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May 26, 2022 1:15 am  #1


His Fantasy vs. My Reality

We are two months out from the bomb and we are slogging our way into what will eventually become a new normal.  But something I have increasingly noticed is he seems to have had this fantasy of how his coming out would play out and its not happening the way he wanted.  I can see him getting frustrated and agitated with this and am left asking "what did you expect?!"

My concerns are managing his expectations with the reality and all the emotions that are bundled within that.  Because part of me has gone deep into self protection mode and I have withdrawn as much as I can from him, especially emotionally.  Yet there is part of me who sees him sad or upset and I want to comfort and help him.  

The biggest hiccups in his plan so far seem to be:

His parents reactions.  His parents are super religious and his revelation has devastated them.  His dad won't speak to him or if he does its lots of fire and brim stone.  While his mom is making an effort, though she is so upset and confused.  Tonight I watched him get upset as she asked him what I felt were completely appropriate questions for him to answer too.  He was wanting me to affirm she was out of line and I wouldn't.  Provide answers for her again not my circus.  And I may have reminded him he needed to do something about Fathers Day for his dad as my services of wifey taking care of all the things didn't apply to him anymore. 

Me not supporting his hobby anymore.  I hate what this hobby has done to him.  Revelation or no, since he started doing this its been difficult.  From the expense to how just hard it is to live with him when he's nearly at a competition.  I was never comfortable with him doing this but it didn't stop him.  I see now it was his outlet for his secret.  So now that I am not his "wife" i no longer feel obligated to go to support him,  Its his thing, not mine.  Out of everything going on he spent nearly an hour of our therapy session gas lighting me for not supporting him enough with this it.  Our therapist said I'm not his 'wife' anymore and he needs to respect what I want to expose myself too but he's still throwing out comments.  I will say it was that therapy session where he was more concerned with the hobby than working on things was a good kick in my rear at where he is right now.

"No one is talking to me".  I think part of this is stemming from the hobby but he snapped that no one was talking to him at work or home.  For work he has been work from home since the Pandemic started he is just now popping into the office maybe once or twice a week in person.  I guess he expected everyone to talk to him the other morning?  At home, yeap I am keeping my distance.  I have limited trips up and down the stairs so I stay up where the kids are doing school most of the day.  Then I make dinner (he makes his own because of the stupid hobby) and then he either goes into his room and locks the door or just sits on his phone not engaging me or the kids. If we are with my family he is off in a corner on his phone (I am to the point where I tell him to just not come if he doesn't want to be there).   I'm angry, upset, frustrated, and trying to wrap my head around everything.  He's wounded so deeply I'm pulling away to stop him from doing it more and to prepare for life without him.  I feel my actions are justified.  

I have a feeling that as time progresses we'll run into more things like this.  Things that don't play out how he wants too.  His situation with his parents is something I am trying to stay out of, it is not my place, and honestly so many of their questions are valid.  At most I stop him from sending too harsh of responses should he run one by me.  His parents have not reached out to me since the day after he told them, I am letting them come to me when they are ready.  I think there is a lot of guilt and fear there.  I would be upset if one of my kids did to their SO what he has done to me. 

But things like not being his cheerleader and fixer anymore will remain more prevalent.  

How do you navigate these?  Does it get better?  Am I wrong for being selfish in protecting myself?

 

May 26, 2022 4:06 am  #2


Re: His Fantasy vs. My Reality

Agl03 wrote:

How do you navigate these?  Does it get better?  Am I wrong for being selfish in protecting myself?

 
You navigate it by by not taking on all his problems. You have to learn to care about yourself more than him.
Can you see that he knows he can evoke sympathy/empathy from you? And you give it without thinking. He's not going to change. You have to

"they" is one person who can't make up his mind who he wants to be in life and while he does he wants to use your life to hide behind and support him through it.

You deserve more but it's up to you.
Be strong

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

May 26, 2022 7:12 am  #3


Re: His Fantasy vs. My Reality

I think it's not uncommon for our spouses to have a fantasy in their heads about coming out.  They imagine it as a triumphant emergence, like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon, and have given very little thought to other people's feelings and the the concrete realities they will have to navigate.  They also expect there to be no consequences for their actions, in the sense that for them, everything that suits them about current arrangements--such as your attendance at competitions, or managing things like sending a father's day card to his father--will continue just as it always has (see: "consequences"; also see: "entitled").  

 I agree with Elle that you "navigate it by not taking on all his problems."  That means that along with ceasing to be his "fixer" and "cheerleader" you also stop thinking you should "manage his expectations" or trying to do this.   I understand that one reason we do this is that we understand that we will be subject to their reactions, so we try to manage them in order to control our own environment.  But giving up this kind of emotional care-taking is a necessity for your mental health, and part of detaching.  Stop letting him run things like his responses to his parents by you.  One of the consequences of his decision is that you are no longer the appropriate person for him to run things by; he can talk to his individual therapist about his parents.  

We cannot accompany them on their journey to be gay (lesbian, trans).  This is their journey, their road, to negotiate. I would suggest that one positive thing you could do would be to stop engaging in conversations with him about his parents or work, and to stop entirely intervening in his negotiations with his parents.  Their relationship is going to be their relationship, and you will have an entirely different and separate one with them that is limited to your role as the mother of their grandchildren.

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 26, 2022 7:13 am)

 

May 26, 2022 10:02 am  #4


Re: His Fantasy vs. My Reality

Aw yes, he like all of my family always know just how to guilt me into acting.  And yeap saw that first thing this morning.  

