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June 2, 2022 3:06 pm  #1


​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

Have I coined a phrase?
You're in a r'ship with an LGBTQ'er but you're in it for survival, because you know your sanity and safety need, for now, to be there. You may always be expecting judgement from others, never quite knowing where you belong, forever in a tug of war between a decision to go and the decision to stay​.
I've thought a lot about my life over the last 5 years. What I should have done, what I could have done, what I did and didn't do. I've carried the guilt for not being brave and strong, leaving and making a new life without my bisexual partner, guilt because I hear/read about the men and women who do leave and think "that could be me, why isn't that me?" Often feeling lame and weak when hearing the words "you gotta rip off that plaster!" thinking "yeah you rip off your own band-aid....leave mine alone"
I know our lives, situations, SOs....look! even our countries & ways of life are different and we shouldn't really compare ourselves to each other. But we just do.

As I lay in bed this morning I was thinking about the fact that the MOM board had become very preachy about staying together, to the point of turning people away from posting because it seemed overlaid with a vibe of this is the board you come to if your marriage or r'ship is more important to you than you as a person in that r'ship.. That's a very blunt way of saying it but for so long that's what I did. Put us first, which contributed to the angst that often  had me wishing I was dead...it hurt so much. So often I had it in my mind if I only pleased/agreed with him it would all be alright. That's bullshit. There was always a part of me, that nobody else saw, that said "but really I don't want to live this way"  
So I changed me...and now 'we' come second and I've put myself top of the list...and my health, my health has become more relevant in staying where I am too. My partner was the one who moved into the other bedroom at first. It would have been temporary if I had done my usual "omg...I'll lose him, I'll beg him to come back to our bed" That was fear talking. Fear of upsetting the balance of my co-dependent r'ship, which I'm sad to say had been based for a long time on the sexual side of our life.
But I didn't ask him to come back. I moved all my stuff into the room that is now Mine.

It was important for me to get to a point in my straightspouse journey where I was accepting of the choice I made to stay, and became aware and (kind of) ready to accept that at any moment it could all
come crashing down around me and that even if I felt I had nowhere to go...I would damn well stay where I was until I did, and I would stand up to the aura of superiority and disdain he often showed back in the days when I was more emotional about all this and that who knows he could express at any time because superiority & disdain...that's a personality trait right?

I realise this won't work for everyone. It seems to be working for us. My partner's introverted nature has allowed me space. It's almost like he can't be his true self because he doesn't want the world to know the real him. So he's okay with the status quo. Me too

Elle









 


KIA KAHA                       
 

June 2, 2022 6:09 pm  #2


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

elle,

with my ex it was like another stab in the back when I realised how much his emotion was wrapped up in money, it literally made him be nice to me when he believed an inheritance would be coming his way.  Thankfully I insisted it go into a term deposit for a year.  that kept him like a caged rat - still had to be nice to me and go along with it but got the itch and I'm in the way.  next thing was he wanted to buy a house and then that got me thinking I better get to the bottom of whatever it is that's got me bothered before committing to that.

Sounds like you loved him a lot and now you have to put yourself first, live as an individual not a couple any more.    So it is back to how it was - you are still you, the person you were before you met him. 

 

 

June 2, 2022 6:39 pm  #3


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

Elle, really happy you found some peace and are taking care of you, first.
Well then count me among the SMOM crew. If I were younger, not disabled and more financially stable (as in, if it were 14 yrs ago) I would be gone already. But at our ages, with both of us having medical issues and neither looking for another partner even if we do split...there's just no rush right now. Having our own rooms helps a lot. If we were in a 1 bedroom or even a 2 bedroom I think it would be more of an issue. Like you I've adjusted my thinking a lot in the past month. I'm not on a roller coaster quite as much. I mourned the marriage. Took off the rings and replaced them with something embracing my spirituality and stopped caring if I am not the most devoted wife there is. I turned over communications with his ungrateful grown children to him, happily.  We're kind and giving to each other but the feeling of being "in love"? Nope. I didn't marry this person. It's like thinking of it as roommates who help each other out in kindness. I can't tell you how much more emotionally comfortable I feel since realizing with help from a therapist that NONE of this is my fault this time, or with my first husband. I didn't "turn" him into a gender fluid or female trans person. He was always that and he is just finally living his truth, but that means I get to live my truth as well and that means not giving anything more than I truly want to give. I'm here for the security and the company at this point. However, should something more drastic happen or there is a lot of money at some point, all bets are off. 
It's somehow freeing to not worry about being some superspouse to keep a marriage together that you know isn't the marriage you signed up for, because it's already over. This is something new. 

