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1 - Grace1958
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Is he confused, gaslighting, just plain lying?
So now hubby who just 2 months ago said he was trans and wanted to live entirely as a woman in our home has done not quite a 180 but let's call it a 90 degree turn.
He says that he's "at the most" gender fluid and probably just a cross dresser and it just all went too far because he went down a rabbit hole with his internet reading and the fantasy life took over.
I haven't see "her" in a week. He's been helpful around the house and kind.
Now he started taking a mood med for depression about 6 wks ago.
He says it's made a difference in how he sees himself and while he's never giving up the crossdressing and does feel female sometimes he's mostly "back to himself"and his male side is more in charge.
I can't help but think this has to do with me putting in for housing, and starting to make lists to split things up for next year when something comes up available. He's nearly incapable of running his own life. I do nearly everything around the house, with family responsibilities, the food, the arrangements for ...everything. I'm the wife unit. He does things if I directly say something. "hey, the lawn needs to be cut today or tomorrow". Yeah. Ok, and eventually he does it. His ADHD seems better on this med and he's been doing things more often on his own.
Sure. I finally get the helpful hubby after 20+ yrs and now I don't feel I can trust him to flip flop back to "her" at any moment.
I guess it's good I have about a year to see how it goes before I can move.
I'm wondering if this is a common theme when the partner is facing divorce and living alone? Do they often back off and pretend either to us or themselves that they aren't trans/gay, etc after all?
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Is he confused, gaslighting, just plain lying?
When my trans-identifying now-ex thought I was serious about leaving him he went in "helpful" mode. I thought "Wow, finally! After 32 years of marriage he's acting like a real partner!" It didn't last. He also entered the purge phase of "binge and purge," which is common with men who are cross dressers (or autogynephiles).
Whether your husband's therapy can manage his urges is something you'll have ample opportunity to observe if you can't leave for a year.
- littlemammadee
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Re: Is he confused, gaslighting, just plain lying?
I am having the same issue with my 6 moths out Bi- husband who said he feels feminin and likes to dress like a girl. I told him can't see him that way and still have a physical relationship. He likes to bring it up and try to get me to agree but I won't. we have talked about splitting up because he wants other men in our life and I don't. However after he gets mad and tries to say he is gay he will come back the next day maybe 2 days later and say he just said that to make it easier for me to move on but he ultimately wants to stay together. He does this every couple weeks I am so tired and broken I told him almost 3 weeks ago that I will never have that conversation again. Now he is google searching the man he hooked up with because I was stupid and said we can try. I came to realize I was wrong and couldn't have anyone else in our relationship. but now he messages him when ever we get into a fight, the last couple times the guy never answered him back but I can't help but to be hurt and suspsious all the time now? I am not sure if he truly wants us to work is afraid of having to pay child support or just trying to break me down enough to give up and give him the double life he asked for in the beginning. After 21 years I love him to the ends of the earth but I cannot let him be with someone else either. So broken and lost i just want to give up on everything.
- lily
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Re: Is he confused, gaslighting, just plain lying?
Money is a huge factor in these relationships.
Mammadee - he already has his double life. He's messing with your head, also known as gaslighting, also known as lying. And here he is going from straight to bi to gay to trans/crossdresser. I am so sorry for your loss.
You are feeling hurt and suspicious. Interaction with him leaves you feeling broken and lost - those are not feelings you can walk away from, are they. You sound like I did - in need of yourself.
- Agl03
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Re: Is he confused, gaslighting, just plain lying?
Big old red flags there and I see panic.
Not only is the financial aspect terrifying to them when they realize what that actually looks like but my therapist said its the "Home" aspect. That I have created a home for him. Where its nice, things are a certain way, and he has been able to do his thing. The reality setting in of what a court will do to them in terms of alimony, child support, splitting of assets has to be absolutely terrifying. that was one of the first things I looked up because I'm disabled and waiting to get a disability hearing, I can not work. That research and my therapist assured me financially myself and the kids will be taken care of. Due to that, he won't be able to do any of the things he loves to do let alone have a place to live on his own. Coupled with if they have never properly managed a household on their own ever...
I have said this to my husband. and you can ask yourself the same thing. He could come to me tomorrow with dozens of roses, jewelry, on bended knee and say, no I wasn't gay, I'm sorry, I love you, I'll be better, and I want to stay married. And I would say no, our marriage ended with his confession. Because it doesn't change 10-20 years of lying/sneaking around doing god knows what. It doesn't change how he has treated me since he came out. It doesn't change how he's made me feel since he stopped having a physical relationship with me after we had our last child...knowing that it destroyed my self esteem, gave me body dysmorphia, and an eating disorder. It doesn't change that he risked our families safety during a pandemic to indulge his wants. It doesn't change He is using my weaknesses against me (guilt and gaslighting) when he's not getting his way right now. And I will never trust him again, not after so many years of lies.
this has forced me to look back at our time together and the flags were there. He never loved me like I loved him. He never gave me the love and support I wanted and asked for. I justified his behaviors by blaming myself, it was because of my medical issues that he was being like this. When in reality it was simply he didn't love me or want to be with me.
Being helpful for a few days doesn't change what has happened or who he is.
