I'm healing and moving on, feeling more settled and able to relax now that it's been 5 weeks since he moved out. But I'm struck by how different this situation is than most on here. A lot of the discussions and advice here are based on a different paradigm, a totally opposite motivation behind the whole mess. There must be others like us who are coming from decades of Evangelical Christian life. We left that 2 years ago, and feel aimless about what might be true about the world. I wanted to share this side because it's played out VERY different for my family than what I usually see here. 

First, being closeted for those like my ex is not as much about people finding out than about God knowing your real "sinfulness". Yes, there's the shame of people finding out - but it's much smaller than the existential high stakes of your thoughts and soul. When you see constant proof and hear countless stories of God punishing gay people, there's no question to you that this is how it all works. People tell about God showing a vision of hunting down gay people to make their cars break down right as a truck comes behind in the highway, so the gay person is killed for their evil desires. 

So in my marriage, unbeknownst to me, my ex would feel the God fire coming close because of feeling an attraction to a man while he's at a store or restaurant. He knew the punishment might be called off if he did enough to repent, right then, no time to lose! So he would close himself away to spend the rest of the day reading his Bible, with worship music playing. He would journal and pray for hours, admitting to God what a wretched sinner he is and that he needs to be changed by the only One who changes people's hearts. To me, it was very bewildering and hurtful because we'd have plans or I needed him to help with the kids or whatever - but when I tiptoed in and asked or reminded, all his primal fear about possibly being struck dead by a heart attack or stroke any moment would come out at me. I was preventing him from getting help. But he didn't tell me that! He would yell that God is more important than anything else, and I'd feel embarrassed. How could I mind my husband being so godly? I wanted a very deeply spiritual man. 

His constant up and down from feeling the life and death times was utterly insane. I got emotionally shut down and pushed away because he couldn't handle the pressure. Every time he started to feel that God really changed him, he'd then feel something for a man in a movie or in public and go back to huge repentance sessions. He took his frustration out on me in very emotionally abusive ways. He hid this entire problem from me, so he was lying at the core about who he is and why he was upset all the time. But it was a major spiritual war to him, and I don't hear others here talking from that view of their partners. 

In our house, if we smelled something musty or smoky, it meant that demons were there. Or if a part of a room suddenly felt colder, it was a demon there. It wasn't actual smells or drafts! We would get up from our dinner or movie and go into full-blown pentecostal demon hunting. Our kids knew how to do this! If the gas in the car seemed to go down too quickly, Satan was stealing our money. If we got sick, it was Satan stealing our divine health. Everything revolved around Satan! And of course, he's the one who tricks people into feeling unnatural same sex desires that aren't really true for them - that's what we thought. Many people we know were delivered from this and went on to have no SSA after they repented enough! (Of course, I don't agree now, but this was 100% true like gravity to us.)

So when my husband fought these desires, he was going to conquer Satan's powers in his body and then love me really well. The more I heal, the more I know this. It must not be the case in other types of families, but it made sense in this one. He was fighting for our marriage to be good, and when I cried that I felt unloved he got angry because he was trying SO HARD to fight these forces that held him back. He just couldn't tell me, like a CIA guy whose wife thinks he's an accountant at a boring company and he's really coming home with all the stress and pressure of people who might die tonight in a terrorist attack. 

When he finally realized that being gay is a real thing, not a Satanic lie, he was broken. He's full of remorse and regret for himself and the way he treated me. He now sees and keeps apologizing for how his behavior was totally unfounded. He wasn't ever fighting demons out of his body, and he didn't have to leave me to do everything alone with the kids so often. It's crazy for us both to realize what was really happening! 

He was incredibly depressed, too. He avoided life, was passive, slept way too much, had no hobbies or friends and didn't enjoy all our holidays and birthdays and babies being born and milestones like learning to ride bikes. This hurt me and the kids in huge ways. His undiagnosed (til now) deep, constant depression made our lives hell in a second way. I wanted a husband who loved and cared about our kids' lives. I thought every dad was like that, unless they were alcoholic or something! I carried everything for our big, homeschooling family because he was in a pit and got irritable (or worse) if he was supposed to be part of the world above ground. If you've lived with someone with depression, you know how it cripples the family. Therapists think this was the biggest reason all our kids have anxiety and anxious or avoidant attachments. 

To me, the depression was that he was disappointed he married me. In the religious world, you never get divorced. If you choose unwisely, you stay with an abusive partner and pray that God changes them. God knew you'd be with them, and He has plans to use it for your good. So when it was clear in week 1 of marriage that he was disappointed in being my husband, I felt so ashamed of myself. I frantically tried for 17 years to change myself, to be easier and more helpful. He was stuck with me for life, so I wanted him to see what a great person I can be. His aversion to sex was part of this - he saw the truth, that I was gross and ugly. I was always afraid that true, and at 24 I found out to my horror that it was. That even though guys want (need) sex all the time, he just couldn't handle it with gross me. That was how incredibly undesirable my body was, even though I have a good figure and don't have any weird things in my appearance - I'm normal. I stood at the mirror so often, trying to see what was so disgusting to others. 

Now, as we tear away the lies from religious control and Evangelical systems, he's very open and kind. He doesn't need to fight the demons or spend hours repenting anymore. He's getting therapy and meds for the depression, which is like a whole life makeover. He connects to us and carries our feelings with us. No more being detached or passive. He continues to realize what he was doing and how it looked/felt to me, on my side of the equation. Instead of avoiding hard talks, he's given me 4 months of healing, affirming explanations. People in this group have been stern with me to not believe "crocodile tears" or these healing, helpful things because they're a manipulative abuse game. But it's not. I kept waiting for that to come, but it feels more and more safe. People here don't get the way that my whole body was in full-alarm before and now for months has been completely safe! The thing that changed was the truth coming out and our decision to divorce. All the hellfire and the reasons behind abusing me are gone.