wi-il-11,
My background briefly, with ex for 17+ years dated 5 married 12. I'm going to do my best to leave my story out of this but some aspects will be revealed to provide context. This is going to feel like a smack on the back of the head from your father. It is going to sound harsh but it's the cold hard truth brother. Man to F$cking Man.

Truth is, your wife lied to you from the beginning. The image of the person you created in your mind of who you thought she was never existed. Smoke and mirrors. This is what is destroying you. Your self-confidence is shot because of the betrayal. The person you trusted the most in life never was. If she says she's always been gay then everything else is bullsh!t she tells you to make herself feel less guilty. If she's always known, then she knew they day you met her. That was her first time she lied to you. The moment she said she wanted to "explore" just means she was done with your relationship probably months before mentioning it. Smart money is she had already cheated on you emotionally or physically before she approached you.

​For example, my ex did the "explore" thing and I, like a scared bit$h, let her. I didn't want to break up the family. The biggest lie I told my self was "happy wife happy life"(second biggest lie sold to men). Then when she got herself a girlfriend suddenly she was gay and has always known it. Two weeks later, after a long explanation to me of how she's always known she was gay, since 2nd grade, she was explaining to a mutual friend about how her sexuality was a "sliding scale."  You can't make this sh$t up. It's not a sliding scale, it's an attention scale.
I know your pain when you see her giddy and happy with her new girlfriend. But your wife is happy because she has a new source of attention. Attention is the coin of their realm. Now you need to focus on you. You are a man and you are built for hard times. Constantly being a nice guy to her only makes HER feel stronger. When she sees you cry it's like she's Supergirl soaking up the radiation from the yellow sun. But it's not radiation it's your suffering, and it's real. But she doesn't care. Why? Because her new girlfriend is there to give her all the attention she can handle.

Get her out of your life, NOW. Rip the band aid off. This can all be done in a reasonable manor but keeping her in your house is not doing you any good. You built that house for a faithful wife, and she wasn't up for it. The reason why doesn't matter. If she's all smiles with her new partner, then pack her up and send her out the door. Let her stay with her. The housing market is her problem, not yours. You're a man and you've got a life to conquer. Your a father so you've got a legacy to raise. Your legacy. Never speak ill of her to your kids. EVER! Let her break the news to the kids but you be there when she does. Whether or not she tells them she's gay is up to her. Set a date for her to do it and hold her to it. Do not break. If she refuses, then you tell the kids without her. The sooner the better. They have lives to live and the sooner they start their journey the better for them. Get them counseling if necessary. But never let your ex meet a counselor without you. Don't let her tell you to consider the children bullsh!t. They're your kids too and what's best for them is their Father get's his life together and leads them. If she cared so much about the welfare children she wouldn't have knowingly wanted to "explore" her bisexuality or become a wife to a man when she knew "all her life" she was a lesbian. Please, it's time to stop treating people who do this this as anything more than what they are, liars.

What I type might make you feel angry. Don't fall into the anger trap. Anger clouds your judgement. Live your life so that your children understand that you are their leader who can keep his cool. Show them that real men can handle hard times. In a word, Stoic. Courage is your new level of consciousness and discipline is your life sustaining multivitamin. Never argue with her. Just tell her she needs to leave it's over and you are not a springboard for her new found life. Far too often I see, and I did this too, we try to coddle them hoping that it's not real and they will wake up. We want to make life easier for them. Why? Because we spent a lot of time caring about their needs in the relationship . It's an old habit and it's time to break that heavy a$$ chain. Her comfort in this scenario is not your purpose. She's made a decision that this is who she is and who she claims she's always been. Now, as a man, it's time to hold her to account.

Accountability is a tough pill for liars to swallow so get ready for the blame game. Also not your problem. When I woke up and reinstalled my backbone and held my ex to account suddenly she started telling everyone I was a narcissist. She also called any of HER family members that thought she was full of sh$t a narcissist. Seeing a pattern yet? Typical story of wanting to have your cake and eat it too. To save face and cover up her guilt and shame she will have no one to blame but you. So when it starts, just let it be a milepost telling you you are doing the right thing. Treat her as if she is a coworker you can't trust. She has now been moved to acquaintance level in your life. This is by her choice. This is also a unintended benefit for you because you will find out who your real friends are. The ones who believe the liar are dead to you. Perfect way to tighten up your circle.

