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May 5, 2022 10:40 am  #1


Not Sure How to Respond

Hi Everyone, new here. Looking for support and validation on all these crazy thoughts that my brain is trying to process. I was in a 13 yr relationship. My ex asked for divorce not really giving a reason as to why. We have been separated for 3 years and finally divorced last month in March 2022. I have done a pretty good job at finally distancing myself emotionally from him for the past year. Then I hear from him in an email and he has now come out as gay. The turmoil in our marriage all makes sense now as I'm putting all the pieces together. The hurt and betrayal is so brutal and heart wrenching. I know that I want to respond to him about his confession, but what do I even say???  At the time he asked for the divorce he had not come out. There were rumors but I decided to just ignore and push them out of the way. Heck, he even have me an STD and I was still believing him. Now I am struggling and asking myself. Why did I ignore this? How did I let it go for so long? I knew there was an issue but was always to scarred to truly confront it because I didn't want to end my marriage. Why did my brain and heart think that it was ok to live in a marriage like this full of lies? This has really done a number on my self  worth that I would like to overcome. I am starting to feel anger creep up and this scares me. I'm so glad I found this forum and I am not alone in this even though it feels like I am.

 

May 5, 2022 11:26 am  #2


Re: Not Sure How to Respond

Hi Crystal,

Welcome and I’m sorry you had to be here.

Your message totally resonates with me and I’m positive that all members on this forum have been in the space.

The anger that you feel with the lies and betrayal of a partner is totally valid. However the anger within yourself is valid, too because you have standards and know what is acceptable to be a loving partner. Please do not be anger with yourself (I have done that too). Why did you “accept” it and “allow” yourself to stay and be gaslighted? It’s because you weren’t given the truth! You were never given the opportunity to make a decision for your life with facts, but rather lies.

Now that you know the truth and can see with open eyes and not be manipulated or gaslighted to loving someone who was deceiving you.

When anyone enters a marriage, they do so lovingly and honestly and you never want to end in a divorce. Your love for someone doesn’t go away and it hurts so bad when you know they can walk away and do so without any warning or any thought to your life. Those who can do this are sociopaths in my opinion and that means they don’t love fiercely as we do.

Please give yourself some grace and know you made a decision at the time that was right for you with the information you had. Hindsight is 20/20 and I still go back and forth with the anger and struggle.

What I have told myself is. I will never forgive but I will forgive ONLY myself for allowing “It” to fool me.

Hugs to you,

LostAtSea

 

May 5, 2022 2:12 pm  #3


Re: Not Sure How to Respond

LostAtSea,
In reading you response it make me open my eyes to seeing that this as a form of gaslighting and manipulation. I did not ever think to look at it this way. A part of me feels so bad for him and still wants to justify his behavior. Here I was just trying to heal from the divorce it self but now I am hit with this news and it seems like I am back to square one and taking several steps back. From what he is telling me. He too was not able to come to terms with this himself and is finally taking the steps to do so. So I don't know if this is why I am trying to justify it. I'm so over trying to justify! I am really just trying to focus on me and my healing in all this. Thanks for your words of encouragement. This is scary that this happens more often than not. and it just is not talked about and I can definitely see why.
Hugs Back, Crystal_H

     Thread Starter
 

May 5, 2022 3:23 pm  #4


Re: Not Sure How to Respond

Crystal_H wrote:

.

You could actually see this as a wonderful thing. Even with all the stress, confusion, anger, sadness....you name it, we've all been through it. Even after all the trauma and feelings of loss....this man has admitted this to you. He's typed it out and sent it to you. Proof that in all the time you were with him he was keeping part of who he was from you (and probably many other people too)....that he's gay..
And maybe you could see it as a starting point for you to start putting this part of your life firmly behind you

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

May 5, 2022 3:28 pm  #5


Re: Not Sure How to Respond

Crystal_H wrote:

LostAtSea,
In reading you response it make me open my eyes to seeing that this as a form of gaslighting and manipulation. I did not ever think to look at it this way. A part of me feels so bad for him and still wants to justify his behavior. Here I was just trying to heal from the divorce it self but now I am hit with this news and it seems like I am back to square one and taking several steps back. From what he is telling me. He too was not able to come to terms with this himself and is finally taking the steps to do so. So I don't know if this is why I am trying to justify it. I'm so over trying to justify! I am really just trying to focus on me and my healing in all this. Thanks for your words of encouragement. This is scary that this happens more often than not. and it just is not talked about and I can definitely see why.
Hugs Back, Crystal_H

