My comments in red 

HopelessRomantic wrote:

..... I’ve already consented to his activities (with boundaries set), so why on Earth would he lie to me about where the clothes came from? Why be surreptitious if I’ve already given the green light? Maybe he needs to feel like he is hiding something from you. Maybe you being accepting of how he is now takes away from his seeing himself as a "badarse secret-keeper". Maybe he wants you to be angry that he's keeping this from you....

Am I overreacting here? It’s such a little thing, but now I’m wondering what else he’s hiding or lying about. Starting to think I’ll have grey hairs before I’m 30.....hey in my opinion a straightspouse is totally entitled to overreact. It's all about what you ultimately do with it....like I used to overreact vocally, emotionally. It did me no good. I rarely wonder about what my partner is doing/hiding these days....

Elle
 

HopelessRomantic wrote:

...The latter seems like the more productive route, start a dialogue and encourage honesty, but that’s only true if he’s honest.

That's it though right? You can encourage honesty and still not hear the truth.
I found it was better for my esteem and mental health to not ask questions hence no need to be told lies because my intimate, secure and trusting r'ship with my partner has been chipped away at over the years and had left me with an untrusting wall between us.

Elle

This is exactly what happened to me!

We shared everything and were each other’s best friend. He would rather hang out with me than his friends. We spent all of our time together and even worked at the same employers once. Morning, noon and night alway together. I even had access to passwords and would use his phone nightly to access his social media accounts bc I did not create one. He didn’t mind at all. So I could see incoming text and emails.

So it floored me and was in complete shock when the trans bomb call rocked my world. First it was I have been secretly cross dressing, to I want to dress full time, to I think I’m bi sexual, to I think I’m trans, to I want to be with a man and have a heterosexual relationship. All of this within a matter of 1-2 weeks. He never would tell me upfront and I always had to piece it together.

He gaslighted me and said he was suicidal and couldn’t lie to himself anymore. I felt sorry and had compassion for my “person” in this world. I was standing by to help and listening to his cries. Then he told me about the 2 wks we were apart how he was cross dressing and putting on makeup. The light bulb went off! I said where and when did you buy this stuff? Amazon! He had created a new Amazon account with a entirely new email address. One that I never knew or had access to. It never showed up on his account phone bc he didn’t sync it with the rest.

Then I asked how he got the money to buy all the makeup clothes and sex toys to experiment with himself. He told me he would go to the grocery store and use cash back so I wouldn’t get suspicious. He also opened up a PayPal account I never knew about.

Then I asked for the password to the new email address. Once I gained access, I changed the password and locked him out in 2 seconds. He thought he wiped it clean, but it’s never clean if you know how to do detective work.  I apparently never knew I had this skill. I was able to see automated saved email address and phrases and “junk” mail.

He had created secret online dating profiles in meet a cross dresser. Disgusting married men with wife and children are on these sites chatting with cross dressers who want to meet up. I unlocked all the dating sites and porn sites accounts. I emailed it all back to him!

Then I couldn’t put my finger on it. Something was still not sitting well with me. How did I put him in a Uber to see his mother for the holidays and he rocks my world with a phone call that he is trans and now bisexual? How do you just now think you are bisexual without experimenting? I unlocked the phone account. If you have Verizon it is the only provider who allows you to see text messages to phones that are not Apple. Bam there you have it! In black and white, he was sexting married men nude pics of himself wanting to hook up!

Never in a millions years I thought he was a cheater, a liar, a thief nor a cross dresser! I would have bet my life on him.  I thought I knew my best friend but apparently I didn’t know at all!

I have learned, if someone has a secret they will do everything in their power to hide it from you! He would have never ever told me and has admitted to taking it to his grave. I can’t get those disgusting naked cross dressing lingerie pics of him out of my head and the obscene messages he sent.

Still I forgave him when he made cries of suicide to me and needed his “best friend” again and begged me to let him come home.  Only because I was willing to bend and do what it took to keep my marriage together even if it meant sexual acts I would never consider. This was the only reason he wanted to come home. To experiment with me and help him transition. He never got that chance bc when he came back, he said he wanted to be with a man in every sense and would cheat on me.

I’m ashamed to say he gaslighted me again for wanting to “stay” and “come home”.

I have no more sympathy or grace. When someone shows you who they are.....please believe them.

I would have saved myself 8-9 months of heartache and tears.

Please be careful and his actions are your sign.

Last edited by LostAtSea (February 15, 2022 2:05 pm)

I agree with the money portion. He was a bigger earner at one point vs vice verse. One point I made more as well. But when you get married and have a family, your money is “our” money.

When you spend “our” money, we need to have a conversation about it. I also never questioned any type of spending. I was always the saver and spent money on him not on myself.

Having secret accounts is not a partnership. If you have to hide it, then you are hiding something.

The pink fog and urges are real! Even after I found out about the secret Amazon account. More secrets and lies for feminization. In one month the secret Amazon account racked up close to $800. Make up was $400 alone at Sephora.  These little “white” lies turn into monsters.

I never really saw myself as been manipulated or abused. But the gaslighting and the actions that didn’t match being a devoted partner was eye opening.

After discovery, I got the I’ll be honest with you from this point on no more lies”.. No more lies, but I soon learn no disclosure and omitting details ARE lies.. Some things were disclosed and some were not. It was never 100% honesty. Just lies from a broken soul who is confused on what to be in life and disguised as my best friend.

Last edited by LostAtSea (February 15, 2022 11:35 am)

"He came clean immediately."  They only admit to what you already know.  And as LostAtSea says, lies of omission are still lies.  I notice he was quick to deflect by providing a "reason": after Christmas sales.  

"There's nothing else he's been hiding."  I would take this statement with a huge grain of salt, given that the main thing he has hidden is his sexual orientation (his misdirected heterosexual desire for himself as a woman).  

 Saying "nothing [I say or do] will help" and "[I'm] between a rock and hard place" are ways to say "I don't have to try" and "I'm going to do what I want."  They are also ways for him to pressure you into giving in:  "You say I can't act on my own, so you need to agree to what I need."   

  But hey, test him out.  Tell him exactly what you expect, set up a system of accountability, and then watch to see if he does it.  Pay attention to his actions not his words.  Establish a budget for his purchases (and yours); make sure you have complete access to any bank and credit card accounts.  Decide for yourself what you actions will be--the consequences--if he doesn't live up to the agreement.  (BTW: You can run a free credit check that will reveal any credit cards.)