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April 5, 2022 11:31 pm  #1

New Here...Our story so far


On the 4th February this year, I discovered that my partner of 2.5 years had downloaded the Grindr app, and had been conducting himself sexually with men on line.

As you will all understand, I was broadsided out of a comfortable, loving, existing, caring and ,what on the surface was a deeply trusting relationship, into utter turmoil.

My immediate thought and reaction was that he is gay, a thought that he completely denies to date.

I was fortunate, or unfortunate enough, not to have seen the contents of the messages he had sent to men, and so have no idea as to the depth he has explored his sexuality.

Initially, he claimed to be 100% straight, however after much probing, discussions and a stripping back of the lies he was telling himself, has conceded that this is not the case, and we both agree that this is not the case.

He claims he is neither gay nor bi, has not had sexual contact with a man (other than messaging on grindr) and has no desire to be in a relationship or have sex with a man, and claims this was a sexual fantasy that went too far as a result of feeling unloved in the relationship.

I am 47 and he is 50 and both came to this relationship later in life, with all our baggage from life bulging with negative experiences.

I have a string of abusive relationships behind me and after the last (in 2016) I engaged with therapy, worked on boundaries, my co dependent behaviour, childhood sexual abuse and the relationship I had with myself.

I had set boundaries to protect myself in a new relationship, and when we met I kept those boundaries in place, however it would now seem those boundaries have acted in a way which led him to feel unloved...(even when writing this that statement seems absurd.)

He on the other hand has not delt with the deeper issues brought on by his mother's alcoholism, an aggressive step father, childhood abuse, and time spent in the care system. This has led to him having 2 failed marriages behind him.

In the early days of our relationship I could see he was finding my boundaried approach difficult, he was used to being emotionally enmeshed with partners who were demanding of him, who needed emotionally held up and were accepting of his willingness to put them first over all of his needs, whereas I had no expectation of him to do these things for me.

So I can understand his confusion about the love I was offering him, it was not co dependant and offered him the freedom to think for himself and see to his own needs and wellbeing, and I can see how that may have led to him feeling unloved, for me it was about approaching a relationship from a place off mutual respect and acceptance. For him it was like i was coming to the relationship and not committing.

Anyway, a few weeks on, we have both engaged with therapists and things have calmed a lot.

I don't know what the way forward will bring, at the moment I am approaching it day at a time, some days are horrible, others not so much. I find myself being triggered from time to time and that is difficult to deal with, but I am being open and honest and living in the hope that he is too.

Will update here frequently 😊


So this week in therapy, my councillor expressed that she thought I was suffering from PTSD, I think she is most likely correct. I have been suffering from what very much feels like paranoia (something I didn't have before discovery) for example, the other day I was in the passenger side of his car and I noticed the height adjuster on the seatbelt had been moved all the way to the top (I am really small so I always have it in the lowest position) I immediately thought "he has had someone in the car!" Rather than trying to rationalise how that may have come to be I immediately started to think he had been having sex with men in his car, and dragged  all sorts of other things into the mix.

The reality of that was that I had driven the car earlier In the week, he had been in the passenger side and had adjusted the belt height.

I still need an answer for his behaviour in regard to Grindr, I have spoken to my therapist about being unable to bridge the gap from his feeling unloved in the relationship to him thinking that Grindr and sexual conduct with men online was somehow the answer or somehow a self soothing gesture.

I spoke to him about this following my therapy session, he has equated what he did to (bare with me) masturbating when stressed...he was stressed in the relationship and thought it was coming to an end (still don't understand how he got to this point either)  I understand that, however I still don't see why he would need to bring men into the mix, he explained that he thought it was less like cheating than if he had done it with a woman, and that was because it was less real 🤷I explained to him it was actually worse, because not only was he technically cheating he was threatening my confidence and self-esteam as a woman.

I have told him that I consider us to be in a mixed orientation relationship. I notice he gets anxious and unsettled anytime he notices I am on a forum, or if I am replying to posts or anything. I don't really know what that's about, if he is anticipating that I may be upset afterwards, who knows?

He still hasn't changed his view on where he is sexually (hetero)  and I think he is most likely irked by the fact that I am slapping a label on our relationship, however, for the moment I feel like I need to, this way I am not lying to myself and lulling myself into a false sense if security, and thinking there is nothing to be concerned about. I am being realistic about the high possibility that my partner is attracted to the idea of sex with men, and has acted upon this attraction in some way, and who my act on it again in the future to the cost of our relationship.

Last edited by Weemee (April 9, 2022 10:24 pm)


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