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June 2, 2022 4:11 am  #1

trapped in a lie

I have been married for 36 years.  Most of that time I have been keeping his secret.  He says he has never cheated.  I discovered him watching gay porn which confirmed a suspicion that I had felt since soon after our marriage.
Keeping the secret has severely impacted my mental health.  His parents have always bullied me....a separate but painful truth.  My daughter when 9 said "I think Daddy is gay!"  He is in denial, but we have not had a proper sexual relationship for decades.  I am lonely and sad and trapped.  I am hoping I can find some comfort in this forum, I have no one I have ever been able to talk to openly.


June 2, 2022 7:40 am  #2

Re: trapped in a lie

I truly understand what you are going through and I know it’s not easy to get past the lies, pain, and hurt. Myself I’ve been married for over 10 yrs and 15 yrs together but found out my wife was attracted to women and is gay she believes. Did I see the sign I’d say no but looking back I can see things that make me question things in our marriage. We have two kids and have been separated for about a year and a half now. The secrets and omissions destroyed me mentally after I found out she cheated. I just found out a few months ago that she had a girlfriend when she was a teenager which no one even knew about in her family including her close sister. I feel like I was never given a choice to make my own decision before making this life for myself. Our sex life didn’t start off great but I chalked it up to her only having sex like once that she told me but throughout the years we would have sex at least 2-3 times a week which never made me question anything.  I don’t know how my story ends and I’m confused each day but each day I’m better than what I was before it is a hard road but hang in there. I don’t know if my marriage will work out but I hope she finds her way back to me. I also understand truly that may not happen as there been a lot of hurt and pain since this discovery as there is no safety between us and it’s out of my control. I love her even after everything that happen but she has resentment and wants to be her true self as she states. Honestly I really don’t have to many people to talk with and most of the forums are women finding out that the husband are possibly gay but very few husband that post about there wife being gay. I try not to involve family as that muddy the waters between us. The best thing I can say is I choose what best for you, for your life.


June 2, 2022 7:47 am  #3

Re: trapped in a lie

Oprz Roguez, I understand what you are going through. My ex gay boyfriend passed as hetrosexual. Many many admire the gay or lesbian that comes out. I feel sympathy for the men and women that they deceive.


June 3, 2022 5:58 am  #4

Re: trapped in a lie

Dear tryingtobekind,
I'm pretty new here too but welcome from another newbie.
Something I've picked up here recently is that sometimes we tend to overthink because we aren't talking to our partner about exactly what's happening. His love for gay porn could mean he's gay. It could mean he's bisexual, bisexually curious or that it's just a "kink" he never plans to act upon. His dirty little secret inner life as it were. 
Only you know what level of this you want to deal with in your marriage and if it's practical to divorce. Any way you look at it, the least that you might consider is getting your financial house in order. Print out all your accounts. Make sure they require both signatures to remove large sums, or if that's not possible, split them into 2 separate savings/checkings and have one joint acct for bills. (best) You can wait for the shoe to drop or you can take some sensible steps to be sure you'll be ok if it does. So for now, try to understand your new reality and like anything else in life, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. As for the emotional side of things I'll be the usual broken record and suggest counseling.


June 3, 2022 6:40 pm  #5

Re: trapped in a lie

I'm sorry but welcome.  

I'm another newer member.  My husband of 19 years came out to me a couple of months ago and it was completely blindsided.  I heard him confess to his parents that he'd been having these feelings for 20 years...he told me 10.

I share your frustration that lies by omission so many years ago denied us of the choice of how we wanted to live our lives.  This is his secret, not yours, you do what you need to do to take care of yourself.  

My husband has not touched me sexually in over 10 years and it completely wrecked my self esteem.  I blamed myself, thought I was too fat, too broken, and was humiliated when I would try to initiate and he'd turn me down or not be able to perform.  Damage like that doesn't go away with him saying he's gay so I shouldn't have felt that way.

My recommendation is to get yourself a counselor for your mental health.  Just having someone you can verbally talk it out with is huge.  I also had my meds majorly adjusted last week since I'm starting to buckle under the anxiety.

You are not alone. 


June 3, 2022 11:35 pm  #6

Re: trapped in a lie

I am also new here too, and so sorry for your circumstances, and mine.  I am sitting here alone tonight and wondering where my husband is tonight and what he is doing and my mind is reeling.  All I know is all of us are hurting and none of us have a clue what is going on.  I am so sorry for your pain.  I pray for every person on this site.  God bless you all.  


June 4, 2022 2:32 am  #7

Re: trapped in a lie

tryingtobekind wrote:

..... I have no one I have ever been able to talk to openly.

Welcome to our Forum Trying 🙂
Why is it you have never been able to talk openly?


KIA KAHA                       

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