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June 11, 2022 11:21 pm  #21


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

My counselor is local but due to Covid I have only met with her via teleheath...same goes for my Psychiatrist.  I find our sessions are very good.  I'm able to take them in my room, in my bed, with my fur babies there to console me.  I'll usually turn on the TV or Music so that kids can't hear me through the closed door.  I like being comfortable in my own space and then not having to drive home with the emotional hangover that is therapy.  

Grace you are not a failure as a women.  They are failures as our husbands.  And I know that feeling well.  I have blamed myself for the last 10 years for the lack of a sexual component to our marriage.  Because I tried so many things to engage with him and he either would have zero interest or be unable to perform.  I 100% took that as he found me disgusting.  Because of all my scars, disability, and health issues he couldn't stand to be with me that way.  So I stopped trying, my self esteem couldn't take that anymore.  When in reality it was because of HIM that he didn't want to be with me and he was too much of a coward to say so.  Instead he watched as my mental health and self esteem crumbled.  And them reading erotica doesn't help at all as it sets unrealistic expectations for their sex lives.  

I think the hardest part of all of this is the limbo.  I know where I want to be, I know what I want things to look like for me and the kids but the road to get there is so freaking long and right now I don't know when I'll get there.  I'm one that always needs to be working or taking action and right now the points we are at take time.  It doesn't help that the next steps are even bigger and he's starting to resist as the reality of what he's done kind of sets in.  

I also know that finding the right counselor can take time.  I got mine from my General Practitioner who has been with me from one train wreck to another.  Knowing my history she was able to recommend the perfect therapist for me.  Sadly my Psych is retiring so Monday I get to find a new one...yay.

 

June 12, 2022 3:01 pm  #22


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

Self-deprecation
This is another of those "gotta be stronger than the emotion..." things that we have to work on. Before the Mindfuck, I had all the *I am....sexy/warm/great* in the universe. That feeling that makes you want somebody and you know he wants you...I had it I have it no longer. I read that many of you are now/have been in a place where you haven't been touched...for years in some cases. And many feel it's because of your weight, your health.....let's be real, anything we can blame on ourselves right? 

When life goes awry and there's no intimate connection we blame ourselves, and we think it's our fault...we've done their work for them. They didn't have to lift a finger! While we're in a corner beating ourselves up they're oblivious to it all because they're not even thinking about us.
I'm telling you...even when you no longer have any sexual interest whatsoever in your SOs (Significant Others) ....you'll still going to put yourself down for your weight, or your looks, or your scars because (and sorry guys, men, husbands I can't speak for you)....that's what we do as women. So it's actually yourselves you have to work on and build up.
I have a chronic illness. I've had 3 major stomach operations. My stomach is a fucking mess with it's scar tissue and wonky lines. But I don't blame myself for the fact I have no sex life. And although I could....well okay I do ultimately lay the blame at his feet...I just have to get on with it.
Our lives have changed. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we have to start compartmentalising the parts of our lives that don't belong together. Our self-esteem does not belong in the Mindfuck box.

Our self-esteem does not belong in the Mindfuck box
 


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

June 12, 2022 7:13 pm  #23


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

How many people do you talk to during your day?

Elle

Other than check intexts from the grown kids, generally just hubby. I'm mostly homebound and often bedbound. If not for my various support groups for my illness and here I'd have no one else. Friends leave when you become permanently disabled and fall out of the social scene and that, for me has been 29 yrs. 
Another reason I suppose to suck it up and stay.

 

June 12, 2022 7:26 pm  #24


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

Grace1958 wrote:

.... Friends leave when you become permanently disabled and fall out of the social scene and that, for me has been 29 yrs. 
Another reason I suppose to suck it up and stay.

 

Oh come on Grace.....change the way you see what your life is at the moment. 
You're looking at this the wrong way
You can stay but stop sucking it up....start spitting it out 

Hugs
 


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

June 12, 2022 9:19 pm  #25


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Self-deprecation
This is another of those "gotta be stronger than the emotion..." things that we have to work on. Before the Mindfuck, I had all the *I am....sexy/warm/great* in the universe. That feeling that makes you want somebody and you know he wants you...I had it I have it no longer. I read that many of you are now/have been in a place where you haven't been touched...for years in some cases. And many feel it's because of your weight, your health.....let's be real, anything we can blame on ourselves right? 

When life goes awry and there's no intimate connection we blame ourselves, and we think it's our fault...we've done their work for them. They didn't have to lift a finger! While we're in a corner beating ourselves up they're oblivious to it all because they're not even thinking about us.
I'm telling you...even when you no longer have any sexual interest whatsoever in your SOs (Significant Others) ....you'll still going to put yourself down for your weight, or your looks, or your scars because (and sorry guys, men, husbands I can't speak for you)....that's what we do as women. So it's actually yourselves you have to work on and build up.
I have a chronic illness. I've had 3 major stomach operations. My stomach is a fucking mess with it's scar tissue and wonky lines. But I don't blame myself for the fact I have no sex life. And although I could....well okay I do ultimately lay the blame at his feet...I just have to get on with it.
Our lives have changed. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we have to start compartmentalising the parts of our lives that don't belong together. Our self-esteem does not belong in the Mindfuck box.

