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1 - Can’t_make_this_up
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SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES
My life has been hell since 8/15/21 when my 60 year old husband of 33 years went in to the laundry room with a 23 year old man (who supposedly was a good friend of my daughter and her fiancé) to engage in various sex acts. This is the very high level situation. Many, many layers are involved which make it even worse than it sounds. One of those layers was finding out the financial devastation caused by my STBGX’s mismanagement of finances. And for the privilege of being married to him in the great state of Ohio, I get to pay him nearly half my salary in spousal support (he is in disability and refuses to do anything to improve or to work).
Again, that’s the high level. I stayed with friends while that option existed and finally got a little apartment in February hoping that once divorce is final I can get a second job to try to make ends meet. My job is a full- time professional job with a good income- but not good enough. It probably goes without saying that I wasn’t at the peak of my career productivity during the initial 6 months, but I held it together. I stopped working 7 days a week and went down to a normal 5. I am salaried so no overtime.
I thought I had hit rock bottom. I was wrong.
Yesterday I was given a bulls@*t ‘performance plan’ at work which basically told me I was being fired in 30 days. It was based on lies, and they refused to give me any goals to work towards to stay employed. It was done this way so that I can’t get unemployment once they fire me without a fight and long running appeals and no guarantee. Evil.
I must say that personally I despise when people espouse canned wisdom such as ‘everything is going to work out’ and ‘you’ll be better off’ and ‘everything happens for a reason’. That’s all bullshit. If one more person tells me I will be better off for losing my job because I wasn’t happy with it I am going to go ‘ape-shit’ on them. Really people? Is it going to be better to lose an apartment I just got in to, be homeless, have no insurance to buy medicine, no money to help my daughter with her wedding, and to have to explain in interviews why I don’t have a job? And if I eventually get an offer have to ask them to overlook the fact that my credit rating is in the toilet and that I don’t have a steady home address?
I know this doesn’t apply to the people on here because you all know how tough things are. But my God if one more person whose life is going smoothly tells me I am going to come out better on the other side of this, I won’t have to worry about where to live because I am going to be in jail for going on a public tirade! (Just kidding by the way - I am not at all a violent person - just letting off steam.)
Please tell me do any of you get annoyed AF by these types of expressions? All they do is make the person saying them feel better by believing that horse shit.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES
Can’t_make_this_up wrote:
......
Please tell me do any of you get annoyed AF by these types of expressions? All they do is make the person saying them feel better by believing that horse shit.
I'm 63.... And I've learned to be smarter than the words said, often by people who don't know me
That's it. I can let the words and phrases people say get to me... Or I can work on how I react to them
"Never let anybody who hasn't walked in your shoes... Tell you how to tie your shoelaces"
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Rob
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Re: SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES
Can't,
Nope not going to tell you it's all roses getting away from TGT.
My work was not that good when going through my divorce and I was lucky to have an understanding boss at the time.
What amazed me was my GX and the lawyers all looking at me like a bank to to be plundered while at the same time traumatizing me with rage and stress..they all wanted the money from my job but were jeopardizing it at the same time with impunity.
Yes there is evil ..not just our wonderful gay spouses but others as well as you can see.
A prayer for you. Hope you find work and shelter.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- LMM
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Re: SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES
I’ve come to see the terrible effects of these platitudes for a few years now. When my little boy was barely alive in the ICU at ages 4,5,6 and church friends gave me big hugs with smiles and said it’s all making us a stronger family. When my husband got incurable cancer and they removed his lung in April 2020, I was devastated to be in the parking lot and have no visitors in my home. No one could babysit my kids or hug us or anything because Covid had just hit, and we all had to stay heavily isolated. People listened to my despair at how awful it was to have this sudden cancer and surgery without anyone coming near us, and they said it must be easier this way to be home with my kids and not in the cold hospital room.
There’s a fabulous book for this if you get enough brain space to read again someday! Everything Happens by Kate Bowler. Her books and podcast are my lifeline during this awful time. My husband came out to me a couple months ago and moved out 2 days ago. I love being reminded that it’s not a wonderful plan for a better life. It’s awful and shouldn’t ever happen to us. But here we are and we can move on.
- Gloria
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Re: SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES
Elle, I am happy to hear that you have developed a thicker skin. Never, ever, let anyone tell you what to do. If you want to live with a gay man, it is your business. I wish you at the best and hope that one day you will be happier.
- walkbymyself
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Re: SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES
The one I hate is when they gush about how "resilient" I am.
To be clear: I don't know anybody's definition of "resilience" but I was absolutely destroyed by this experience. I find it trivializing, when people say things like that.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES
The one I hate is when they gush about how "resilient" I am.
To be clear: I don't know anybody's definition of "resilience" but I was absolutely destroyed by this experience. I find it trivializing, when people say things like that.
If it was a person you respected....who told you how resilient you are.....would you still see it as trivialising Walk?
