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February 23, 2022 5:23 pm  #11


Re: Can't tell if these are red flags?

Thanks, Annie - it felt good to write.

Um, it sounds to me like he is fantasising that you are a man. ah, I wonder if that is how they keep it up when young!

I don't think it will last.  The awful truth - that you are a female - has to be impacting on his subconscious too, doesn't it.

My sense of things is sexual orientation is just that - your orientation.  The direction you look.  Now try and look in both directions, you'd need independently swivelling eyes and two separate brains to assimilate the input and two bodies if you wanted to walk both ways.

My understanding is that a person who is honestly describing themselves as bisexual is someone who has their emotionality geared towards mating with opposite sex but when it comes to it, it's at odds with their orientation and the way this resolves itself is when they meet someone of the same sex that they form a romantic bond with.  Then their emotionality falls into place.  

I would be surprised if your husband has reached his 30's without having felt romantic about enough men to know that's what he wants.  Sorry but it's unlikely he's confused - he's confusing you though, isn't he.  Doesn't he realise how much it hurts?  

Gay in denial, it's a thing.

 

 

February 23, 2022 5:41 pm  #12


Re: Can't tell if these are red flags?

lily wrote:

Thanks, Annie - it felt good to write.

Um, it sounds to me like he is fantasising that you are a man. ah, I wonder if that is how they keep it up when young!

I don't think it will last.  The awful truth - that you are a female - has to be impacting on his subconscious too, doesn't it.

My sense of things is sexual orientation is just that - your orientation.  The direction you look.  Now try and look in both directions, you'd need independently swivelling eyes and two separate brains to assimilate the input and two bodies if you wanted to walk both ways.

My understanding is that a person who is honestly describing themselves as bisexual is someone who has their emotionality geared towards mating with opposite sex but when it comes to it, it's at odds with their orientation and the way this resolves itself is when they meet someone of the same sex that they form a romantic bond with.  Then their emotionality falls into place.  

I would be surprised if your husband has reached his 30's without having felt romantic about enough men to know that's what he wants.  Sorry but it's unlikely he's confused - he's confusing you though, isn't he.  Doesn't he realise how much it hurts?  

Gay in denial, it's a thing.

 

My fears exactly. I am definitely going to take the time to reconsider my next move. I don't think I can risk the detrimental effect this will have on both of our mental health in the future. Too much anxiety, too much uncertainty. Like you said..better now than later! Many thanks again.

     Thread Starter
 

February 23, 2022 6:53 pm  #13


Re: Can't tell if these are red flags?

anniescott wrote:

Daryl, I agree it puts tremendous pressure where it should not be. My thoughts on this however is I wonder if this is caused by subconsciously feeling his lack of attraction to women in general, where it takes more work to gain his attention because of it.

Possible I suppose. Does it make you look more androgynous? If so, I'd speculate the chances go way up.

Be well through all this.
 


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

February 23, 2022 7:29 pm  #14


Re: Can't tell if these are red flags?

Daryl wrote:

anniescott wrote:

Daryl, I agree it puts tremendous pressure where it should not be. My thoughts on this however is I wonder if this is caused by subconsciously feeling his lack of attraction to women in general, where it takes more work to gain his attention because of it.

Possible I suppose. Does it make you look more androgynous? If so, I'd speculate the chances go way up.

Be well through all this.
 

At my tiniest, I had very little curves. At some point, when you're that small, you start to look more like a younger boy than a normal woman. He is also extremely thin himself so maybe it's just his preference in women as well. Still, not the healthiest. So in that sense yes.
 

Last edited by anniescott (February 23, 2022 7:30 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

March 1, 2022 12:20 am  #15


Re: Can't tell if these are red flags?

Hi Annie,

Sorry you find yourself here.  It's not an easy thing to face.

I think your husband's steady and consistent lack of interest in intercourse is a red flag. My take is that he's not bi but gay.   A bisexual man would crave intercourse with his wife & not have to do it to begrudgingly.

My ex h showered me with attention and all his spare time during our courtship, engagement & early in our marriage.   I mistook his prolonged love bombing for genuine love and romantic interest.  I found out the truth after wearing lingerie to keep him interested in me. He looked like he was watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and not his beautiful wife.  I don't mean to make a joke. It's unbelievable that someone would go to these great lengths to fool his wife. I'm the person he's supposed to love and cherish above all else.

Take care and hope things work out for you.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

March 1, 2022 9:18 am  #16


Re: Can't tell if these are red flags?

Lack of intercourse would be a red flag. Your husband is probably interested in men and I am so sorry that he fooled you.

 

March 1, 2022 12:23 pm  #17


Re: Can't tell if these are red flags?

MJM017 & Gloria, thank you both for your responses. I find myself constantly being pulled into this black hole of anxiety and doubt so it helps to hear once again from others that it is not just me in my head.

Is oral sex considered just as fulfilling for some men? Some people would argue that this is in fact still considered sex, so it wouldn't really make him gay. That's what confuses me. Because every single other area of intimacy is normal and he does seem to desire me sexually. Ugh!

Anyway, thanks to anyone who has made it this far. I appreciate any and every response. It's helpful to hear all the different perspectives. I make it a point to read through this forum as often as possible, it really helps present the reality of the situation and has been incredibly eye-opening.

Hope everyone has a good day

Last edited by anniescott (March 1, 2022 12:24 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

March 1, 2022 6:50 pm  #18


Re: Can't tell if these are red flags?

anniescott wrote:

Is oral sex considered just as fulfilling for some men?

Am not a guy or your husband. For me it's a 2nd place choice to avoid pregnancy or an STI.

You may not get the truth, but have you asked your husband if he is gay or questioning? Putting it on the table may help you.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

April 5, 2022 10:48 am  #19


Re: Can't tell if these are red flags?

I’m sorry your going through this. I’m in a similar boat.  hope we find peace.

Last edited by Treelovingvegan (April 12, 2022 1:58 pm)

 

May 6, 2022 8:47 am  #20


Re: Can't tell if these are red flags?

Trust your instincts and intuition. I really wish I had. I don't know anyone who trusted their intuition and later regretted it. If you need to know for sure, there are some things that don't lie. His mouth is not one of them. Text messages, Internet browser histories, and location data--these things don't lie. That sounds extreme to say, but I have found when it comes to things like this, the person that they lie to the MOST can be themselves. He may be able to sincerely look you in the eyes and say "I'm straight" and actually mean it and believe it. But the fact a person has to say / try to convince their sexual partner that they are straight / attracted to them / in love with them is the biggest evidence that they are not indeed, straight/ attracted to them / in love with them.

 

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