Our self-esteem does not belong in the Mindfuck box
 

Wow Elle, I too am in the multiple abdominal surgery camp.  I've had 5 now, 3 lap and 2 fully opened with one of those being emergency due to a bowel obstruction that developed after a hysterectomy.  And that was merely a single step down the path I am now.  My belly is all scar tissue that leaves me in chronic pain.  I can feel it tearing if I move wrong.  And yes, that was the time when he stopped wanting me, after I recovered, after I was cleared, nothing.  Its so marked in my mind that he used that as this sudden cut off that I have a hard time mentally separating the two traumas in my mind.  Now, looking back that is when he started struggling with his sexuality so I'm trying to figure out how me almost dying and having a horrid recovery ties into that.

I've been touch starved for so long.   And he never was one for the positive affirmations either.

I know regardless of the intimate component I would have issues with my body.  I hate how it looks, I hate my weight, I hate how it fails me on a daily basis, I hate that its broken and we are to a point where we can't fix the damage that has been done.  I'm still here and that's a miracle in its own right. But it would have been nice to have the person I loved and I though loved me there to affirm that those head goblins that called me fat, ugly, and unwanted wrong.  Instead he let them run wild.  In therapy I am trying to fight those goblins but his revelation has just forced them to take a backseat as I deal with that fire.  

Grace, I know that feeling of isolation that disability does to you.  Due to Covid we had to lock down down after my pulmonary emboli and I hardly left my house for the last two years.  Even now going out is scary and difficult, I have a wheelchair if its more than 50 feet.  Many of my local friends have moved away or don't know what to do with me so i'm really starting from scratch again.  I'm starting to look for local in person support groups to start helping me get out again.  I don't know if you have any you can look at either through a medical provider or church.  

 

June 12, 2022 10:03 pm  #26


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

Agl03 wrote:

I know regardless of the intimate component I would have issues with my body.....yay...you get what I'm saying then
...it would have been nice to have the person I loved and I though loved me there to affirm that those head goblins that called me fat, ugly, and unwanted wrong. ...... In therapy I am trying to fight those goblins but his revelation has just forced them to take a backseat as I deal with that fire. ....can you keep your and his fires separate? why don't you put your goblins in the front seat with you (where they belong) and chuck his in the back? so you can concentrate on you... 
 

 


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

June 13, 2022 1:41 pm  #27


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

billieshears wrote:

I am all new to this......

How are you Billie? Check in with us please

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

June 13, 2022 5:39 pm  #28


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

When I hit middle age I gained a little weight, it really wasn't much though and I was still attractive for my age even though I felt like I was totally unattractive - I felt his complete switch off and I asked him if it was because I wasn't young and attractive any more and he didn't say anything at all, just a dismissive gesture.  

Gay in denial, the gift that keeps giving - his fire is what burnt your feathers.  

My sense of things is that the switch off is age-related.  He wasn't the only one, I felt a general loss of regard.  Walking down the street I noticed that the young men had stopped looking, I was no longer a Gucci Handbag inciting envy I was a scuffed up bag and didn't make him feel as good any more.

 

June 13, 2022 9:06 pm  #29


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

lily wrote:

...
My sense of things is that the switch off is age-related.  He wasn't the only one, I felt a general loss of regard.  Walking down the street I noticed that the young men had stopped looking,.....

 
Yip Lily... Invisibility. I can remember walking down the street knowing I was turning heads. It was a good feeling 😊 but the change in me... The Mindfuck, the age process, the way others see me... is the outside looking in. Hmm.. how can I explain it. Rather than allow everything/everyone to determine how I'm seen...I want to be okay with the person I am regardless. There's a certain amount of bravado and confidence I need to do that, and it mostly entails talking to people, strangers often, saying hello, complimenting others (and meaning it), smiling at children. And it works because when I'm interacting with others I'm actually interacting with myself too.
All this interaction helps me to not dwell on the M.

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

June 13, 2022 10:44 pm  #30


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

Elle,

Sadly all the goblins kind of tie into each other in my head.  The trauma's all feeding one another with what I see my biggest demon in my anxiety.  My panic attacks can be dehabilitating, last for hours, and be stronger than even my emergency anxiety meds and I have pretty strong ones.  We had been making headway in therapy, even been able to reduce my meds when the confession came.  Now my meds have all been doubled again and we are on the hunt for something to help me sleep.  Last pill made my cut my hair in my sleep so we are a bit more careful now.

I am very much a people person and have been told by those around me that should i decide to try to find myself someone new I won't have a problem.  Before I went down I worked sales almost my entire life and have not trouble meeting or interacting in groups of people.  Though I have yet to decide if I want to tread into those waters again. 

Over the last few years I've been getting into make up for the first time in my life and watching videos on how to use it better.  A major motivation in this was to hide how bad I was mentally and physically.  Hide the bags and pale face.  Now, I like getting myself all done up when I am allowed out and when I have the right make up and outfit on I do feel like that fancy expensive purse.   Another form of self expression is my hair last literally been every color of the rainbow. 

Sometimes a good soak, face mask, and some fancy face cream can go a long way in making me feel better.  

 

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