I've been lurking on this site for a LONG time.  I've reached out for personal support and have gotten it but just could not go further.  I don't even know where to begin. . .  We've been married for 25 years.  I am straight.  (I would also like to just state that I'm not opposed to an alternate lifestyle.  It's just not one that I want for me.)  I thought we were happy . . . even though I suspected that he had someone on the side over the years.  I even asked him - at a few points and he was so mad and hurt.  Well, he did - it was him.  For years, I've been compared to "something".  My hair has not been long enough, my nails not done the way he likes, I'm not thin enough - I've been fat shamed for years.  (All of these criticisms have been in front of friends and family.  The pity in other people's eyes just kill me.)  We have 3 kids.  They are all teenagers.  One has started college.  They don't know.  I don't even know where to begin and how to manage that.
We started couples counseling after I had surgery about 5 years ago.  He was just awful and absent.  (Surgery was major reconstructive on a foot.  It was not elective.  My children, mother-in-law, friends, and family took care of me.)  He came out to me after almost a year of counseling.  I was shocked to say the very least.  First, he was just a cross dresser.  Then he was gender fluid.  Then he was a trans-gender lesbian.  I am not sure where he is now.  This all happened over an 8 month or so period.  Meanwhile, my mother, who was ill for a long time, died.  She was my best friend and confidant.  I miss her so much (still) that it hurts.  I am truly lost and feel broken.
He has started to transform.  He wants to grow his own breasts.  He takes the hormones; tells me he isn't.  He wants to get laser hair removal.   Did I mention the drinking?  (By the way, the drinking was NEVER addressed in counseling.  Ironically, it was how I started my session with the therapist alone.  That he drank.  I also talked about the PORN.  Seriously, can anyone say BIG RED FLAGS?  Nope. Not really addressed in counseling. His drinking affected not only me but our children as well.  How we walk on eggshells around him.  We were in counseling for almost 3 years.  Mom's death, Covid, the therapists schedule all seemed to get in the way for us to make any real progress in counseling.  I went to see the therapist alone and she advised me to "rip off the band-aid and tell him I want a divorce".  I wanted help.  I asked for help.  That was the answer from the professional that I got.  Stuck.  Just Stuck.
I've been told that it was my fault that he cross dressed.  That it was my fault that he has had issues performing.  That it was my fault that the grill rusted.  (Sorry.  Can't make this crap up.)
I've set boundaries.  He's broken them.  (On all levels.)  Recently, he tried to go through a clothing store with me in high heels even though I've made it perfectly clear that I will NOT appear in public with him dressed as anything than a man.  The therapist called me inflexible and unaccepting.  I did point out that he changed the "rules" of our marriage and that she told me that I should be "stronger in setting boundaries and holding him to it".  So there, I set a boundary.  I'm sticking to it.  If this is what he wants, I'm good with that.  I'm fully aware that the marriage that I thought that I had is GONE.  I'm just trying to figure out if what I have is what I want and where do I go from here?
Mom has been gone now about 1.5 years.  I feel like I'm living in an altered reality.  One that if you told me I'd be in, that I would have laughed so very hard at.  Of course, like every other story here, there is way, way more.
While he is better is some ways, he is worse in others.  There are still unresolved issues between us.  While I do love him, I want to be happy.  I want my children to be happy and in a good environment.  My time with them is coming to an end.  I want them to be equipped with a good foundation to be able to move forward in their lives.  And yes, I would like him to be happy to.  I'm just not really sure on how to get there.  I do not hate him.  I feel sorry for him.  How awful to not know who/what you are and then lash out at your family.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for here . . . advice, understanding, direction, support . . . anything you have to give, I'll take.  I don't have anyone that truly understands what I'm in and how to go forward for my kids and me.  I got shoved in that damn closet (just like everyone else) the day that he told me.