OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
- MimiCat
- New member
Offline
Re: Transgender
I learnt about my spouse’s transgender identity about 6 years into our relationship. Were there signs before? Not hugely! I always knew my partner had a strong “feminine side” (for example, they were gentle, tender, emotionally attuned, non-competitive etc.) and we spoke openly about that. They were not at all into DIY, sports, etc - which I liked! They identified as a feminist and were accepting of LGBTQ people etc. Otherwise, not really! At least, not that I was aware of.
later, I learned that they had always had a strong interest in women's clothing, generally chose female avatars in computer games and had previous worn / tried on women's clothes (dresses) as a teenager / young man.
initially, my spouse only spoke to me of their history of cross-dressing. As time went on and we explored things further, they identified as transgender. They now operate in the world as a non-binary person.
I think that anyone who is transgender (or gay) can start in a place where they don’t understand their *own* identity - and may instinctively reject labels when they are brought up, because they are struggling to confront this in themselves. He may also be terrified of your reaction, losing you etc. But the behaviours outlined above suggest that your partner does have a sense that his gender identity is something he needs to better understand (maybe sexuality too, though I’m not so sure it indicates this).
if it helps, my journey with my spouse was very difficult, but it has a happy ending. (You can find my story in the My Story section.) I’ll add that my spouse does not fit the pattern of autogynophelia, even though they came out aged 40. My spouse describes how they always had the sense of themselves as female / not-male - even since the age of four or five. They just had no way to express this part of themselves properly in the world until they came out and transitioned. Their experiences and motivations are not sexually driven (our sex life remains the same), but as a non-binary person, they can now authentically express all sides of themselves in the world - both their biology and history as male, as well as their strong feminine identity.
in the podcast series, there’s an episode about “men who sleep with men”.
It explores why some men in this position wouldn’t call themselves “gay”. You might want to listen as it might be relevant to your situation too. Specifically, they talk in the podcast about how the term “gay” can imply very particular things. Similarly, I think a term like “transgender” can have all kinds of associations that your partner may feel don’t fit him… even if he does relate to the sense of a gender identity that doesn’t align with his biological sex. That might be why your partner “insists” he isn’t trans.
in other words, there may be different ways to open up this conversation which might allow you to get clearer answers and no feel so “gaslighted” when his answers seem to contradict your eyes!
Last edited by MimiCat (April 17, 2022 6:25 pm)