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March 3, 2022 12:01 am  #1871


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for writing Otter, although I'm so very sorry you've found yourself here. In response to your post/questions: 

1. My story is pretty in depth but I will try to give the simplest version: Flags: 
- Sexless relationship the last few years, when I would ask why.. he said he was tired or I didn't shower enough, but then if I was like let's go do it in the shower he also started to deny that as well etc.
- He never would really come on to me much either
- Never really jealous at all of any guy trying to flirt with me, etc  
- We for sure fell more into roommates than lovers at a point 


I've often written that sexual neglect or sexual starvation is abuse in my opinion. As I shared in an October podcast with OurPath, I believe the biggest red flag in these relationships is the gay/questioning partner's total lack of interest in sex with the opposite sex partner. So everything you've shared suggests he's gay-in-denial (GID). 

2. Clues when things spiraled: - He blamed me for giving him an STD (which when I got tested, I had as well). He had known he had it for over a week prior to saying anything to me. He said he didn't want to discuss who it was with or hear my story, etc he didn't want to discuss any of it. He broke up with me that night but that same night bought me pizza, cuddled me on the couch, etc. 

This is textbook narcissistic script flipping. Clearly he gave you an STD and yet couldn't admit it. Breaking up with you while also cuddling with you is just crazy-making. I'd read up on narcissism or perhaps discuss it with a qualified therapist.  

3. The week after that he acted distant but normal, we still went out to eat, etc. then about a week later he flipped out on me and wanted me to stay away from the apt to give him space. I came back to the apartment the next day and there was a bottle of champagne in the trash. 

What a monster!  

4. A few weeks later his friend (guy) who he would talk about before posted a picture of him "saying happy birthday to the love of my life". It was reposted and then quickly deleted. 

I don't think you need any more proof than that my friend, namely his champagne boyfriend posting "I love you photos" online. 

5. I then a few weeks later found a receipt that about 3 weeks after the breakup he purchased the following: a flesh light, jeweled butt plugs, lube, and a suction cup dildo (we had never used toys). 

Anal toys, lube and a dildo are just more proof that he's closeted/questioning. 

6. He was nice to me and friendly up until I confronted him about the toys via text then he completely shut me out. 

He was punishing you for having boundaries and/or no longer buying into his bullsh*t. I'd suggest listening to my interview: S4 Ep 3: A “Narcissist in Recovery” Gets Real - OurPath. Skip to 17:30 where we discuss red flags and narcissim.  

7. What confuses me: There were occasions in the beginning of the relationship where we watched lesbian porn together. 

I wouldn't fall down the rabbit hole of trying to decipher his porn habits. The facts remain: he refused to have sex with you; he has a boyfriend; and he enjoys anal sex. He's gay. 

8. On social media he has followed female model accounts, etc 

I enjoy Beyoncé and Lady Gaga music/music videos. This doesn't make me straight. Again, he refused to have sex with you; he has a boyfriend; and he enjoys anal sex. He's gay.  

9. My friend even saw him on tinder for a short period after the breakup.  

The key words here are "for a short period." Glad you dropped this toxic closeted *sshole! Again, he refused to have sex with you; he has a boyfriend; and he enjoys anal sex. 

10. There is a lot more to the story but in initial thoughts..does gay seem like a possibility? Thank you in advance for any thoughts. I can't seem to shake thinking about any of it.

He's not just gay my friend, he's bejeweled butt plug gay. The facts don't lie: he refused to have sex with you; he has a boyfriend; and he enjoys anal sex. If you find yourself continuing to obsess about this closeted toxic man, I'd suggest working with a relationship/trauma therapist. 

I hope that helps. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (March 3, 2022 12:03 am)

 

March 4, 2022 12:23 pm  #1872


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean, 

Thank you for the reply. Sometimes I think I am going crazy going over the details and some of his habits (following new girls on social media) makes me question the sexuality but I appreciate you being honest I am going to continue to try to understand it and seek some therapy as you mentioned. I did go to the podcast and that was helpful as well so thank you. 

 

 

March 5, 2022 7:43 am  #1873


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Sean, thanks for being an open book. In year 24 of marriage, at least half sexless, I discovered (he did not have the consideration or love for me to tell me) that my ex was a crossdresser who got off as he dressed in very vampy intimate apparel including attachable fake boobs, masks (were there others with him?) and mens sz 12 platform glitter shoes. He begged me to keep this a secret which I have. But now I’m in counseling I see the trauma and abuse. He denied being gay and was firm with me and a marriage counselor that he was hetero. I have memories of “moments of clarity” for me — the night he called to say the boat he was on “with a work client” ran aground so he’d be home much later than expected. These moments of clarity haunt me. He’s now with another woman and honestly I feel terrible for her. And I don’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth. What are the chances he’s GID v. A hetero crossdresser v. Man wishing to be a woman? BTW we’re divorced now (almost 6 years) and I’m trying to heal, really trying, and have made progress but there are times when my anger surges to the brim of insanity. We have three sons who are young adults now and live independently. I’ve never told them the truth—just veiled truth—“your father betray me”—but I think I’m gearing up to have the discussion with them in the safety of one of my counseling sessions. I’m realizing that’s the last thread—to stop protecting him and speak MY truth within our family.

