HopelessR

We had so many words spoken over us and rejection I think everyone here can identify.

And those words and the rejction are so not true. We are worth more than these spouses can comprehend.  More than they can possibly understand. 

It's a cruel thin these spouses made us live. Years out now I can see the lack of physical intimacy I initiated by her.. things a normal hot blooded woman would want..the little she gave waning over the years ..pulled back by her to the point where she could make me think it's my fault. The sudden complete and total physical rejection when she started having her affair and deciding it was morally ok to withhold even basic affection from me.  She could have it (from her gay girlfriend) but I was not worthy of it in her mind. Like she was a God that could control and decide what morsels of affection I deserved.
A sick and evil morality that was more hurtful then the lack of intimacy itself.

I dont think God intended in marriage for us to be hurt like this over and over for all our years on this earth.  Our fierce loyalty is misplaced when our spouse is hurting us over and over like this.   

Know that you are worthy of love and affection.  You are so much more.  It's they that are not worthy of us. 

A sincere e-hug.

Hi HR,
I was you when I was 22 and married for 5 yrs. Got pregnant the second time when he came home so drunk I think he didn't even know what he was really doing. Nothing before for a year or after, ever. At age 23 I finally came out and asked him what kind of woman he liked. He said flat chested and very thin. I said "like a man?" and he said yes and started to cry. 
You are older than I was. I truly deeply suggest you speak to your husband and ask him if he has no sex drive (in which case he can see a dr for low-T) or if he is seeing someone else, or if he likes men. The only way you are going to decide how to move forward is to know the truth. Insist on it. 
It's not you. It's him and his inability to own up to his own truth, whichever it may be. 
wishing you peace

Thank you all for your sympathy and encouragements... I sometimes get lost in feeling like I’m just being mellow dramatic, and it’s helpful to be reminded that I’m not the only one and my feelings are not invalid. You guys are amazing.

September wrote:

Hopeless Romantic

You are 100% not alone. Even though my husband at the time never specifically said it was my fault that he didn’t want to have sex with me he also never reassured me that it WASN’T my fault. And when we would talk about the issue I use to tell him how “What’s wrong with me? What can I do”. That went on for years. He knew I thought it was my fault and he allowed me to believe that. Awful.

I just turned 30. No kids. And I feel so ugly.
Now I look myself in the mirror every day an say something I like about myself. And then I write down one thing  I’m grateful for or something good that happened that day. It helps sometimes.

September,

I’m so sorry he put you through that... for what it’s worth, 30 is still pretty young and you don’t have kids yet so it’s definitely not too late to start over (if that’s what you want to do). And I think it’s sweet that you make an effort to pay yourself little compliments daily.

Personally, me and mirrors don’t get along. And I’m only 28, but I have 2 small children and some serious trust issues at this point so I’ve already determined that if I’m not able to make things work with my husband (their father) then I’m done with love.

I try to take pride in other things about myself though, like the care I put into my home or the yummy food I make from scratch. And I adore my babies, no matter what I still have them and they are my reason for living.