Hi,
No one can make any decisions for you and I'm new here too but I wanted to let you know you are heard and I send strength to you while you figure this all out. Please don't take this as an insult if you have already thought of it but please do not have relations with him until you both check out for STIs (what we used to call STDs) for several months.  I'm the practical type so I'd also say start getting together all your financials just in case. Also, I want to say that while it's ok to feel he can have sex with other men and not be gay emotionally, does it really matter to you? Only you can decide that. You have been very kind to him, helping him dress and not minding him going out like that. Perhaps you live in a big city. If mine steps out the door xdressed, I will be packed and at a hotel with my cat on his credit card within 12 hrs. 
I get the controlling emotions thing. Today I was alone and started throwing things. I'm a pretty gentle spirit but it just had to come out. So I get it. Take care.

Paper Doll,
    I'm so sorry your husband dropped this nuclear bomb on you, and at this stage of your life.  (My ex did something similar af the age of 58, after 32 years of marriage.)  The initial shockwave is numbing, and the fallout keeps us shambling along, trying to cope, trying to keep our marriages together, and support our spouses while we ourselves are internally desperately trying to sort out ourselves.  It is especially difficult when this bomb drop occurs after a long marriage, when we have years invested in our spouses, our identity as wives, and in a shared future we have worked so hard to put into place.   You are not alone.

  Your first paragraph is a fair summary of what many of us with late-identifying trans husbands have experienced, and the way we have responded.  The suddenness of the announcement, the fast-forward process of moving from cross-dressing to full on trans declaration, the absorption in trans websites, the adoption of trans talking points, the feeling of entitlement to act out however they feel validates them in their new gender identity, regardless of the damage it does to us, and heedless that their actions cause us great distress.  There's a stunning entitlement and lack of empathy, even a cold rejection of our position and our pain. 

 I would bet dollars to donuts that your husband is lying to you when he says he did not enjoy his sexual encounter with the man.  No one, male or female, straight, gay or trans, continues to see a person for 18 months that they've had sexual contact if they didn't enjoy it.  He's been cheating on you with this man since October 2020.  (I recommend you pay a visit to chumplady.com)

  As to your husband having sex with another man: men who cross dress and present as if they were women  want validation for their "woman self"--that "her" you say he "can't imagine giving up"--and they seek that validation in various ways.  One way is by wanting to join their wives, or by coercing their wives into, participating in their fantasy they are women.  Your help in teaching him how to choose and wear clothing and makeup is one example of that.  For hm, that was a "two women doing women things" experience.  Another way some men seek validation of their woman self is by seeking attention from men; this, I venture to say, might be the source of your husband's affair with the other man.  Of course, some gay men do crossdress, but given what you say about your spouse joining a support group and "going out with the girls" I think it's more likely he's seeking validation for his woman persona.

  I would also caution you to take with a mountain of salt your husband's declaration he wishes to remain married.  It's more likely he wishes to have his cake (marriage) and eat it, too (crossdressing, exploring his new gender identity) than that he wishes to re-commit to you and to your marriage.  You provide him a safe harbor, services, and stability, in a time that is both exhilirating and frightening for him.  

 I don't know how much you have read about autogynephilia, but the vast majority of late-declaring trans-identified men are autogynephiles (men who are in love with themselves as women).  I've pasted in some resources, below.  

Academic and Professional:  

Michael Bailey, "The Man Who Would Be Queen."  It's available online and downloadable.  Bailey is a research psychologist at Northwestern Univ.  

Donna Chapman and Benjamin Caldwell: “Attachment Injury Resolution in Couples  When One Partner is Transgender”Journal of Systemic Therapies, Vol 31, No. 2, 2012, pp36-53(full text of article available online)
 
Anne Lawrence, "Men Trapped in Men's Bodies/Becoming What We Love."  Lawrence is a trans person and an MD, a psychologist who treated (now retired) trans identified males.  Lawrence maintains an online presence and there are articles there. 

http://www.annelawrence.com/autogynephilia_&_MtF_typology.html

 Autogynephilia: An Underappreciated Paraphilia Anne A. Lawrence Department of Psychology, University of Lethbridge, Lethbridge, Alta., Canada https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/3eb9/a449b840ef525436454c4f658b8d364d194f.pdf 

 Memoirs/Accounts by Wives Those who left:

 Christine Benvenuto: "Sex Changes."     A memoir

   “Naeferty”  (a pseudonym)  Naeferty ran a blog about her experiences with her own trans identified male partner.  Read the post "Gas Mark Six" and the comments. 

https://makemorenoisemanc.wixsite.com/mysite/post/a-plea-for-help-for-feminists-from-a-trans-widow 

“Transwidows Escape Committee” Mumsnethttps://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3668898-trans-widows-escape-committee-3-rise-of-the-trans-widows 

A podcast: How my ex-husband’s transition made me feelhttps://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p06xvbsc 

https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/our-voices

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 15, 2022 9:17 am)

Sorry, I meant to say that I wish you the best of luck.

How am I supposed to get through each day without raging and blowing up at him in texts?  I am journaling every day and reading alot about affairs and sometimes I even think that I'm (not) okay but at least settled.  He is contrite and takes full blame for the affair and fault out in trust.  That doesn't stop me from being hurt and angry and wanting to punish him.  A lot of the information I am reading says that it takes 2 years to fully deal with infidelity.  I can barely get through 2 hours!  

PaperDoll - I can relate.  I went through a similar experience/nightmare with my 60+ year old husband.  In the end, it was the lying and deceit that ended it just as much as the gay/cross-dressing personality.  You say that he had ED for years.  Mine did too.  His explanations didn't make sense and at the end I realized the truth - he was never sexually attracted to me, or any other woman, for that matter. 

Two years post-discovery, when we were at the break-up stage and I was at my angriest, I left for several weeks and stayed with relatives in another state to get my head together.  I would highly recommend.  It provides an opportunity to step back and rationally look at what is happening.

My ex love-bombed me for months, even after we divorced.  He's living with a guy now.  Go figure. 

I wish you the best as you sort your way through this.  You will get through.  You may be able to salvage your marriage, maybe not - good luck no matter what you decide to do.