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June 4, 2022 11:22 pm  #11


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

billieshears wrote:

I am all new to this.  I mean like 2 weeks ago new!  My husband just announced to me last night that he is going out of town tonight to see God knows who and I'm left at home to pick up the pieces.  This is like a nightmare that won't end.  We just started counseling this week!!  One of the rules the counselor gave us was: no infedelity!  Well, that's no problem on my part but apparently, my husband doesn't give two royal rat's asses.  Is this common?  Normal?  Has anyone else experienced this?

Two months here. 

Yes, its common my therapist said its essentially a mid life crisis mixed with being a teenager again.  His confession has set him free in his mind to go after all the things and live the life he has not.  He wants to go chase his "sparklers" as she called them.  Men that 'sparked" his interest and that he wants to see if there is possibly something with.  He also got himself a tattoo.

We are in couples counseling (our couples is my personal counselor too so I am able to have the best care.  He is supposed to go and get his own but hasn't done that yet).  We are not trying to save our marriage, it ended for me the second he came out.  I deserve to be loved and cherished by someone for who I am, scars and all.  The purpose of the sessions are to end our marriage with dignity and respect on both side and for help mediating some of the harder conversations.  It will also lead to more formal mediation and a separation agreement.  I will say, he was awful in our last session, so selfish, so mean, but it shown me exactly where his mind is and it isn't even close to me or the family.  

I do have my personal counselor and I was lucky enough to talk with her the day after he dropped the bomb.  In the days that followed I pulled in my entire medical and mental health care team in.  I had no qualms about going to my psych and saying I'm struggling and need my meds upped.  

How I cope is I do.  He surprised me once and I vowed never again.  I did my research on separation, divorce, my rights to what in our state, separated into two bedrooms, screenshot or printed all financials, got a credit card in my name only, re worked our family budget to give us each a spending allowance (still in discussions), began looking on zillow, set a meeting with our mortgage dude to see what I'll need, and opened my own checking account (I made sure he knew I was doing this so it was on the up and up).  I am careful that I don't do anything that would be seen as stealing or hiding of assets should we have to go to court.  

I also started the process of emotionally decoupling from him.  We are still married yes but that is in name only.  He lost the loyalty and benefits of me being his wife with his lies.  I no longer have to support his hobby I hate.  I don't have to referee him/his parents.  I am not responsible for getting his dad a father's day present.  Is it hard when he's hurting yes.  Is it hard when he's being a selfish jerk, nope.  

Take care of yourself.  We are here.

Finally, what I have seen is that a lot of time these partners don't think past the confession.  They have this fantasy of what its going to be like FOR THEM.  All the things they'll get to do, try, the freedom they'll have.  Despite what they may say I don't think they give more than a second thought about what this does to those they are leaving behind.  Any actions I take that do not fall in line with his fantasy have been met with gaslighting, annoyance, surprise, and sometimes he lashes out verbally.  He can do that all he wants, I"m going to do what I have to do to protect myself and my kids while he goes off and does whatever the hell he wants to do.

 

June 6, 2022 1:08 pm  #12


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

Elle: you are so generous and kindhearted, I'm so sorry you feel "judged" in this of all places.

I had been determined to keep the marriage safe, in the beginning.  I did change my mind, but it's a devastating decision to make and you have to go into it with your eyes open.  The last thing on earth you should care about is whether someone somewhere is going to criticize you (they will, whether you stay or leave).  

I know you'd once read through "My Story" but remember, I was pushed across the line when I discovered texts of my husband setting up a menage-a-trois with two male prostitutes, paying extra for unprotected sex ... when I knew he had been HIV-positive for years.  That was how bad it had to get -- I was terrified at his delusions, his failure to see what he was doing to real humans.  

Don't let anybody kid you, it's a very tough decision.  There are things I would have done differently, but the day I pulled the plug was terrifying, and I only did it because it absolutely had to be done.

 

June 6, 2022 2:58 pm  #13


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

walkbymyself wrote:

.....Don't let anybody kid you, it's a very tough decision.  There are things I would have done differently, but the day I pulled the plug was terrifying, and I only did it because it absolutely had to be done.

 

Walk...thank you! Like many I joined the Forum in a complete storm of confusion and panic and it took a while to 'find my voice' because at first it seemed I came up against a brick wall of straightspouses who were suspicious of anyone who expressed a desire to stay in their marriage/r'ship. Plus....and I think this is really important....OurPath is American based. There's a whole other way of looking at/accepting/expressing opinion and I've had to stop and remind myself of that a few times. 
Every day I tell myself "what if I had...." or "I should have..."....so mostly I judge myself these days but because of my particular situation I'm in "survival" means I stay.
 