Treat this as if she left you for another man. Betrayal is a betrayal. Gay not gay, doesn't matter. No second chances. Your life is to important to sleep with one eye open the rest of your life. Get the divorce rolling ASAP. Fight for every ounce of custody you can get with your kids. I was lucky. My wanted 50/50 custody straight away so she could maximize her free time with her new source of attention. I hope it goes that easy for you. If not, fight. Because that's what father's do for their children. 

For your personal improvement I suggest finding the gym. Exercise is the best antidepressant. If you are not near one build your own. Find a program and stick to it. Get back into fighting shape. Crack a smile when you squeeze out the extra reps. Let your kids see a father with strong arms and broad shoulders. A man who takes his health seriously. Eat good food. If you drink alcohol, quit. If you smoke, quit. That stuff doesn't help and your kids need you to keep your head on straight and it's an excuse not to feel your feelings. If you need to cry fine. Take five, cry hard, and get it out IN PRIVATE then go for a walk and do something. Anything. If you are in debt get out of it. Start a side hustle. Find a hobby you love and monetize it. It's time to make your wounds your work. 

Find a therapist and don't be afraid to fire them. If they just nod their heads and don't challenge your thoughts move on. I had 3. The ones who work with PTSD are probably the best because this IS a traumatic stress. Divorce is worse than death because they are always one phone call away. Journal everyday for 10 minutes. You thoughts don't need to be organized just right them down. Read and consume material that helps. Start with "No more Mr Nice Guy". It's a rabbit whole from there. Focus on your masculine purpose and reestablish your frame. If you are like me you probably died a slow death of capitulation  in your marriage framed as "compromise". Compromise sounds great until you've compromised so much the woman in your life no longer respects you. Boundaries are not lines in the sand anymore. No, is an answer and it's highly underutilized today.

Get a battle buddy. Another MAN who is not a mutual friend with your ex. Someone who listens well is important. They should only give you an opinion if you ask. And you should ask. Be careful who you chose. They should not be a man with a wrecked personal or professional life. They should be another man who is solid control. If you pick unwisely you could end up miserable. Misery love's company. Become awesome at being alone. Until you master this, no dating at all. Full on monk for at least a year but I would suggest two. No porn either. I never had an issue but I don't know you so I figure I'd mention it. Too many young and old men alike waste their valuable time scrolling that stuff. You have a real life to live not some fantasy BS life. A real one, your only one. No hot instagram or facebook models nothing. Your phone and internet browsing history should be so pristine that if your daughter or your mother found them open they would NOT see one thing about it. It's all a distraction. Max out your life and women will show up, trust me.

This is a lot of information but I've been there brother. I wish someone had given me this advice vs just telling me "everything is going to be okay". It only becomes "okay" when you realize and accept the situation your in, prioritize your tasks then divide and conqueror. Some days will be one step forward three back. Even a year from now it will be like that but I promise it is like climbing a mountain. On bad days you can always look back and see how far you've come. Like rereading old journal entries and thinking "who the f$ck was that guy writing this stuff"?

As for me it's been over two years since her glorious exodus from my life. I call it my birthday. I went all the way back to the no BS guy I was when we met in college and rebuilt from there. I am in top physical condition and at 43 years old. Zero Medications. I had a heart doctor give me a stress test. His comment was I never see people in shape like you, you need a different comparison chart because everything is off the scale. That made me smile. I have read more and listened to more audio books in that time than any other point in my life. There's money back in my bank account free of her Amazon spending sprees (her first mistress). I got my house, truck, and 50/50 custody. All she got was her half of the equity. By the time she got her share she had acquired up so much personal after separation debt it barely paid it off. She walked with nothing but the freedom of her choice and a feeling of regret when she realized the grass is greener on the other side of the fence because the water bill is more expensive. She tried coming back in subtle ways but I made it very clear I'm not interested. I am starting a side business I plan on running full time from my house in 2 years so I can be the best dad to my girls I can be. 8 and 5 yoa respectively.

I'm dating a smoking hot woman who has her financial and personal life in order. The ex is not a fan because the new model is way hotter than the old one but it's not my problem. Even though I'm dating I have no plans of ever remarrying and accept the fact that ALL relationships are temporary, boundaries will be respected, my girls are my priority and I will pursue my personal excellence.

I type that last portion as a humble brag and as a lighthouse for you. Life will go on. Right now you see your past with her with rose colored glasses. Take em off. Forgive her, forgive yourself. Do that a 1000 times if you need to but you can only trust a wife once and she blew it. Move on brother you've got work to do.