OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 of 1- VV2022
- New member
Offline
Husband came out as transgender and we’re planning a pregnancy
A few days ago my husband told me he’s transgender.
we have been going through ivf and have finally had success and are planning to be pregnant within a couple months,
he has already presented to me a plan to start hormones and is unspecific as to how far he wants to go with his transition.
he has told me he wants to be androgynous femme and look like a butch lesbian. But how can I be sure that won’t change?
I have told him it’s not 100% a deal breaker, I identify as queer. But it’s the uncertainty that I don’t know if I can handle. Any type of transition is intense and I’m planning to be pregnant soon. It feels so selfish to me that he is considering beginning this process at the beginning of our pregnancy.
my life was pretty normal until 4 days ago. I have cried non stop, I’m out of tears now.
also, he has told me he is a lesbian and wants to stay with me. But the more I read on these forums, the less I feel I can believe anything he tells me.
I am envisioning being a single pregnant mother and moving out into a small apartment. It’s overwhelming but honestly I don’t know what’s a better option.
side note I’m turning 40 and this is basically my last chance to conceive a child.
Does anyone have experience with androgynous femme MTF? Any insights for me? I love my trans brothers and sisters but I just don’t know if I can stay married to someone who is changing so drastically.
- Daryl
- Member
Offline
Re: Husband came out as transgender and we’re planning a pregnancy
Just bumping this up for VV.
I have no background in the situation you find yourself in but I hope you are doing OK.
Just a few thoughts from me. You are right to wonder where this will stop. It also seems unfair that while you are dealing with pregnancy, he or she is focused on him/her-self? Others here have had their partner decide they are transgender. Many have reported living with a very self-centered agenda from their partner. If you do decide to hold your course, make sure you know where your line is. Make sure you have protection for your future child, both emotionally and financially. And, of course, if you go forward with the pregnancy, I hope it goes well and healthy for you and the child.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- MimiCat
- New member
Offline
Re: Husband came out as transgender and we’re planning a pregnancy
Hello VV,
My spouse came out as transgender a good few years into our relationship. (You can read our stories in the “Stories” section.)
They identify as non-binary and aim to present as androgynous. This has involved significant changes in hair, wardrobe, body hair etc. (as well as name and pronouns).
For me, I like their androgynous look, even though when we married, they looked classically male, and for a good chunk of our relationship had a full beard (which I really liked!).
it *was* very difficult to adjust to the changes, but I did, and I feel the same now about my spouse as I ever did (sexually, romantically, emotionally). This is despite the fact that I would consider myself heterosexual!
A huge part of this was us very carefully negotiating each step, and me being able to draw firm lines about what I was and wasn't okay with. Yes, sometimes we clashed over what my spouse wanted and what I wasn't okay with, and this was very frightening, but thankfully, my partner was very patient and fully willing to go at my pace. Setting things up so that there was a plan agreed and discussed TOGETHER was key. Otherwise, it quickly feels completely overwhelming/ impossible etc.
Another big thing was simply whether or not their desired look would also be one that *did it* for me. Luckily, it does. If, in principle, you think you could be attracted to your partner’s planned androgynous femme / butch look, then it’s worth keeping an open mind - and it helps to insist that things GO SLOW. (I needed a lot of time to adjust, one little step at a time.) Especially given that you have a new baby on the way that will need so much focus.
however, if you feel that the change just won’t ever fit with your sense of yourself and your relationship identity, then that might point to a different path.
I also totally relate to this fear of “how far will this go”. Initially, even my spouse wasn’t sure, and even now I sometimes get scared that they will want to try another step. But see above about agreeing steps and lines together. What I also hold in mind is that, at the start, even the thought of my spouse growing their hair totally overwhelmed me. I *never* imagined I’d be calmly talking with them about them trying hormone microdosing - but here we are!
in fact, here are all the things that used to totally freak me out, but that I'm now totally fine with:
my spouse wearing any women's clothes
my spouse wearing any makeup
my spouse changing their name
using the pronoun "they" for my spouse
my spouse going to a trans group
my spouse growing their hair
my spouse wearing skinny jeans
my spouse wearing pink socks
as I said, the key thing is going slowly. Jumping to hormones is already a massive step, so if your partner can put the brakes on a bit, and be willing to negotiate the plan *with* you, that might give you a better chance to process, assess and (potentially) adjust.
wishing you the best, in whatever shape that comes xx
Last edited by MimiCat (April 17, 2022 6:15 pm)