Betsy,
What a dick. So he basically tortured your spirit with "I may or may not, have an affair if I may or may not feel the urge & it may or may not be with a man".....yes, these assholes are entitled aren't they? Classic narc mindfuckery. I look back and think I was clearly lying to myself, out of a shear survival tactic, not being able to handle the truth, that the reason my husband wasn't interested in me sexually wasn't because he was tired, stressed or had a low sex drive, it was because he was indeed getting it elsewhere/ No healthy physically able man can go without having sex for a fucking decade. And yes, my STBGIDTGNARCX (I've added another acronym there as it's equally as damaging & potent to my/our story) must also be carrying a boat load of guilt & shame as he has increased his drinking beer/wine on weekends to every night for the last 3 years & now spends $1000/month on booze alone. Plus he hides empties. Like his other fetishes & bullshit, he's not very good at hiding empties either.

OutofHisCloset:
We are never too old for eeking out happiness & self respect. I hold onto the faith & hope that if so many other people, well beyond retirement age, can find love, we can too. Right now, I'd be happy with a good group of girlfriends, a healthier body & empty mind so I could travel, work, get involved again with the outside world. 

And you are so right about the one to pull the plug on the deception & bullshit is perceived as the crazy one. Already there. I was doing great 9okay, somewhat fair) yesterday until my daughter said she wanted to talk to her dad. my heart sank when she took the phone somewhere private & talked for good 45 minutes (he never talked to any of us that long in 25 yrs) and then she came out all depressed and stated "I feel so sorry for Dad! he won't come by too often anymore he said because it causes too many problems but he'll take me for coffee next weekend if he has time because he's now got to work even harder than he ever has"....So ya, I'm the bad guy, the crazy one apparently. Actually, damn right, full disclosure....I AM crazy right now. My heart is smashed into a zillion pieces, I'm mentally & physically bankrupt after 25 yrs of gaslighting, deception & emotional neglect & I have to keep my trap shut about how much of an asshole he really has been all these years so that NO ONE ELSE goes crazy! These fucking TGGID's think 98% of their DNA is female yet they don't have the ladyballs to endure what they put their real women thru.

What's making it worse is that he is now classic Narc: Gone like the wind, not looking back, no remorse, shitload of contempt & moved on like it was a 2 week affair gone sour. he posted on social media his little escapades on Saturday night, having a grande time while I'm here consoling bitteragnrydevistated kids.

There better be an Oscar at the end of this shitshow. 

What has been helping is some forums I ran into about GID spouses, Narc\s & their victims & surviving abuse. REALLY helpful!!! I will post them all in the "Emergency & advice kit" thread (if there is in fact one. Lost Dad mentioned about starting one but I never did find it..??)


Really great blog & comments sections
http://signsofagayhusbandbydebrasutton.com



https://letmereach.com/start-here/
She discusses things such as:

• Why you feel such a strong pull to go back
• Why you obsess over and long for the very person who mistreated you
• Why it’s critical that you pay attention to your feelings instead of trying to bury them under a busy schedule or over-caring for other people
• How to develop emotional resilience so you’ll have control over your feelings instead of your feelings controlling you.
• Information and guidance on how to handle your toxic partner in the event of an unplanned encounter
• Why you feel addicted and why it’s so hard to heal
• How to implement ‘Extreme Modified Contact’ in cases of shared custody
• Holistic and transformational healing information

This Brilliant, funny & candid Life Coach & Therapist has some really lengthy but so informative vlogs about narcissists, their mindset, their victims, sexuality, etc. So much potent info like this juicy bit that jumped out at me and answered my heart aching question at the moment, "How can he be so cruel to have zero empathy & ride off into the sunset so happily?" His answer to a similar question fro a viewer: "Because his narcissism comes from SHAME. They are all so grossly centred in shame & secret disgust with themselves, it is the reason for most of their actions, including not looking back at you, the relationship or their actions because they don't want to see their faults or that you were right".....BAM!!!! made me feel better for at least 20 minutes! Check him out here: This one is '20 signs you are worth a covert narcissist"

"#1. You want to know if something is wrong with your relationship? You're here, on the web, google searching him." 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WVLZXLyO-M


Cheers & blessing y'all, 
Wishing a gentle week ahead for everyone

Shamxx
 

Ugh, so much pain and destruction he's visited upon you, all the while trying to make you feel sorry for him and his "confusing journey".  I'm glad you can see his lies and deception now for what they truly are - his justification to feed his own selfish needs.  I'm always just so insulted on behalf of my brothers and sisters here that our spouses think so little of our intelligence that they think we'll believe them no matter what bullshit they feed us.  They are, as my current husband likes to say about how my son sometimes treats me - "taking advantage of our soft hearts".  Taking advantage of our love and trust in them.  Taking advantage of the kind of people WE are - which is what they found so appealing about us in the first place - our resilience, our ever-present hope, our compassion, empathy and strength.  Well, all those things will now serve us well as we take back our own lives now.  Your resolve will get you far now - it will be your fuel, your assuredness, and your drive.

