Hi Nita,
I could be totally wrong but is your bf frightening you into staying?

It doesn't have to be what we usually think of as domestic abuse.  For example, you fail to comply with a demand and something you own is ruined. I found a long article (you can listen to it as well)  at Forbes Magazine about this.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/patriciafersch/2021/03/19/domestic-violence-coercion-and-control-equates-to-a-loss-of-liberty-sense-of-self-and-dignity-for-women/?sh=8c920d55b653

A snippet from the article:

·    How coercive control tactics are often invisible to outsiders

·    How coercive control is used to “entrap” or bully victims of sexual harassment, domestic violence, sexual assault, and sex trafficking

·    Reasons for contradictory narratives of violence and abuse including reporting delays, recanting abuse, and memory issues

·    Why survivors return to abusive relationships or won’t testify against abusers

·    Psychological impairment and other effects of violence and abuse

·    How sexual orientation, cultural identity, and religion factor into trafficking, domestic violence, and sexual assault cases

Take care and let us know how things go.

PS - I re-edited a few hours after the original post.  Him hurting you and your wanting to vomit, upset me to distraction.  I hope you leave this horrible man.


 

Last edited by MJM017 (February 22, 2022 12:35 am)

Thank you, everyone. The support means a lot. After me telling him on Saturday that I will never use the motor bunnies, he re-established his play room, on Sunday, with both motor bunnies front and center. He is still trying to convince me to use them. I won't. It is troublesome that he won't hear me, and my eyes are wide open, taking this all in 

So I've known this man for 43 years. So we have a long history of friendship. Which means to say, if this was anyone else, I'd be long gone.

So let's recap. He lost his wife to cancer last year, and is still grieving. He has suicidal ideations. He is going through a major job change. He has a sex addiction. He has been suppressing his bisexuality all his life, and/or denying it to others, and wrestling with inner conflict. He is 31 years sober, but addiction takes many forms. He has passive aggressive tendencies. So, he is a mess. I know this. I think it is a big step for him to start counselling, and I will remain his friend and ally in that regard. If it was anyone else, I'd run away, believe me.

I feel psychologically healthy. I have set boundaries, and won't waver from them. I have worked too hard in life to gain my psychological, physical, mental, and spiritual health, to allow them to be compromised.

I am not afraid of losing him, and can set him free with love. Right now, I'm riding this through to see how counselling goes for him.....and will remain his friend whether we remain intimate or not.

If I catch a sniff of me being psychologically hurt or sliding into unhealthy places, I will pull the plug immediately. I won't sacrifice my health.

He's obviously a mess. I won't add to his burdens, but nor Will I sacrifice myself. I guess if I hit a wall, I will know it. Him setting up the play room again, featuring the motor bunnies, may indeed be the wall. I haven't decided yet. Still processing that.

Thank you so very much. It really helps to have the support.

Sorry Nita - can't really think of any more I can say - we have told you he is GID, sex with him is damaging even without the hardcore sex addiction he is displaying.  

If he loved you he would be saying sorry over and over and carting that stuff to the rubbish dump.

My suggestion is protect yourself - let him do his counselling first before continuing to have a relationship with him - let your heartbreak come and turn to your friends to help you through it.  

 

Given your description of him--"He lost his wife to cancer last year, and is still grieving. He has suicidal ideations. He is going through a major job change. He has a sex addiction. He has been suppressing his bisexuality all his life, and/or denying it to others, and wrestling with inner conflict. He is 31 years sober, but addiction takes many forms. He has passive aggressive tendencies. So, he is a mess"--he sounds like a poor choice for a friend, and an even worse one for a lover. 

"If this was anyone else, [you'd] be long gone"?  Given what he's asked you to do, and is still asking you to do despite your clear "no," why aren't you "long gone" already?  Friendships wax and wane, and they end, too.  One wonders what it would take for you to see how toxic this man and your "friendship" with him is.  
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 22, 2022 3:57 pm)

Nita, that sounds like you are going to see him and try and tell him it's over.  That's not going to work, it's just more drama - you break it off by not seeing him any more.