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- walkbymyself
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Re: Guilt over posturing
HopelessRomantic wrote:
Nonetheless, I feel like prepping for the possibility of divorce is a bit like giving up.
I can't even begin to tell you how many of us could have written this.
But ... not prepping for the possibility of divorce (when there's a very real possibility on the horizon) is not the solution. Just baby steps -- find some basic way to get started -- remember, your remaining vulnerable isn't a sign of confidence in your marriage. It puts your own children at risk. They are the ones who need at least one strong, healthy parent.
- HopelessRomantic
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Re: Guilt over posturing
I think you said your husband has borderline personality disorder..
I did, though I’m not sure he’s ever actually been diagnosed. He told me he had BPD when we were very young and our relationship was very new. I had never heard of it before then, but when he described it it seemed to make sense. I remember he saw some sort of professional briefly, but I think that was for depression? I was a teenager, I didn’t ask a lot of questions... I just remember that they put him on medication that he hated and so he stopped taking it and never went back.
I *thought* he was getting better at managing it, at least the anger and the outbursts... but, I learned awhile back that the reason it seemed that way was because he was lashing out in other ways after me and the children were asleep. Specifically, he had apparently taken up alcoholism for the duration of my pregnancy (he has since stopped drinking and switched to weed) and was engaging in self-harm (things like punching concrete and hitting his head on things) again... which I hadn’t seen him do in years. So, two steps forward and one step back.
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Thread Starter- HopelessRomantic
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Re: Guilt over posturing
Elle,
I’m desperately hoping it never comes to a point where we have to just end it. Despite our flaws we still generally make a good team, and our oldest son absolutely adores him. I can’t stand the idea of my boys not having their father under the same roof... and I’m a little afraid that if he ever loses me then he’ll go off the deep end in one way or another.
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Thread Starter- MJM017
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Re: Guilt over posturing
HR,
It's probably best to visit a psychiatrist for a diagnosis. In my opinion, your h doesn't sound like he has this. It's like being a little bit pregnant.
It's good to take care of things as you see fit with his depression and desire to transition.
Try to get support from your parents and other friends and family who know the both of you. I think one of your parents did offer it to you. (Good for them!)
What about his parents and the rest of his family? What do they think? Can they do something to help you and the kids? I hope so.
Take care.
Last edited by MJM017 (March 8, 2022 7:37 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- HopelessRomantic
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Re: Guilt over posturing
MJ,
I don’t know enough about it so I couldn’t really say, he definitely has something wrong but getting him to see any sort of doctor for it isn’t going to happen (I can’t force him to go if he doesn’t want to).
Our support network is a bit patchy. We don’t have friends, his family is out of state, and mine is... well, let’s put it this way: My parents are usually the ones coming to me for support and advice, not the other way around. I did vent to my dad, because he’s more traditional like I am so he could understand why I’m upset. But I’d be very wary of leaning on him or anyone else in my family too much.
As for helping with kids, my parents are young. They both have new families with school aged children and full-time jobs. They can’t offer much help there. That’s why I’m looking into making money online. Probably blogging.
Baby steps
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Thread Starter- Abby
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Re: Guilt over posturing
Don't think of this as preparing for divorce: think of it as preparing for the possibility of him not being able to be he primary breadwinner. If he has a condition which he is not being treated for and which he self-medicates for, there may come a time when his symptoms worsen and he is not longer able to function in a work setting. That may force him to get treatment but it will also upend family finances and force you into the job market.
When you feel sufficiently recovered from your pregnancy look into community college offerings in your area. If you can get training enough for an entry-level position some employers will pay for you to take courses to advance in their field.
Everyone wants to make money blogging but supporting yourself at it is elusive. It will be healthier for you to get out and meet real people and not be isolated.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- HopelessRomantic
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Re: Guilt over posturing
Everyone wants to make money blogging but supporting yourself at it is elusive. It will be healthier for you to get out and meet real people and not be isolated.
If I want to make earn money while my kids are still little, I don’t really have the luxury of doing something out of the house. Daycare for babies/toddlers is super expensive, and our schools are garbage. I’m homeschooling, it’s a huge priority for both myself and my husband, and not one we’ll neglect unless we have literally no other option. So working out of the home is out of the question for now.
I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket. I refinish furniture, and have made money doing so in the past... But I can’t do that again until I’m done breastfeeding, and I need to find something I can start now. I’ve also dabbled in toymaking and could potentially earn an income on Etsy that way. With anything entrepreneurial it takes time and patience to make money, but in my case trying is definitely worth a shot.
I agree that the isolation isn’t exactly healthy. I’m a very social person so I’ve been going a little stir crazy... but that’s a separate issue and not high on my priority list right now. 1-care for kids, 2-rest and heal, 3-care for home, 4-find income, 5-everything else.
We can only play with the cards we’ve been dealt.
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Thread Starter- walkbymyself
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Re: Guilt over posturing
FYI, at a minimum you might need to talk to a professional about how to handle BPD. It doesn't just go away. And, it's not at all unusual for untreated BPD sufferers to self-medicate with alcohol. I know it's off-topic here, but my husband's best friend had serious alcohol issues that were masking his BPD.
I don't mean to be alarmist, but please speak with your doctor or someone you trust about this issue. It's a big red flag here.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Guilt over posturing
Elle,..I’m desperately hoping it never comes to a point where we have to just end it. Despite our flaws we still generally make a good team,
Yeah...we make an awesome team too ( apart from the elephant in the room ) but we made even more of a spectacularly perfect team when I didn't know how much his secret bisexual fantasies and desires would impact my life and empty it of much of what made it good.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...your husband will always be bisexual, and you can't do anything to change that. While my partner appeared to back away, listen to my concerns, agree to not see anybody, throw out all his sexual toys, delete his profiles on Craigslist etc......I know he still looks at 'sites' and I've decided I know longer want to be suspicious, check his phone, angst over it and since we are no longer intimate...it is easier to not care.
This is how fucked up my life is....I'm with a man I am no longer in love with, but stay because life/the world has changed so much that leaving will mean I lose the options that staying affords me.
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (March 9, 2022 2:40 pm)
KIA KAHA
- HopelessRomantic
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Re: Guilt over posturing
Walkbymyself,
I will definitely keep that in mind, not exactly sure who I’d talk to about that but I’ll add it to my list.
And Elle,
I’m sending you hugs.. Infidelity is so hard to heal from. I’m so sorry you’re going through that.
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Thread Starter