 

June 2, 2022 9:27 pm  #4


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

lily wrote:

......Sounds like you loved him a lot and now you have to put yourself first, live as an individual not a couple any more.    So it is back to how it was - you are still you, the person you were before you met him. ...

Nah I'll never be the person I was before the Mindfuck began. Too much has happened that has changed the way I think and trust....but I've proved before I can adapt to situations and hey...I can be a new me
 


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

June 2, 2022 9:37 pm  #5


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

Grace1958 wrote:

.....Well then count me among the SMOM crew........ I'm here for the security and the company at this point. ....This is something new. 

 

I wasn't too sure how all you straightspouses would react to this....but I really do feel there are people out there, still living with their Significant Others who are too apprehensive to post 
I'm glad you're onboard Grace

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

June 3, 2022 3:46 pm  #6


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

I am all new to this.  I mean like 2 weeks ago new!  My husband just announced to me last night that he is going out of town tonight to see God knows who and I'm left at home to pick up the pieces.  This is like a nightmare that won't end.  We just started counseling this week!!  One of the rules the counselor gave us was: no infedelity!  Well, that's no problem on my part but apparently, my husband doesn't give two royal rat's asses.  Is this common?  Normal?  Has anyone else experienced this?

 

June 3, 2022 7:04 pm  #7


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

billieshears wrote:

I am all new to this.  I mean like 2 weeks ago new!  My husband just announced to me last night that he is going out of town tonight to see God knows who and I'm left at home to pick up the pieces.  This is like a nightmare that won't end.  We just started counseling this week!!  One of the rules the counselor gave us was: no infedelity!  Well, that's no problem on my part but apparently, my husband doesn't give two royal rat's asses.  Is this common?  Normal?  Has anyone else experienced this?

Doesn't sound like he wants the marriage.. couples counseling seems a waste here... how can a couples counselor understand the anxiety and humiliation of a spouse out and about with trust totally gone.  I recommend you get a counselor for yourself.    I used to shake uncontrollably when my GX used to go out...shopping at 2am.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

June 4, 2022 1:22 pm  #8


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

billieshears wrote:

I am all new to this.  I mean like 2 weeks ago new!  My husband just announced to me last night that he is going out of town tonight to see God knows who and I'm left at home to pick up the pieces.  This is like a nightmare that won't end.  We just started counseling this week!!  One of the rules the counselor gave us was: no infedelity!  Well, that's no problem on my part but apparently, my husband doesn't give two royal rat's asses.  Is this common?  Normal?  Has anyone else experienced this?

2 weeks is not long, and you're both  already seeing a counselor? Get your own counselor, it sounds like your husband is not invested in the couple's process at all. Stop seeing yourself as broken pieces to be picked up. And start seeing yourself as somebody who refuses to be broken.

As long as you see yourself as having to take what he gives you.. you'll never be free of his influence.

Do you talk to anybody about how you're feeling?.. Edited...besides the counselor?

Elle
 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (June 4, 2022 1:28 pm)


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

June 4, 2022 1:59 pm  #9


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

trying to delet this one
 

Last edited by Grace1958 (June 4, 2022 2:05 pm)

 

June 4, 2022 2:05 pm  #10


Re: ​When you're in a SMOM...a Survival Mixed Orientation Marriage

billieshears wrote:

I am all new to this.  I mean like 2 weeks ago new!  My husband just announced to me last night that he is going out of town tonight to see God knows who and I'm left at home to pick up the pieces.  This is like a nightmare that won't end.  We just started counseling this week!!  One of the rules the counselor gave us was: no infedelity!  Well, that's no problem on my part but apparently, my husband doesn't give two royal rat's asses.  Is this common?  Normal?  Has anyone else experienced this?

Somewhere here is a post that contains info on the "gay adolescence". It's new, it's exciting and his brain is not going to listen to reason or care about your feelings. So you need to. Spend this weekend finding every bit of financial information and making copies or scanning them to a drive. This is when you start to protect you.
 

 

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