- Grace1958
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Re: Is he confused, gaslighting, just plain lying?
Thank you all.
I've got time to figure this out and see how the pendulum swings but honestly I'm getting to the very sad point where I don't care anymore how he feels on a particular day.
Today we went to the annual family Memorial Day weekend bbq and I had my husband for a while. Then on the way home he asked about a women's center I was planning to go to and get involved with once a month. Just to be around women who are also of my spiritual ways. He's asked several times since I met them when I was going and I finally snapped a bit and asked why he cared? He said he wants to come too. Oh hell no. I said, are you planning to go all femme and declare yourself a woman to the world? He said no, but he identifies..blah blah. I told him to find his own damn group because I want one dang thing that is just mine. I may end up stuck in this relationship unless money changes. But that doesn't mean I have to keep devoting all my time and energy to someone who is not the person I married. My marriage vows are just on paper going forward. I took off my rings, I don't "feel" married. It's like a marriage of convenience. Originally I was going to leave as soon as possible even if it meant living as a pauper and on food stamps, etc. Now I think not. He owes me. I got disabled caring for HIS mother. He's going to take care of me, like it or not. It's not the marriage I ever wanted, but after nearly 22 yrs together, it is what it is and if anyone is going to leave it will need to be him and then, well, he'll be the pauper.
I guess he's not the only one going through flip flops because today I am not feeling very loving at all. Not very understanding. I just feel like my walls are getting thicker and thicker and this is just an arrangement at this point. (rant off)
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Thread Starter- Daryl
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Re: Is he confused, gaslighting, just plain lying?
Good on you for not allowing him to insert himself into something you want to do.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Agl03
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Re: Is he confused, gaslighting, just plain lying?
Grace1958 wrote:
Thank you all.
I've got time to figure this out and see how the pendulum swings but honestly I'm getting to the very sad point where I don't care anymore how he feels on a particular day.
Today we went to the annual family Memorial Day weekend bbq and I had my husband for a while. Then on the way home he asked about a women's center I was planning to go to and get involved with once a month. Just to be around women who are also of my spiritual ways. He's asked several times since I met them when I was going and I finally snapped a bit and asked why he cared? He said he wants to come too. Oh hell no. I said, are you planning to go all femme and declare yourself a woman to the world? He said no, but he identifies..blah blah. I told him to find his own damn group because I want one dang thing that is just mine. I may end up stuck in this relationship unless money changes. But that doesn't mean I have to keep devoting all my time and energy to someone who is not the person I married. My marriage vows are just on paper going forward. I took off my rings, I don't "feel" married. It's like a marriage of convenience. Originally I was going to leave as soon as possible even if it meant living as a pauper and on food stamps, etc. Now I think not. He owes me. I got disabled caring for HIS mother. He's going to take care of me, like it or not. It's not the marriage I ever wanted, but after nearly 22 yrs together, it is what it is and if anyone is going to leave it will need to be him and then, well, he'll be the pauper.
I guess he's not the only one going through flip flops because today I am not feeling very loving at all. Not very understanding. I just feel like my walls are getting thicker and thicker and this is just an arrangement at this point. (rant off)
GOOD FOR YOU!
Hell no he does not need to be inserting himself into your thing. I would wager a guess part of it was worry about what you would be saying to those ladies more than wanting to be a part of it.
I"m stuck with mine for a bit too. I do have the luxury of him having his own space within the home but we still share the kitchen and he'll sit and watch TV with me and the kids sometimes. Today we celebrated one of our kids birthdays with my family. He said maybe 5 words the whole time and played on his phone ignoring everyone. No one bothered to engage him....and I didn't care.
If you have the space in the house to either get your own room or send him to his own, do it. I kept the master and for me it wasn't even a question. It could be me in the angry stage of things but I am really focusing on him being aware of the consequences of his choices.
- Grace1958
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Re: Is he confused, gaslighting, just plain lying?
If you have the space in the house to either get your own room or send him to his own, do it. I kept the master and for me it wasn't even a question. It could be me in the angry stage of things but I am really focusing on him being aware of the consequences of his choices.
We have a 3 bedroom manufactured home. I have my own room, he has an office with his stuff (tools and femme) and the principal bedroom has 2 twin xl beds in it so if we watch tv together a couple times a week before bed I can be comfortable. It has the large closet so we both need access, it wouldn't work as just my room. Unfortunately the three rooms are all clustered together so there's no real privacy and we can't have each our own bathroom.
If we do end up needing to stay together we will no doubt move to a townhome with a loft/bedroom on the third floor that can be all his, and my room and the other room on the 2nd floor. He would also have the basement as a workshop We're just too stuck together here on one floor and I get super pissed off when I'm struggling to do housework and he's in his room doing whatever. Nothing gets done because I get my back up and watch tv instead of cleaning.
There's going to be an inheritance (no idea how much) from his bachelor uncle at some point. That will make things more clear.
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Is he confused, gaslighting, just plain lying?
Grace, about that inheritance. I don't know where you live, but if you're in the US, some states consider inheritance marital property, while others consider it individual property if it never goes into a joint account. An inheritance can also make it easier for them to leave (or for us, if it comes to us).