He and his dad had a huge blow up over text after I'd gone to bed.  Again, this morning he was wanting my empathy and consolation for his dad's response.  Do I agree with Dad's response, nope, did I see it coming 4000 miles away, for sure.  Are the questions unreasonable, nope.

His dad also went after the hobby last night and again didn't go over well.

I woke up to a text calling me out for a comment I made when I retracted myself from the situation and was told to Run financial decisions through him before i did them  So I cam downstairs, first apologized for a comment that was out of line because it was, and gave him cash for the $25 donation and some hair dye I bought.  He got mortified and was all "that wasn't what I meant". Sure it wasn't. By next week I will have a new bank account and have set our new budget with our personal allowances.  Cost for his hobby will be taken out of that.  I was also sure to address that what he said there was the most humiliating and degrating thing he had ever said to me.  

You are right, I can't stop him from making mistakes.  Its okay to pull away.  

     Thread Starter
 

May 26, 2022 2:42 pm  #5


Re: His Fantasy vs. My Reality

Agl03 wrote:

......You are right, I can't stop him from making mistakes.  Its okay to pull away.  

Yeah! you've got this Ag It takes a bit of practise to separate your emotional triggers (that are often instantaneous, done without thinking) to what he says and does....and your new self-preserving responses. 

You seem well-versed in what may happen in the interactions between you both so it'll be 'teaching' yourself to stop. count to 10 (or 20, or 5 lol) and in those seconds decide the best response. 
This is the way I did it. It didn't work for ages.....my anger/distress/confusion would jump in!! before thinking but gradually there were times I'd stop. Count. Take a breath. And not react the way I had before. There was a sentence I said to myself silently that actually became those seconds before replying/responding. 

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

May 26, 2022 5:43 pm  #6


Re: His Fantasy vs. My Reality

Agl03,

".."what did you expect? "

Yes  I went through the same..  it was the strangest thing.. she was actively cheating on me with her girlfriend but expected me to be the supportive problem solver husband  I always was..  she expected this from me.   I was expected to have this unwritten honor and would always do what she wanted.   The anger and rage exploded when I started putting things in the "not my problem" bucket.   

This is not you..   it is all of his making.    I think you are doing a great job detaching which is what one should do when their spouse is actively hurting them.     You do not need to be unkind   but know that any deviation now from your 100% reliability, support etc will be deemed as you being unkind.     Its an alternate moral reality they live in..  they can hurt us but we are expected to support them and willingly join them in hurting us.
It gets better when you fully detach and go no contact...when you surround yourself with normal and moral people..its then you see how entitled and hurtful they really were to you.

Wishing you strength and stoicism.

 
 

Last edited by Rob (May 26, 2022 5:44 pm)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

May 29, 2022 2:34 am  #7


Re: His Fantasy vs. My Reality

Rob wrote:

Agl03,

".."what did you expect? "

Yes  I went through the same..  it was the strangest thing.. she was actively cheating on me with her girlfriend but expected me to be the supportive problem solver husband  I always was..  she expected this from me.   I was expected to have this unwritten honor and would always do what she wanted.   The anger and rage exploded when I started putting things in the "not my problem" bucket.   

This is not you..   it is all of his making.    I think you are doing a great job detaching which is what one should do when their spouse is actively hurting them.     You do not need to be unkind   but know that any deviation now from your 100% reliability, support etc will be deemed as you being unkind.     Its an alternate moral reality they live in..  they can hurt us but we are expected to support them and willingly join them in hurting us.
It gets better when you fully detach and go no contact...when you surround yourself with normal and moral people..its then you see how entitled and hurtful they really were to you.

Wishing you strength and stoicism.

 
 

You hit the nail on the head with the any deviation from 100% support is seen as unkind and not supportive.  I've always been that cheerleader for him and the fixer when needed.  

He has hurt me (not physically) more in the last two months than in the 20+ years we have been friends/married.  And if I try to address it with him the subject is immediately skewed to him.  that I'm not supporting him or how things are going on with his parents.  He was mad the other day because "I am walking on eggshells around him".  I had my 2nd Covid Booster last week (yay high risk) and was down sick all week from it.  Not once did he come up to check on me.  But I'm expected to empathize as he struggles on his competition diet and it makes him tired.  My baseline is borderline exhaustion and overwhelming fatigue every single day.

My issue is the physical separation is going to take time.   If I had my way he'd be gone. The band aid is him in the MIL suite, he has his own separate space.  He chooses when he comes out to be with us even if its sitting on the couch buried in his phone.  So far trying to address his behaviors in therapy has failed and I'm not strong enough to have to live in this toxicity for however long it takes for the house market to chill.  

Contact will have to remain as well  We have kids.  I want them to have a relationship with their dad.  I want us to be on the same page with parenting.

Has anyone had experience with the mediation and process of setting up the separation agreement helping?  Does it make it worse?  For now we are leaning  Separation Agreement to keep me on his insurance.  Divorce will come into play should my insurance situation change or once of us wants to get remarried down the line....or if Mediation completely fails.

For now it seems like I am on the right track.  I am trying to live my life and manage the house as if he were not here.  I don't ask him to do anything, not that he'd do it anyway.  Tasks he'd taken over due to my medical issues I am reclaiming even though it will cost my physically.  The process of separating the finances has started too.

Wish I could just wave a magic wand to be at the other side of this already.

     Thread Starter
 

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