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March 6, 2022 7:48 pm  #1


Can anyone help me figure out if these are red flags?

My significant other of 2 years recently ended our relationship out of the blue...well I suppose not so out of the blue.  He would frequently bail on our plans and even tried ending our relationship a few months prior, although we talked things through and things got better.  On the times we did see each other (lived separately, unmarried), we always had sex and it was very passionate.  He was romantic and always made me feel very loved.  We shared a beautiful connection.  I guess my red flags would be 
- his frequent cancelling of plans. This stemmed from him being depressed for most of the year. I really don't know the cause of his depression, nor would he really want to ever tell me exactly what was going on.  He always assured me it had nothing to do with me or our relationship, but rather he just had a lot of unresolved issues from his past and had very low self-esteem.  
- we had sex frequently, but he never would finish from penetrative sex (neither would I). He initiated most of the time, and would get hard just from kissing me. However, he could never finish inside of me and always needed me to finish him off with a hand job or oral.  He ALWAYS finished me off before I finished him, either from oral or touching. He seemed interested in doing so. I don't know if I'm overthinking this one or if straight guys may actually prefer this. 

These 2 things (prolonged and unexplained depression and the lack of finishing from PIV sex) leads me to question that maybe this is why he ended things so suddenly between us. Any insight would be greatly appreciated!

Last edited by carnation2976 (March 6, 2022 7:50 pm)

 

March 6, 2022 8:23 pm  #2


Re: Can anyone help me figure out if these are red flags?

Hi carnation,

Am sorry this happened. It's not you at all.

He doesn't sound ready for a relationship if he's cancelling plans. It does sound weird that he isn't interested in intercourse. It could be that he's not straight or he is deeply depressed.

It hurts, I know. But you're better off with a guy who shows up and desires you sexually. 

Best of luck to you.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

March 6, 2022 8:40 pm  #3


Re: Can anyone help me figure out if these are red flags?

MJM017 wrote:

Hi carnation,

Am sorry this happened. It's not you at all.

He doesn't sound ready for a relationship if he's cancelling plans. It does sound weird that he isn't interested in intercourse. It could be that he's not straight or he is deeply depressed.

It hurts, I know. But you're better off with a guy who shows up and desires you sexually.

Best of luck to you.

Thanks for the reply.  That's the thing, I still always felt sexually desired. I never thought of it as he wasn't interested in me. It was still very passionate. And again, he was usually the one to initiate so it doesn't quite make sense.  Thank you again for your insight.
 

Last edited by carnation2976 (March 6, 2022 8:41 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

March 6, 2022 11:42 pm  #4


Re: Can anyone help me figure out if these are red flags?

Whatever his orientation, he doesn't sound like what you desire in a partner.  There's a lot of booty-callers, FWBers and general commitment-phobes out there. Don't settle for that if you want more. 

I hope you find someone more aligned with your relationship aspirations.

 

March 7, 2022 3:59 pm  #5


Re: Can anyone help me figure out if these are red flags?

Hi carnation,

I just read through all of your posts so far and your situation sounds almost exactly like mine in several aspects. My husband also prefers oral/hand jobs instead of sex and deals with depression as well. I have never experienced anything quite like this in other relationships and it really makes you question everything. And yet, like you, I still feel very sexually desired and loved, so it is beyond confusing. I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this too.

A few things I'd like to ask-
Were there other subtle red flags besides the sex issue?
Do any of his behaviors (mannerisms, effeminate body language, etc.) indicate that he might not be straight? I only ask this because I feel like sometimes these little things can help paint a better picture. I personally feel like I have a million little flags such as these, which I believe contributes to our instincts that there is something off.
When did you first start to question?
What have his previous relationships been like- do you sense other women might have struggled with this aspect of your partner too?
No need to answer everything if you don't wish to- these are just a few things I think stand out in regards to his sexuality.

I also want to mention that I truly believe some men can be bisexual and that doesn't make them entirely gay. Your ex was CLEARLY attracted to you, there is no doubt about that. It's the unconventional behavior in your sex life and his other personal issues that have you questioning things, because to you, they just don't seem to add up. There is a chance that he's not entirely straight, but from what you've shared, I honestly can't tell. I don't even know if I would use the label "bisexual" for my husband, he is certainly not gay, and YET- I just feel like he is not totally straight, and it's a very strong feeling I've had for a long time. Maybe you can relate to that too.

This man clearly has many unresolved issues that have nothing to do with you. He's most likely always been this way, no matter who he is with. I know how much it hurts to not have answers, and to seek the clarity and peace you're searching for. Reading through this forum can be a big help, please know that you are not alone and your feelings and questions about your relationship are entirely valid.
 

 

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