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

June 6, 2022 5:21 pm  #14


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

One more paperwork suggestion - if you're sure, really sure you're done - have your will redrawn to leave your half to your kids (or whomever). 

 

June 6, 2022 8:37 pm  #15


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

Grace1958 wrote:

One more paperwork suggestion - if you're sure, really sure you're done - have your will redrawn to leave your half to your kids (or whomever). 

Done
 


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

June 10, 2022 1:10 pm  #16


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

Agl03 wrote:

...I also started the process of emotionally decoupling from him....

 
"Emotionally decoupling"
This is such a powerful phrase. It's one of the most important tools in my SMOM toolbox... though I was surprised to be triggered the other day by some inconsequential thing he did and all these damn emotions bubbled up. I was SO SAD, crying in the shower, my imagination running away with me! I was really disappointed that I let myself be tripped up.
I'm thinking again that I need to talk it out but honestly I do not want to go through the trial of telling my story again to a stranger. I just don't. And the wonderful counselor I used to see is in another city so it would have to be online and I've always had face to face sessions.

Have any of you had online counseling for the Mindfuck.. And how was it?

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

June 10, 2022 9:36 pm  #17


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

I'm in counseling but I'm having a hard time figuring out if it's helpful. She says, rightfully so, that in my circumstances I should stay where I am safe and financially stable. I go back and forth, sometimes in the same day between him being gender fluid and dressing the part being no big deal, and a big enough deal to go live on food stamps in state housing.She says if we moved to a place with more floors he could have space to be himself and I wouldn't have to be uncomfortable.
Most of the time I just want to run away from the feeling that I'm faking my whole life. But my illness has me trapped. He's never mean to me, but he reads porn stories at least 6 hrs a day and still wants me to play sex games with him. So I say I don't want to, I feel like such a failure as a woman. I know logically the therapist is right, but emotionally that reality is hard to live with.
I could leave now and have enough money for 2 yrs, but then what?
Essentially what I'm trying to say is that you might get a dose of reality along with sympathy in therapy...

 

June 10, 2022 10:26 pm  #18


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

Grace1958 wrote:

I'm in counseling but I'm having a hard time figuring out if it's helpful....
Most of the time I just want to run away from the feeling that I'm faking my whole life. But my illness has me trapped. He's never mean to me, but he reads porn stories at least 6 hrs a day and still wants me to play sex games with him. So I say I don't want to, I feel like such a failure as a woman. I know logically the therapist is right, but emotionally that reality is hard to live with....
Essentially what I'm trying to say is that you might get a dose of reality along with sympathy in therapy...

Aw Grace.. I've sat through him reading erotica... Beside me, in the same room... it's just a horrible thing to have in your thoughts. If he still does it I don't know or care. One time he asked me to insert....I can't finish this but I said no!, left the house and went for a walk. After that any time he asked me to touch him (you know where) I said No!!

As for the counseling I'm okay with doses of reality as long as it makes me think and isn't said to hurt me. Actually there isn't much that could hurt me anymore about my situation. It is what it is. I'm past the bit where I blamed myself and saw myself as unworthy.

I've heard that sometimes you have to fake it to make it. So if we just see it as part of our survival strategy...

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

June 11, 2022 4:10 am  #19


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

I've heard that sometimes you have to fake it to make it. So if we just see it as part of our survival strategy...

Elle
 

I guess I'm just tired of living a lie and feeling resentful. I get survival. I'd just like to find a way to stop second guessing myself. Work in progress....

 

June 11, 2022 2:25 pm  #20


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

Grace1958 wrote:

...I guess I'm just tired of living a lie and feeling resentful. I get survival. I'd just like to find a way to stop second guessing myself. Work in progress....

 
The hardest thing about being a work in progress is that we have to, for the most part, do it on our own. Many of us have counselors, family/friends to confide in but when you strip all that away... when we're in the house with the instigator of our pain and we can no longer trust them to be the soft place to fall..man! it gets lonely.
But when I think of the alternative... having a meltdown, making a scene, being vulnerable, seeing him get dismissive and angry .... I don't want to be that person ever again.
So far it's worked. And I can tell you what works for me and you'll figure out how to build up your walls, lay out your plans and start seeing your future.

How many people do you talk to during your day?

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
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