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- Rob
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Re: My wife recently came out as bi
So sorry. My GX used that "just friends" excuse all the time ..especially when staying out until 2am.
It was a sick psychological game that amused her...showing up to kids events with her "friend". Hurtful and evil it was.
The anxiety you feel is real..is she meeting any friend ..male, female, alien, for a drink or is it a date? Are they going shopping or having sex?
I can say absolutely I did not inflict that kind of worry and anxiety on my GX.
One shouldn't have to wonder about what their spouse is doing. Marriage should come with fierce loyalty and trust. else what is purpose of the marriage.
Wishing you strength and fortitude.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- lily
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Re: My wife recently came out as bi
CM, reading your posts, the words that jump out at me and have me responding to you are 'controlling and needy' - you are being gaslighted by your wife.
You know what they say about airline crashes - put your oxygen mask on first before trying to help your children. That's what I want to say to you - of course you don't want to be divorced, of course you don't want to recognise you are being played and of course you don't want to see that your wife doesn't love you like you love her. But how can you stand by your children if you can't stand up?
My ex made me feel like that - that I was needy because I wanted affection from him. With hindsight I can see controlling meant saying something that ran counter with what he wanted to do.
Nothing about your posts indicate you are controlling or needy - more that you are in a similar position to the one I was in - a caring individual who has systematically been beaten down til you don't believe in yourself any more.
wishing you the best of luck, Lily
- CM2022
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Re: My wife recently came out as bi
Thank you Lily.
My wife revealed today that she hasn’t been honest with me completely about her feelings for this other woman.
At this point this has nothing to do with sexuality and everything to do with fidelity.
I love her so deeply and honestly could care less if she was straight, gay, bi, trans, nb, alien, cabbage or a fucking dolphin. I’m just so hurt and angry right now.
I feel like my good quality of love and empathy has been taken advantage of.
I just want straight answers (pun absolutely not intended), but am terrified of learning the truth. But I also have an anxiety disorder and am prone to obsess over things. I don’t do well with ambiguity.
The questions “do you still love me and want to be married to me?” “Are you attracted to me?” “If our kids were out of the picture would we be together?” “Are you willing to work on our relationship so we can continue to be together?” Come to mind, and I need answers on them (eventually… this is very very fresh)
But a bigger question as I come to realize the scope of my wife’s journey is “does being my life partner stand in the way of who you are?” That one scares me. But I realize that I can (and have to) answer that question too. The answers to my first list of questions can all be yes, but if I am diminishing my sense of self to save a relationship none of those yesses matter.
I don’t want to jump the gun here but I feel like I’m watching my marriage end like I’m watching a car crash in slow motion.
I would love to learn how to make this work. I genuinely love my wife. But I need to know she’s feels and wants the same.
If anyone has been in a similar situation I would love some advice on navigating the short term (we will be going to couples therapy in the close future). But how do you navigate day to day with such heavy questions looming over your heads?
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: My wife recently came out as bi
CM, she is playing you and you lose every time. I'd bet she is playing her girlfriend too if that makes you feel any better but what would really make you feel better is if you could get off the love hook with her. She isn't on it for you, and never has been.
Love needs to be reciprocal - for you that means you need a straight woman who can be reciprocal.
What do you expect from marriage counselling? and if your wife has picked the counsellor, watch out you aren't peddled a line of what a good straight husband does to support his bisexual wife.
Anxiety and needing people to be straightforward with you. Yes I am the same. Well I was the same, my anxiety levels dropped to an astonishing degree the first night I slept in my own home. Shocking, it shocked me, I thought it was all my fault I felt anxious but it was a product of the situation I was in, not my childhood past, as he made me think.
So talking tough here - you already have your answers.
I understand that you genuinely love your wife. You already know she doesn't feel the same.
and I know how horribly painful all this is in that I've been through it but feeling better now thank god.
My ex would have strung me along all the way to the grave if he could. As long as I'd put up with it, no problem. After 37 years of loyal loving from my perspective, but in effect self-effacing service this point came where I fell out of love, I had no more heart to keep giving to him. It was from one moment to the next. By that stage I knew he was gay in denial and knew he was lying to me all along, and still doing it - he was going into hospital for an op and I was supposed to be driving him and I couldn't do it - I turned to my friend and asked her to look after him as I couldn't do it any more.
I remember thinking at another point - I do not want my life to have been about him.
So glad it isn't.
Last edited by lily (March 4, 2022 7:46 pm)
- Marianne
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Re: My wife recently came out as bi
CM2022:
I've been in a similar situation (me and my trans husband separated a few weeks ago), so I understand how difficult this is for you... and I'm very sorry this is happening to you. I can share some of the things that helped me survive. (I know everyone is unique, so you may find different things work for you, but maybe some of it may help.)
Take things a day at a time. You can say it aloud: "I just have to survive this one day, nothing more."
If you can't stop thinking about the heavy questions, you can try this: imagine your life is an unfinished book. Right now you are reading the last unfinished chapter over and over and try to figure out the ending. Now imagine closing the book, putting in on the shelf and say: "I won't read this book now, I'll leave it for tomorrow." Sometimes you have to repeat this several times before it starts working.
Make a list of things that usually make you feel better (like eating your favorite food, walking in the park, having a hot bath, listening to music... it can be anything). Try to do some of those things every day. This is a way to be kind to yourself and make your wellbeing a priority.
One last thing: I know this may sound funny but it helped me survive last Christmas... I started playing videogames. I found one so absorbing that it took my mind off the problems and allowed me to relax. It was much easier to deal with the situation afterwards. It may be worth trying.
Wishing you the best of luck.
Last edited by Marianne (March 5, 2022 5:39 am)