OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



April 5, 2022 12:40 pm  #1


Help

I am having a very difficult time and hoping to get some insight from others. My husband and I have been together for 20 years. There have been absolutely NO red flags. We had an amazing sex life until recently, when he started having erectile dysfunction that we suspected was due to some recent medical issues. (He has hypertension and has had 2 surgeries, including an epididectomy due to cysts in his testicles.) He can perform with me about 50% of the time when unmedicated and has no issues when using viagra. He has a history of porn use. (I'll note that it was always girl-on-girl.) This bothered me but wasn't a deal breaker. However, I recently discovered that he had a grindr account that he had been using (from what I could find on his Google account history) for about 3 months. This began during a mental health crisis on my part in which I was very distant, both emotionally and sexually. We were social distancing due to family health issues and covid so we were very isolated. He says he is not gay, but felt very lonely during this time and used grinder only to chat because he felt lonely. His reasoning is that chatting with men didn't feel like cheating as bad and he knew he wouldn't be tempted to take it further than just an online chat, as he might if he was talking to women. We decided to try to move past it and he has been amazing. He deleted the account, gives me all his passwords, not even any porn use that I have found since then. The problem for me now is that with this knowledge, I cant attribute his sexual problems to medical issues anymore. When he can't perform, I immediately think it's because he'd rather be with a man and get very emotional. We both avoid sex now and our relationship is suffering. I don't know how to move past it and I'm having a hard time believing he is not at least bi and questioning if he is still attracted to me. I don't know what to do.

Last edited by Harlow (April 5, 2022 7:41 pm)

 

April 5, 2022 3:23 pm  #2


Re: Help

Harlow wrote:

......... He says he is not gay, but felt very lonely during this time and used grinder only to chat because he felt lonely. His reasoning is that chatting with men didn't feel like cheating ........

Welcome to the Forum Harlow  
You wouldn't believe how many of us have heard the "I didn't think it was cheating because it was a guy" 

You will get help, advice and empathy here. Pinned to the top of the General Discussion board there's a thread titled "First Aid Kit...How to Survive" Have a read...there is much wisdom on the Forum

Elle

 


KIA KAHA                       
 

April 5, 2022 4:06 pm  #3


Re: Help

Thanks. Yeah it's definitely cheating as far as I'm concerned. Actually I think it's worse because it makes me question who he is and our entire relationship.  It's not like it's just a one time mistake we can move past, like if he cheated with a woman. I actually told him I'd rather him have slept with a woman than just chatted with men.

     Thread Starter
 

April 5, 2022 10:40 pm  #4


Re: Help

Harlow wrote:

Thanks. Yeah it's definitely cheating as far as I'm concerned. Actually I think it's worse because it makes me question who he is and our entire relationship.  It's not like it's just a one time mistake we can move past, like if he cheated with a woman. I actually told him I'd rather him have slept with a woman than just chatted with men.

 
This may be a secret he's kept for years, even before he met you.
This will be a time for you to learn and read and discover who you are and what you want in your life.

I hope you have a good friend or family member (or counselor) you can talk to who will keep your confidence while t you sorry through the confusion of this

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum