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1 of 1- Guy
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not sure where to go
Probably a similar refrain. Wife of 15 years, two grade-school children. She's now bisexual.
More precisely, now I am allowed to know. She has been bisexual in theory since before we met. Except, (1) the only one she ever told was a then ex-boyfriend while we were dating, and (2) has never had a relationship with a woman.
The pandemic has inspired her to be her true and authentic self. And, as in the other experiences on this forum describe, that true and authentic self has been paid for at the cost of the trust in our marriage and family. I guess that is the second thing I get to pay off after paying off her student loan debt.
But I'm told she's truly bisexual! We have talked about working through this and remaining married and monogamous. Yes, I very much believe in a clear-eyed way that she's been monogamous - not because I trust her words as truth, but because she would have far too much anxiety about an affair.
The problems are many: (1) not trusting this is the end, i.e. lesbian remaining in denial, (2) I am obviously an obstacle in her mission for this quest towards an "authentic self", and (3) I am feeling very much like an obligation that is tolerated.
For the last part, she cited family pressure in not being able to come out. If somehow a liberal and not terribly religious family with both gay and trans family friends was oppressive, this family tends towards long and (on the surface) stable marriages, so I can only imagine the pressure to stay together. Given the financial security I provide, and my general not-jerk behavior, my presence is tolerated.
Where am I going from here? I'm not sure. Some days are better than others. Today maintaining the status quo feels like crap. She wants to go to therapy, but to someone who has LBTQ experience. I'd rather not pay for sessions where yet another person is applauding her bravery.
Last edited by Guy (March 12, 2022 8:14 am)
- Gloria
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Re: not sure where to go
I am so sorry that this happened and is happening to you. Please know that I will hold a good thought for you.
- LMM
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Re: not sure where to go
Guy, I can relate in many ways. It’s so hard when the truth comes out and you don’t know what to expect. I also believe very much that my husband hasn’t had an affair, despite the loud protests here. I got STI tests from our doctor, and opened up to her about everything. She’s known me for years and helped me take inventory of risks. I also talked a lot with my therapist who’s seen tons of infidelity. Our evangelical background kept us very much in line and afraid to sin. He’s far too afraid of demons tormenting him for lesser things than an affair! Doing that would be unthinkable. But it’s that same system that allowed me to be emotionally starved and rejected in so-called normal behavior.
I hope you keep coming here and taking care of yourself. It’s hard having kids and going through this! I have 5, ages 5-16. Sometimes it’s helpful to have kids playing board games and I love reading stories to them. It helps me stay sane. But sometimes I resent having little space or down time to process my feelings.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: not sure where to go
You don't need for her to act on her bisexuality--to have an affair or ask for an open marriage--for you to decide that her announcement and the state of things in your marriage is unacceptable and that you want to divorce. To be seen as an obstacle to her happiness and to being her "authentic" self certainly doesn't leave you much room to operate in a way that can give you what you want from a marriage! Given that you want to be married to a heterosexual woman, and she has declared she isn't one, with the result that her announcement has allowed to surface other resentments (your paying off her student load debt, for example, which you did under the impression you had one sort of relationship but in light of her announcement feels like you have been duped and lied to and used) the logical conclusion here is to end the marriage.
It's never easy to divorce, and especially not with small children, but sometimes it's the healthiest thing for all concerned.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 12, 2022 10:34 am)
- Daryl
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Re: not sure where to go
Guy, I think every marriage requires commitment. Does she have it? When you married, you did not lose your attraction towards other women. You decided they were off limits. Can your spouse do similarly?
Sexuality does not define behaviour, and I do not believe that bi-sexuals are incapable of commitment to a single partner. That's more of a moral core thing. You might also be understandably concerned about her feeling like she is in a cage. She will have to decide that.
Good luck. I hope you both find yourselves rowing in the same direction.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Guy
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Re: not sure where to go
Thanks for the responses.
Strictly speaking, I have no red-line issue with a straight/bi mixed orientation marriage. I consider myself an ally of the LGBTQ+ community.
If the revelation was more one of a winding path before we met and she subsequently decided to make a commitment to me but still finds some women attractive, I think I would have processed this over the past 6-12 months very differently. I mean, I find women attractive too. Would give us another thing to talk about!
The trust issues now come from the way in which it unfolded and was handled: my regular and year-long curiosity about what I was noticing, regular gaslighting by her that something I was doing was the issue, and then the eventual revelation that it was her, not me.
Daryl, thanks for asking questions about commitment. I share your perspective. I have full confidence my wife is and would be committed. I have intentionally challenged this confidence to ensure this is not just wishful thinking. I have full confidence.
But commitment to what end? For the sake of it? So that I can be an anchor for someone? So that her pride paraphernalia can be a constant reminder of the difficult road we have to regain trust?
It continues. Thanks again for the responses.
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: not sure where to go
Guy,
Many of us considered--and consider--ourselves allies.
I also think that with many of us, the wrench of finding out our spouses are not straight is compounded by exactly the particularly selfish and blame-shifting behavior you describe. In your case, married to a bisexual, it's not the revelation of the bisexuality itself so much as that blame-shifting behavior. It's what you call "the trust issue." You can't pull together in a marriage if one person has cast the other as an impediment or is dishonest and hiding. I imagine it will be important for you to decide whether your wife is capable of moving past her earlier "gaslighting" in order to work from a shared commitment.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: not sure where to go
Guy wrote:
........But commitment to what end? For the sake of it? So that I can be an anchor for someone? So that her pride paraphernalia can be a constant reminder of the difficult road we have to regain trust? ......
And will you ever regain trust? If she kept a secret once...can she/would she keep another?
I tend not to comment in straight/lesbian threads because the emotions and content in them is, to me, different to mine which is straight/gay. But when we talk about trust, or rather the lack of it, it can touch us all, hurt us all, keep us all prisoners when commitment battles with a need to be free.
My bisexual partner's apparent commitment to us* means he is the anchor while keeping his bisexuality stuffed down (which equals resentment)....as I fight my distrust and expectation he'll keep secrets from me (which also equals resentment)
We are between a rock and a hard place you and I 
Edit to say....why did I put a smiley face at the end when I really mean !@#$%^
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (March 13, 2022 1:51 pm)
KIA KAHA
- lily
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Re: not sure where to go
Firstly I have to say I don't see why people say oh s/he's bisexual so that's fine. No it isn't. Are you secretly lusting after a man?, or are you happy to commit to your wife. It's not just the loss of trust, the deceit, it's the inequality of attraction. You desire her, she tolerates you - there are no words - ouch doesn't quite cover how painful that is.
secondly loss of trust is huge. and she can never fix that - she can't ever really commit to you. at best she can only perform as if she is committed to you.
I do not believe she has been monogamous - "my regular and year-long curiosity about what I was noticing, regular gaslighting by her"
Thirdly, you are being played my friend. One little love bomb and you will stick to her like glue. it's only natural, we all do it - that's why trust matters so much.