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1 of 1- CKRinPNW67
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Trying to Maintain MOM
I am new here and in February of this year by BF broke up with me citing issues (me mainly confronting him or wanting to talk to him about issues vs keeping quiet) that he couldn't handle any more. He stated he wanted to remain friends and since we were living together I could continue to stay there and we could become 'roommates'. Forward 6 weeks and some behaviors he had never exhibited and me going completely crazy he tells me the real reason why he broke up with me was because he wanted to date men. 4 years ago I caught him on grinder for the second time and we discussed that if he had these 'urges - curiosities' come to me and we would work through it or I would be fine with him talking just so long I knew. He took my freaking out as a reason why he couldn't come to me. He also had been going to a class which he later told me which was to help him with what he was feeling. Once he told me I immediately became a support person, as I was the only one who would know as he was going to remain in the closet due to our area being so small. He went through this rush of posting on different apps to find men. I even helped him with which ones would be better for him. I also discussed the option of us being in an open relationship and I talked to him about what that meant. Since then, I have almost moved out as I found my own place. I just don't feel like he is 100% into the open relationship as I am. For one he has to tell those he is meeting or seeing about me, which he has not only that I will be moving out soon. Secondly, before I had all of my stuff out he had someone over. I expressed to him that he could have at least waited until I had everything out as I just feel uncomfortable now going to the house. I think I know deep down that what an open relationship means to me is not what it means to him. He still says he is attracted to me and we have been more intimate than we had been all of last year. I just came to this site yesterday and started reading the different lists that are available to the straightspouse. He has told me I need to move on as that is what he has done and my reply to him is this is not a normal break up and if we are also going to maintain an open relationship it is something we both have no clue on what to do or what it will look like. When I have expressed how I feel about certain things he is quick to say - oh I am the bad person or I can't do anything right to which I reply with that is not what I said. I am still very much mourning what I lost - the relationship, my best friend?, my old home, my happiness. Moving has been a source of sadness for me as I loved living where I was at. My new place I am not that excited about. Any tips on how to navigate the next phase in trying to keep the open relationship going or do I just give up when I really do not want to do that. I will say he just doesn't know what he wants. I will also say he has this idea of what he thinks it should be but I am not sure if it is realistic or not. I will be pouring through more posts on here and I will also share my store in that thread, but I just wanted to get other prospective of how they made this work in the early stages. Thank you for reading my ramblings.
- Dutchman
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Re: Trying to Maintain MOM
Hi,
open relations are not my thing, so I can't give you advice on that. I found it a remarkable (and conflicting aspect) that your BF want's to find male contacts, but at the same time wasn't ready for open relations.
While you seem to be open to that route. Okay, that's different, and puzzling 
He's gay but you don't accept that?
So I think, you have to talk to each other A LOT. What you expect from a/your relation, what intimacy and sexuality is about, read books on the subject from different perspectives, go to the bottom of it. Talk! And be honest, really honest! Learn to be honest to yourself and each other.
Mind you, this may take some time. Whatever the outcome will be, this will be valueable to you both!
(him being gay, doesn't mean you can't stay friends, but you both have to know the 'status' of your relation)
Last edited by Dutchman (June 3, 2022 10:48 am)
- CKRinPNW67
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Re: Trying to Maintain MOM
Dutchman wrote:
Hi,
open relations are not my thing, so I can't give you advice on that. I found it a remarkable (and conflicting aspect) that your BF want's to find male contacts, but at the same time wasn't ready for open relations.
While you seem to be open to that route. Okay, that's different, and puzzling
He hasn't 'come' out officially as he is doing meeting other male contacts (at the moment it seems to be this one who is also in the closet). He hasn't said he's gay either. He is still attracted to me. If down the road he states he is gay, I will accept this. I actually did tell him when he finally opened up to me, that I understood and was there to support him. Then we talked about different scenarios. Staying friends, having an ethical non-monogamy relationship, which requires everyone to be aware of and agree to this type of relationship, we I thought agreed to the ENM but this is the part that he can not do which is to be honest with himself, me, and this other male contact.
So I think, you have to talk to each other A LOT. What you expect from a/your relation, what intimacy and sexuality is about, read books on the subject from different perspectives, go to the bottom of it. Talk! And be honest, really honest! Learn to be honest to yourself and each other.
This is where I would just like to know from someone who tried this is if the beginning is a little rough until everyone understands this new normal.
Mind you, this may take some time. Whatever the outcome will be, this will be valueable to you both!
(him being gay, doesn't mean you can't stay friends, but you both have to know the 'status' of your relation)
Thank you for your response, this is all so new and so much is happening all at once that getting another ones perspective on this would be helpful. 11 years is a lot of time I have invested in this man, sadly, I am learning our investments were not the same.
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Trying to Maintain MOM
CK....open r'ships are successful when there are 2 people invested in it, not when one is driving it and the other is only a passenger.
Are you the passenger? Do you want to continue to be a passenger in your own life with somebody making the important decisions about who gets in the car with you, and whether or not it's you in the back seat?
....or do you want to be the one behind the wheel of what is after all....your life
Elle
KIA KAHA
- CKRinPNW67
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Re: Trying to Maintain MOM
Elle:
I understand what you are saying and with his changing his mind unfolding so quickly I am doing a lot of thinking and I am struggling. As I said the loss as we all know, of what I had, the relationship, being a family, my home and a best friend is overwhelming to me. I have said to other friends who I have confided in that if he did not owe me just a large amount of money, I would be gone but that will tie us together until he passes or he sells the house.
I guess I was trying to get a sense of if there were bumps in this along the way or what I am experiencing is someone who says one thing and does another without regard to how it will impact me or the guy he is seeing.
I am taking in a lot of podcasts and reading and processing everything. Once I have everything out of the house and standing up to take what I paid for, and the last of my big items have been removed off of his property I will be able to have a clearer head.
I will say that any counselor that is guiding those coming out or half out in his case, needs to at least tell them that they need to be mindful of the person who is supporting them feelings as well. If they don't at least hear it, it almost gives them more of that power.
I am also going to counseling and have been since this all began so I will be working on getting myself behind the driver's seat and not being the passenger.
Thank you for your response.
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Thread Starter- Dutchman
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Re: Trying to Maintain MOM
If you want to make a MOM to be succesfull, both have to have a sense of deterrmination to go for it. To be honest, I don't get that impression in your story (nor what you write about your friend). And that's okay too, but don't imagine you're going for a MOM. If I'm wrong interpreting things that you write, let me know!
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Trying to Maintain MOM
......I have said to other friends who I have confided in that if he did not owe me just a large amount of money, I would be gone but that will tie us together until he passes or he sells the house. ....
Have you seen a lawyer CK...?
".. until he passes .."...is he ill..?
Elle
KIA KAHA