 

     Thread Starter
 

May 6, 2022 8:39 am  #6


Re: Not Sure How to Respond

I am a straight male who just found out his wife of almost a decade thinks she is trans. I know what you mean about it making sense "in retrospect," but that's a cognitive phenomenon / trick of the mind called "hindsight bias" by scientists. Soren Kierkegaard said, “life is to be lived forward, but it is to be understood backwards”. It only all fell together because you knew the answer (finally) and then the clues became apparent. Please don't blame yourself for someone else's lie. All humans want in life is to be accepted and loved by at least one other human and it is no crime to believe the person you were in love with and trusted. The lies were HIS wrong, not yours. My wife has lied to me straight-faced, looking directly into my eyes, and swearing on her mother's life and our wedding vows. That is on her, not me. I know what it is like to feel stupid and dumb for being deceived, but I had to just forgive myself. She was my wife and had shown herself to be trustworthy on a million other occasions. Please don't torture yourself about this if you can stop. This was not your fault.

 

May 6, 2022 9:00 am  #7


Re: Not Sure How to Respond

What I want to know is this: did he contact you in order to apologize for deceiving you all these years?  Did he express any remorse for his actions, which included endangering your health by giving you and STID?  Or did he contact you in order to clear his conscience and justify his actions?  Is he playing the "get out of jail free" card of "a homophobic society made me do it" (a form of the of "the devil made me do it" excuse).  And  is he now expecting your "understanding" or "forgiveness"? 
 
I would suggest that unless he has offered you evidence that he understands that he made choices that hurt you, and doesn't try to offer excuses for them, seeking answers from him or talking the past over with him is going to result in more gaslighting and hurt for you.  Talking to a therapist would be safer and far useful for you.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 6, 2022 9:00 am)

 

May 6, 2022 10:02 am  #8


Re: Not Sure How to Respond

@witty_response, this part about the lies being his wrong are so true. I need to work on receiving this. I don't know why we try to take on others peoples feelings. Yes, you are right this was HIS and not mine. I am ready to do the work to process through this. Luckily we did not have any children together because I'm sure this is a whole other challenge within itself. I need to stop with the torture and am seeking therapy to help get me through this. I'm glad to have found this Forum with others that are having the same struggles as I.
 

     Thread Starter
 

May 6, 2022 10:10 am  #9


Re: Not Sure How to Respond

OutofHisCloset wrote:

What I want to know is this: did he contact you in order to apologize for deceiving you all these years?  Did he express any remorse for his actions, which included endangering your health by giving you and STID?  Or did he contact you in order to clear his conscience and justify his actions?  Is he playing the "get out of jail free" card of "a homophobic society made me do it" (a form of the of "the devil made me do it" excuse).  And  is he now expecting your "understanding" or "forgiveness"? 
 
I would suggest that unless he has offered you evidence that he understands that he made choices that hurt you, and doesn't try to offer excuses for them, seeking answers from him or talking the past over with him is going to result in more gaslighting and hurt for you.  Talking to a therapist would be safer and far useful for you.

@OutofHisCloset it kinda feels like both. I know I want to respond and really tell him how I feel. I feel like if I do this then I can just get all these feeling out and move on. I'm not even looking for a response from him it is more for me. I feel like I have a right to let him know how detrimental this has been and how the impact of his choices have affected me and my kids. I'm not ready to forgive, but I know that I in time I will. Just not now. 
 

     Thread Starter
 

May 8, 2022 8:34 am  #10


Re: Not Sure How to Respond

Crystal,

If you think responding will help YOU than by all means tell him how much he hurt you.   I guess particularly if he gave you this news first himself and is a normal person.

But my GX is not normal...my choice is below..

On the other hand if  you've been no contact I would continue the no contact.   It's a form of contact to respond even if it's to tell them how much they hurt us.  For myself anyway my GX is so convinced what she did was moral and right there is no point in me telling her anything..even for myself..as she will just dish out more hurt..telling me, somehow, how much I hurt her and that she had to have a gay affair because of me.  No, these spouses do not deserve the satisfaction of contact with us to dish out further hurt, guilt, crazy morals etc.    They have forfeited all rights and  privileges to our sanity.. 

Best of luck but know that many of them will never see their lifetime of lies as anything but out fault..its an insane morality I stay far away from.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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