 

March 5, 2022 9:09 am  #1874


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Your sons have a right to know. My gay ex boyfriend would dress in women's clothes at times. He never did in front of me but one of his friends said that he went to his house one night dressed in his deceased wife's clothes and make up.

 

March 6, 2022 11:52 am  #1875


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks for sharing Gloria and Toward the Light (TTL). In reply to TTL: 

1. In year 24 of marriage, at least half sexless, I discovered (he did not have the consideration or love for me to tell me) that my ex was a crossdresser who got off as he dressed in very vampy intimate apparel including attachable fake boobs, masks (were there others with him?) and mens sz 12 platform glitter shoes.

Wow. I want to disclose that I'm not a crossdresser nor do I have any experience whatsoever with cross dressing.  

2. He begged me to keep this a secret which I have.

Understandable. 

3. But now I’m in counseling I see the trauma and abuse. He denied being gay and was firm with me and a marriage counselor that he was hetero.

As I've shared in previous posts, husbands who have a history of cheating, secret keeping, and pathological dishonesty are the worst people to define their own sexualities.  

4. I have memories of “moments of clarity” for me — the night he called to say the boat he was on “with a work client” ran aground so he’d be home much later than expected. These moments of clarity haunt me.

I reckon flashbacks or "moments of clarity" are signs that you were in an abusive relationship. 

5. He’s now with another woman and honestly I feel terrible for her.

Don't contact her. 

6. And I don’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

Agreed! 

7. What are the chances he’s GID v. A hetero crossdresser v. Man wishing to be a woman?

I'm 100% certain this *sshole was a terrible husband, a crossdresser, and refused to have sex with you. That's more than enough without going down the rabbit hole of trying to define his sexuality/kinks post divorce. It's time to move on. 

8. BTW we’re divorced now (almost 6 years)...

Good!

9. and I’m trying to heal, really trying, and have made progress but there are times when my anger surges to the brim of insanity.

Totally understandable and I'm happy you're in therapy. I'd also suggest joining an Our Path support group or perhaps another support group for ex-wives of abusive husbands.  

10. We have three sons who are young adults now and live independently. I’ve never told them the truth—just veiled truth—“your father betray me”—but I think I’m gearing up to have the discussion with them in the safety of one of my counseling sessions.

I always operate from the standpoint that tech-savvy kids already know everything. I mean didn't we know everything about our own parents? Quite often the kids feel the need to remain silent to protect their moms. I say have at it and disclose everything to them. You'll feel much better and they'll likely be able to support you. 

11. I’m realizing that’s the last thread—to stop protecting him and speak MY truth within our family.

Good for you. I agree that you're no longer his protector nor his keeper of secrets. I would however be mindful that your husband might have spent the last six years telling your kids, friends, and family that you're crazy. It's quite common for questioning/closeted husbands to discredit future ex-wives as cover for their own secret lives. I'd also urge you to explore co-dependency with your therapist or perhaps via coda.org. Many of these men are narcissists who prey on kind, caring wives. 

Thanks again for sharing and please feel free to post again if you like. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (March 6, 2022 12:12 pm)

 

March 6, 2022 7:42 pm  #1876


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean, I recently posted this in another thread but would be very interested to hear your perspective as well. To summarize, here are a few examples of why I can't stop questioning my husband's sexuality:

- Has never really cared much for sex. Has always been obsessed with receiving (and giving) oral and no problem in any other area, yet the actual act of intercourse has always felt somewhat mechanical and as though he's doing it just for me. He even mentioned once he didn't see what the big deal was about sex.
- We probably have sex less than once a week. Always been that way from the start. We "hook up" all the time & he does seem very attracted to me... but always seems to prefer oral or handjobs.
- Had mentioned once when we were watching TV that he found all people beautiful & attractive, and that he found men and women hot too - I asked right away if this meant he was bisexual and he immediately said no. I should also mention he is a pretty "artsy" guy, so, I know sometimes that can be a mindset I guess.
- His faced turned red and he seemed a bit flustered for a few seconds when we ran into an old doctor of his who was an extremely attractive guy. But then I wasn't sure if he was maybe just nervous since he can be a very shy guy.
- Seems to want to be submissive, wants me to tell him what to do, once tried to put my hands on his butt while we were hooking up and I was pretty thrown off. 
- I don't know what it is, but I can't help but feel like I have to maintain an extremely thin size to gain his full attention. I always felt like he was more interested when I was stick thin. I am a healthy normal weight when I'm not trying so hard to be smaller, and have never had this feeling with other bfs. It's like I have to try my hardest to be perfect.
- Has had many failed relationships with women in the past. Most seem to be ended by the girl.
- Often has a very low mood, shy, and is a very private person- no social media or online presence really.


