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1 of 1- Mirkata
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I don't know how to help me and my partner through difficult moments.
Hello,
I'm new here.
Sorry, I’m not a native English speaker and there can be a lot of mistakes.
I’m(female 27) dating with a gay man(he says that he is gay not bi) and we have very close and trusting relationship.
We started like a straight couple, but in a few months he came out that he had gay relationships. He told me that he also had short relationships with women. In the both cases he didn’t get what he needed. He liked sex with men but had orgasm very rarly.
He started psychological therapy. The main response was to figure out why he can not have normal relationships with man or woman. And will he be able to have LTR with woman(for him relationship with woman more preferable than with man)? During the therapy it became clear that the main reason is parent’s relationship(cold and manipulative mother and passive father who was not interested his son’s life). The mother always said that women are mean.
Then he met me and realized that women are not so bad. That he can experience very pleasant moments with a woman and he wants a long-term relationship with a woman. He ready to work on it. I’ve agreed to be with him and support. I've almost accepted that this process might take a long time and the result can be not preferred for me. I'm preparing myself for the sad future where we will not together.
So now everything is fine except sex. He doesn’t avoid sex with me and he likes my body(he told me that several times). But I can see that he is not sexual attracted by me (he has an erection but often weak). Also, he wants to do pleasant things for me and does it well but he has no orgasm with me. So it makes me feel unhappy because I want him to feel the same things. I see that the therapy is giving some progress, now sex with me more interested then time we only started.
But also, I know that he uses a dating app and sexted with gay men. I don’t think that he is cheating me, but it is hard to understand how he can actually want a relationship with woman and want sex with men? I have mixed feelings, but I want us both to be happy, together or not.
I am sure that there are many people with sexual self-determination issues (I hope I have called it right) and how best to support people in this difficult period?
- Gloria
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Re: I don't know how to help me and my partner through difficult moments.
I am so sorry that you found yourself in a place that none of us wants to be. My ex gay boyfriend never told me that he was gay but I found many signs. I was hearbroken when I found out. I am not going to tell you what to do but take it slowly and decide if you want a relationship with a gay man or possibly a straight man. I will be holding a good thought for you.
- Daryl
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Re: I don't know how to help me and my partner through difficult moments.
Do not forget to support yourself. You need to be more to him than an experiment in relationships. Communication and honesty will be critical for you. Good luck.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Grace1958
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Re: I don't know how to help me and my partner through difficult moments.
First, welcome. Your English usage is pretty terrific! I wish I could speak any other language as well.
It really seems like your bf is just not sure who he is yet. He could be pansexual, he could be just one who likes to give and not receive (they are out there). He could have any number of other orientations. But what he should not be doing is expressing any desire to be exclusive with you because it's not going to work. I think you like this man and you enjoy his company but it's pretty obvious this will not be a long term relationship. It would only hurt you. Please be careful of sexualy transmitted diseases with this man and only use protection. If you like being with him, date him, but date others too so you can find someone who will be more compatible for your life going forward.
Wishing you peace
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: I don't know how to help me and my partner through difficult moments.
I think you are being groomed by this man to be a beard, a soft place for him to land, an acceptable social face, and a "wife appliance."
It is not a compliment to be told by your boyfriend that you have proved to him "that women are not so bad." It's an insult, and, furthermore, it places you in a position relative to him in which you are constantly going to be having to prove to him that "women are not so bad."
Is this really what you want for your foreseeable future? To be focused not on your own development but on your boyfriend's sexual confusions?
- Crystal_H
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Re: I don't know how to help me and my partner through difficult moments.
Sorry to hear you are going through this. You are so young and in my opinion and experience you are settling with what he can give you and telling you what he can give. I can assure you that you are worth so much more than the minimal he is giving. I was in a relationship with my GXH for 13 years and didn't find out until he we divorced that he was gay. At a very young age in our relationship I knew I deserved more intimacy from him but I just settled because I allowed his "good qualities" to be enough for me. I am just know realizing that I am worthy and whole and deserving of a healthy sex life were I feel fully seen and wanted as a women. I should have not settled and neither should you nor anyone else for that matter.
- Mirkata
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Re: I don't know how to help me and my partner through difficult moments.
The great thank you ladies for your responses. I’ve read the each yours story and very sorry that we had faced that experience.
Unfortunately, for me the sad truth is that I really haven’t ever had the relationship closer and more open, with the same tenderness and care than current. That’s why it is so hard to confess myself that this relationship is doomed. I really hope to waste not a lot of time trying to understand my feelings.
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