Nobody has told me I'm resilient...I'm offended! LOL but this topic has made me think of how *I* tell my son exactly the same thing, about how resilient he is being homeless and having the challenge of depression. But the difference is that my conversations with him aren't a one-time thing so he actually knows I mean it.
I think it's up to us to never let the off-hand, shallow comments said by people who don't know...can never know! our pain be a detriment to our journeys.
If anybody ever does call me resilient I'll make a point to make a conversation out of it and actually explain and desribe how draining that resilience is
Elle
KIA KAHA
- walkbymyself
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Re: SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES
Elle, it's usually someone who hardly knows me at all. I guess I'm very sensitive about this because I worked so hard just to survive ... and it really took a lot from me. I feel so broken now.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES
Elle, it's usually someone who hardly knows me at all. I guess I'm very sensitive about this because I worked so hard just to survive ... and it really took a lot from me. I feel so broken now.
Yep I know that empty, broken feeling.
As a defense mechanism I've learned to switch off, smile thinly and not say a word when it's somebody who doesn't know me. It often takes more energy than I think I have but I'm constantly amazed at the strength of our resilience and our ability to not let this define us.
I can say that because I'm one of us 
*hugs you* Elle
KIA KAHA
- Can’t_make_this_up
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Re: SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES
I’ve come to see the terrible effects of these platitudes for a few years now. When my little boy was barely alive in the ICU at ages 4,5,6 and church friends gave me big hugs with smiles and said it’s all making us a stronger family. When my husband got incurable cancer and they removed his lung in April 2020, I was devastated to be in the parking lot and have no visitors in my home. No one could babysit my kids or hug us or anything because Covid had just hit, and we all had to stay heavily isolated. People listened to my despair at how awful it was to have this sudden cancer and surgery without anyone coming near us, and they said it must be easier this way to be home with my kids and not in the cold hospital room.
There’s a fabulous book for this if you get enough brain space to read again someday! Everything Happens by Kate Bowler. Her books and podcast are my lifeline during this awful time. My husband came out to me a couple months ago and moved out 2 days ago. I love being reminded that it’s not a wonderful plan for a better life. It’s awful and shouldn’t ever happen to us. But here we are and we can move on.
Dear LMM-
Your story makes my heart ache for you. Please know that there is someone out here that absolutely understand that :
(1) it’s not always ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’. Sometimes it’s actually ‘what doesn’t kill you wears you down to the point of barely functioning, making you fight every damn day just to keep moving.’
(2) there is absolutely NO UPSIDE to a child being sick. I truly wish I could get 5 minutes with whomever even hinted at that to you so I could tell them how despicable that was. Your pain is your pain. And if you aren’t allowed to face that pain head on and accept that it sucks, there is nothing good about, and it’s not going to make you a better person, then how the hell are you ever going to be able to deal with it? People who refuse to accept that bad things happen are going to end up ticking time bombs someday from burying true feelings. I am sorry to be ranting here but I am so livid on your behalf.
(3) everything DOES NOT happen for a reason. I defy anyone to come up with ANY reason, even ridiculous, that atrocities happen every day. For example, let’s hear someone come up with a ‘good for the universe’ reason that pedophiles assault little children. They can’t because there isn’t a reason in the sense that people who espouse that phrase mean. Nothing good. Period.
(4) this is going to be very controversial. I have to be honest and say that lately I am having doubts about the existence of god. I personally have no interest in organized religion, but have always believed in ‘god’ and the ‘devil’ (being the evil in the world.). But my belief (if I still have it) in God is way different than most believers. I do not believe that ‘god has a plan’. And I am so sorry to those who find it comforting, but prayer - in the traditional sense - is not answered. Take again the fact of little children who suffer horrible, painful illnesses and die every day. Would that really happen if you could pray to god for a favor and have it granted? No. My idea of god is not one of a being who chooses to make one person suffer and another live a charmed life. I don’t think ‘he’ is sitting there listening to prayers and saying, hmm, whose do we want to answer today, and who should we leave in the dust? The only type of ‘prayer’ I myself engage in is simply saying out loud the things I have to be thankful for.
All this being said, I am very much a ‘whatever gets you through the day’ type of person (as long as it doesn’t hurt someone else of course.). I know wonderful people with strong faith in their religion and it gives them peace. Personally I adhere to the faith of ‘do unto others’. And sadly what this comes back to us neither my husband or yours practiced that.
IT SUCKS. IT IS DEVASTATING. ITS EFFECTS WILL ALWAYS BE WITH US TO SOME DEGREE. ITS DAMAGING. ITS SELFISH ON HIS PART. And you know what - you have the right to feel all of that. The only way through for us as parents is to face that, get some damn good counseling for a long time if we can afford, and learn how to accept that bad things happen to good people all the time .
Wow I really got on a soapbox. I am tucking this subject away for my future blog (plan to write after my divorce is final- don’t expect any followers. It’s just cathartic.).
Take care - and remember the reason to keep going is your kids.
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