Welcome to the enlightenment phase.  It's the most work, but it's also very satisfying.  You can do things, and you will.  Those things get you to a different place.  Just keep taking one day at a time, deciding what you want to do tomorrow in your battle.  Then you get up and execute every day.  Make sure to take some days off in there too - you can't fight when you're winded, ya know?  This phase also turns you into a different person - stronger, smarter, happier.  You'll see.

You can do this!  I'm very proud of you!

Kel

Sham - your description of events (especially feeling sorry for everyone including the garbage man) made me laugh so hard.  God knows I experienced all of those emotions.  It is a total shit show but I'm sorry to say, there will be no Oscar at the end.  Oscar meyer hot dog maybe....  sorry, couldn't help it. 

I have a question - sorry if I missed the answer in some of the details but, how old are your kids?  I think the minute your daughter walked up to you with that BS story about how he said now he has to work twice as hard and that he can't stop by as much and how maybe he can take her for coffee....the cat would have come out of the bag so fast his head would have spun.  I think I probably would have taken her right down to that storage shed and let her go through all of his costumes.  If she's old enough to drink coffee then she's old enough to know whose fault this was. 

Meg - I lived that life too.  I think for the entire first year I was on this site I would think to myself: no, they aren't talking about me, clearly they don't understand that he still wants to have sex all the time and that makes us different.  That makes all of these people wrong and me right, or at least it makes me an exception to the rule.  bzzzzzz. wrong!  Yep, all of these angry ladies and gentlemen were right from the get go.  And just like you said, thank God I had their experience to fall back on!  If I had gone into this blind I could have been fooled forever. 

I can see how we might be a bit overwhelming for people who are looking for assurance that their spouse ISN'T actually gay, or that they shouldn't have any reason to worry with what they've found.  Or people who are looking to have their happily ever after despite the fact that they've found their spouse has been lying to and deceiving them.  Much like a board for battered spouses, we aren't going to blow sunshine up anyone's asses.  Hell, our spouses have done that just fine for so long that that's exactly what a confused st8 spouse doesn't need.

Interestingly, the further from discovery we are, the easier it is to come across as matter-of-fact about the gay thing, which makes people feel that we're smug and jaded.  So the more we know and absorb and learn, the less effective we can become, if we don't watch our tone.  I myself struggle greatly with this.  It makes me feel like I'm doing more harm than good as time goes by.  I want to help people, but I can't do that if I'm coming across as someone who sees every situation as doomed.  Walking the line between writing with my own voice and a more sensitive and compassionate one is a great struggle for me.  But there are so many compassionate, empathetic members here doing that, so I feel it leaves room for my voice in measured doses.

Sometimes it's like being a mold inspector to me; people call you to their homes and say, "I think I might have mold."  You inspect, and sure enough, the black mold is practically eating the place up.  So you confirm for them that yes, they do in fact have mold.  And it's pretty bad.  So bad that in your opinion, they need to immediately move out and torch this house to the ground.  Mold grows, after all.  If you leave any of it, it's going to come back and continue to grow.  They were hoping you'd tell them there's no mold, though.  That the black stuff in every corner of their home is just...... dirt or something.  They knew when they called you out that they had a problem, though.  They were just hoping against hope that they were wrong.  After seeing so many cases of mold, you can smell the stuff when you pull into the driveway.  But they argue - have you ever seen someone with mold throughout the entire house but NOT in the chimney?  No? Ah-ha! That makes their particular case different.  Maybe it WON'T grow all the way throughout the house then, if it hasn't already.  Their case is special an unique, and they want to be the one case where mold suddenly doesn't grow, despite the fact that that's mold's inherent nature.  All you can do is give them your opinion that this is a hopeless cause, and it's dangerous to them, and they need to take your advice seriously.  You hope you won't hear from them again after they've tried futilely to eradicate the mold, and spend all their money and energy doing so, and now have no funds left to move on.  You can see the end game here, but they just.won't.believe.it.  They don't want to.

Kel

Sham, well said. I'm with you on someday coming totally out of the closet and helping us have a voice. It's ludicrous that I/we protect them and suffer with so little understanding and support from society. It has to be heard, understood and stopped.