Do these seem to be pretty big red flags in your opinion? Many many thanks in advance.

Last edited by anniescott (March 6, 2022 7:42 pm)

 

March 7, 2022 12:15 am  #1877


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for posting Annie, although I'm so very sorry you've found yourself here. Before I respond to your post, I just want to make a few general comments, namely: 

1. Podcast: S4 Ep 3: A “Narcissist in Recovery” Gets Real - OurPath I'd suggest listening to an interview I did with interviewer Kristin. Skip to minute 17:30 for the common "red flags" that your partner isn't completely straight. 

2. Therapy: If you haven't already found a qualified mental health professional, I strongly suggest you start seeing someone who can help you unpack these feelings. 

3. The Iceberg Theory: Very few gay/questioning husbands just "come out" to their wives, particularly newlyweds in their 20s or 30s. Based on my many exchanges here, it often starts with small "pink flags" such as an inability to maintain an erection during penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex. The crisis normally comes in his 40s when he starts having sex with men more overtly. My point is to trust your instinct. I've taken the liberty of reading through your entire thread and have an observation: you make a lot of statements and then immediately discount how you feel. In my opinion, this suggests you're in an abusive relationship. Here is an example, you wrote: 

"Has never really cared much for sex."

As I've shared in the above podcast and repeated in countless posts, a lack if interest in penetrative/penis-in-vagina sex this is the biggest red flag in my opinion. What leads me to believe that you're in a manipulative, abusive, or perhaps a co-dependent/narcissist relationship is that you immediately start to discredit your own feelings by listing what I can only assume are his justifications, namely:  

- He acts like he's in love with you, particularly around others. 
- He enjoys frequent oral sex, just not penetrative intercourse. 

Again I'd encourage you to discuss all of this with a qualified therapist/counsellor. I'm now going to list just your statements/feelings, without his spin on things. 

1. Has never really cared much for sex, prefers oral or handjobs. 
2. Finds both women and men hot. 
3. Wants to be submissive.
4. Once tried to put my hands on his butt while we were hooking up. 
5. I have to be thin (almost boy-like) to keep his attention. 

I have some follow-up questions about your sex life as I believe the biggest red flags are in the bedroom. A gay or questioning husband can pretend to be straight all day because we've often been playing this role since we were children. However, we just can't fake it in the bedroom. My questions: 

1. You mention oral but does he perform oral on you? 
2. How often do you have penis-in-vagina intercourse and when was the last time? 
3. What does "submissive" mean with regards to your husband?
4. Can you please explain what actually happened with his "butt" during sex? This isn't very clear. 

So what's my point? I'm starting to believe that most straight wives I've interacted with over the years are in highly toxic relationships with abusive husbands...who just happen to be closeted gay men. Rather than going down the rabbit hole of trying to define his sexuality with the hope that his will somehow save your relationship, I'd first focus on the following: 

1. What is your definition of love and does your current relationship meet this definition? 
2. Finish this sentence: "A husband is...." and then compare it to him and his actions over the years.  
3. Determine whether this is this a healthy, loving, and fulfilling relationship for you

Please only respond if you want to my friend. Be well! 

 

March 7, 2022 7:04 am  #1878


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hey Sean,
Just wondering if you have ever seen a lump in the perineum area above anus from having forced anal sex? My bfs was clearly swollen on outside but he had no pain.. no redness nothing of that sort?

 

March 7, 2022 7:33 am  #1879


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi there. I’m wondering if you think these are red flags. Thanks I’m advance for the insight!

My partner recently ended our relationship suddenly saying he isn’t in love with me anymore (but that he’ll always love me) and that he can’t give me what I deserve. He’s been suffering from depression due to what I thought was a bad job situation and a toxic previous relationship. I don’t really know if there’s more to it than just those 2 factors, for example perhaps he is questioning his sexuality. We did have a very active (and good) sex life. He would initiate most of the time. However, he never finished from sex and always needed a hand/blow job to finish. Granted, I never finished from sex alone either, and he would always make sure I was taken care of first before himself. Perhaps some guys just prefer oral/hand jobs? I don’t know if I’m overthinking or if you think these might be red flags.

 

March 7, 2022 7:47 am  #1880


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

I think that that is a red flag. My ex gay boyfriend took viagra so we could have sex. I would think that your partner would keep having intercourse with you so you may believe he is straight. I will be holding a good thought for you.

 

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