I, too, am so sorry you are in this situation.  I really relate - married 22 years and completely blindsided. My husband also wants us to stay friends; he says he will take care of our family; he says that there is no one else.

You are right, though.  Trust has been broken.

You need to be the one to start looking out for you and your kids now.  Your husband has unfortunately shown he won't do that.

My GH and I tried couple's counseling.  But the therapy was only about getting us to the end goal of being friends and having an amicable divorce.  It wasn't the place for me to process my deep hurt, sense of betrayal, anger, fear, and sadness.  I ended the sessions, and that was the first step in my starting to get control back in my life.  My individual therapist has been so much more helpful for me.

Know that all of your feelings are completely valid. You don't have to accept the way he wants things to be. You get to decide for yourself now.

Do you have a support network?  Family or friends that can walk through this with you?

Find strength here, too.  This forum has been so helpful for me. You are not alone.


 

Thank you all.

Yes, I do have my own therapist and a separate psychiatrist and have for over a year now.  Therapist is who is doing our couples therapy and is basically pulling no punches with him as I am her first priority.  He is supposed to be finding his own therapist because I refuse to help him deal with his parents but for all that time on the phone he hasn't managed to find one.  I am using the couples therapy as a place to address issues like his attitude and actions with a mediator present.  I have pulled in my entire care team in from my general, to pulmonary, to cardiology, to my mental health team.  As well as my disability lawyers.

Yes, I do have a support network.  My mom and siblings are both within 15 minutes of me and have been supportive.  They will be there for whatever I should need to a point. Since his revelation we have made an effort to spend more time as a family with them.  Financially there isn't much they can do.  My mom hasn't had a coming to Jesus moment with him yet upon my request but she is more than ready to tear into him.  I am avoiding his parents because they reached out right after he told them to make sure I didn't run away, "stayed and did my job", and didn't make a scene so that other family would see.  And heaven forbid anyone from Church find out.  

I have been doing the research and am getting familiar with my rights in a divorce.  I know very well that it will absolutely decimate him financially each month as he will be responsible for taking care of me and the kids.  I will also get half of our assets, half the house proceeds when its sold, and  half his 401K.  there is part of me that felt guilt for doing that to him but that has faded as the weeks have passed.  As you all rightly said, right now I need to take care of myself and my kids.  

Once he does move out my mom made me promise to get a life alert button should i have an incident and need help.  Something I will follow through with.  I am well aware of my limits, I need a wheelchair if I need to do more than a quick in and out.. But that is part of why this hurts so bad.  He knows that every day is a fight for me to simply get out of bed or that i've been locked down for two years because Covid will kill me.   

The house we currently have is too much for me alone, alone I'll need a new one and have already been watching the market and will be reaching out to my mortgage guy discretely to see what my options are there.  Massive problem is our market is insane, which is great for selling but no so much for buying.  

It seems a step we need to put on a more aggressive track is getting our own separate living spaces that are not in the same house.  This will go far in hopefully reducing the stress and anxiety he is putting on me with his mere presence.  

I will continue to reach out and lurk on the posts of others.  I never in a million years thought I would be in this position.   

Agl03 wrote:

....... I am avoiding his parents because they reached out right after he told them to make sure I didn't run away, "stayed and did my job", and didn't make a scene so that other family would see.  And heaven forbid anyone from Church find out. .......

 

Omg such an archaic attitude!
I'd like to be a fly on the wall if you ever decide to make that scene  

Elle
 

Agl03,

A warm welcome.

First I think the couples counseling is a waste in this regard as he has decided he is gay and has shown he doesn't want the marriage.   I urge you to just get your own lawyer and not waste time with that.   I'm  not familiar with an amicable divorce so am biased based on having a gay ex wife.  For a normal couple one would think a divorce could amicable and cheap..  but there is nothing normal about our spouses..  how can someone that lied for years be agreeable to be reasonable in a divorce.   Maybe it could happen but usually they get quite mean when divorce and money is involved.  A lawyer once retained looks out for YOUR interest . 

Second I think your doing great by building your support system.  It's a scary thing..if you take away the gay..to find out that should we get sick or injured that these spouses would not want to take care of us..that their love is a fleeting as the weather.

Post back as much as you want.  Wishing you strength and courage.