Ana,
The gay thing was shocking to me...the lies and betrayal double shocking..   I remember sitting there..all the blood drained from my face...it was like getting hit by a bus. 
Knowing my then wife I thought how fitting of her to have an affair and make it a gay affair so that it's twice as demeaning and irrevocable..   talk about remorseless and no empathy or compassion. 

Please know this is not your fault...if I was unhappy with my then wife I didn't go out and have a gay affair.  I had integrity and respect for her. I made promises which I meant.

So your in shock and the main thing to do is give yourself compassion and time to deal with it..start building YOUR support system.. dont try to go it alone.
Discretely build your support system...Don't dare feel guilty for being discrete about it...our spouses chose to lie and keep secrets.  Our kids need a strong adult that puts them first.  Gather strength and do what is right.  Small steps. 


A sincere ehug  (virtual but authentic)

I have doubts but all people here had prove like email, phones calls etc, or he or she admitted, in my case is all just in my mine and fears, he laugh  when I asked and said I'm becoming crazy as getting old.  how I can find out because really sometimes I put toghether some situations and after I really believe I'm becoming crazy, its killing me day by day , I'm in separate room since august
 

I'm sorry this is happening to you.  My situation seems similar to yours... We were married 7 years, with a 4 year-old son when I found emails to men on Craigslist.  Though our sex life was lacking, but he seemed to be the one who always wanted it and I was the limiting factor.  Before we got married, he had told me about a gay porn habit, that was "no longer a problem" for him, which had developed because of some mild childhood trauma.  I drug out of him that he might be slightly attracted to the thought of men, but that he would never ever ever want to make it a reality.  I honestly thought it was cool of him to be so open and honest and wasn't worried one bit about his attraction to me.  I even told him that I didn't care if he watched gay porn on occasion as long as he was always honest with me.  I told him that it only worried me if it worried him.   After we got married, I'd find gay porn on a pretty regular basis, plus some dildos and other mysterious sex toys that he said he had bought for me.  I pressed him harder and got a bunch of excuses that you'll find on this forum are common:

"All guys are curious about gay sex/watch gay porn"
"I watch straight porn too"
"It's just a compulsion I have because of childhood molestation"
"I just like the way anal stimulation feels"

Then he joined the military against my wishes and I couldn't help but think it was to avoid his family obligations and play army with a bunch of men.  While he was gone, I cheated twice, confessed immediately twice, and the night of the second confession he left for a hotel and accidentally answered some M4M adds from my email instead of his.  The next round of excuses:

"I was drunk"
"I didn't go through with it"
"I would never want to have sex with a guy in real life" 

Since we were on the outs, I told him to go figure it out and, boy, did he.  He slept with about a dozen random dudes over the next month and told me all about it.  This was my big strong Christian husband teaching me what a "otters" vs. "daddies" were and that he thought he was a bottom.  I think he felt comfortable telling me this stuff because I acted OK with it and he thought the blame for the end of our marriage was securely on my shoulders.  As an act of masochism, I agreed to have a threesome with him because I think I just needed to see it for myself.  It was not pretty and I regret it deeply.  We decided to to physically separate and I allowed our families to think it was because I cheated, all the while he was sleeping with a ton bunch of guys.  Three months later, I decided it was time to file for divorce because I no longer believed I could trust him.  Then he decided he wanted us to stay together and the final round of BS started, most of which he had cobbled together from sympathetic therapists:

"It's just a physical, not romantic"
"I struggle with same sex attraction, but it's not an identity need"
"I was acting out due to childhood trauma"

I finally told my parents what I was dealing with, just in time for him to decide he wasn't gay or even bi and that he wanted desperately to be with women in general and me in particular.  He's still punishing me for "tearing his family apart".  Now he's dating a woman and it's all I can do to not grab her by the shoulders and scream, "he's gay!" in her face.

When I first joined this forum, I sounded a lot like you.  I told everyone that our sex life had been fine and that I didn't think he had cheated on me before then... that I believed that he was telling the truth when he said he loved and was attracted to me.  I was so confused and read a ton about it all.  It took me along time to unravel our past and realize that everything pointed to him being a deeply closeted and troubled man.  I had always felt like something wasn't quite right.  I could go on about all the pieces of the puzzle, but the point is that it takes a while to see things clearly when you're in the middle of it.  I wish I had taken better care of myself while I was figuring it all out, so that's my advice to you.  Distance and protect yourself from him while you deal with all of this.  I know you love him, but he's proven untrustworthy and you need to remember that every time you feel the urge to open yourself up to him.  Take care of yourself and take your time.

Last edited by megleigh (October 22, 2016 11:32 am)

jkpeace,

Couldn't help but laugh at your description of the pain, "being hit by a truck in a revolving door". If you don't mind me asking, how long has it been since your discovery? I'm going on three and a half years, thinking I could fix him. It's only been one month since distancing myself from him and even though I miss him, every time I read the posts in this forum it makes me feel a little bit stronger.