feelingoverwelmed wrote:

I have shared some of this with a few members but it is just so embarrassing.

Why do you feel embarrassed?

Please give some thought to this and write it down.  You don't have to share it hear if you don't want to.. but I think you need to put some thought into what is driving you to feel this way. 

Do you think you caused this?
Do you think you enabled this?
Do you think you chose poorly?
Do you think his problems are a reflection of you?
Do you think think this should not bother you?
Do you think people will judge you based on his decisions?
Is your identity wrapped up in your husband and how the world sees him?

Please give this some thought..   then come back here and we will all tell you the same thing. 

This is not your fault!
This is not something you caused or something you could have fixed!
This is not something you should have seen coming before you married him!
This is not a reflection of you. 

You have gone WAY over and above the calling of even the most supportive and loving wives.  You have dealt with more than anyone could have for 12 years and you have stood by him. 

You should not be embarrassed, you should be proud. 

 

feelingoverwelmed wrote:

I went today and took what was left of our money and opened a new account in my name only. I cannot close our existing accounts because they have both our names on them. I made a appointment to see a attorney that has a $300 consultation fee to see about getting him out of the house and some support until I find some kind of a job. I am embarrassed for believing in him that he wanted to stay and be a loving husband. I know that I shouldn't trust untrustworthy people, but I did. I actually feel better because I had a more productive day and know now that he can't leave me broke and penniless. I also went through his car and found a double headed dildo. Can only imagine what that is for. I rented a storage locker and put it in there for evidence and took a picture of my black eye so I would have prove that he does get physical with me. I also  found $500 that he had stashed in his car and took that too. I have always worked and a little over a year ago we decided that I needed to stay at home to try to build a strong marriage. that's what I am embarrassed about.

Sweetheart..  please don't be embarrassed.  You've done nothing wrong.  Nothing!

We are supposed to believe our spouse.  We are supposed to try to save our marriage because we took vows that include "good times and bad, sickness and health", etc..   You have gone above and beyond what anyone else could handle and still tried to save your marriage.  

I want you to try to change your evaluation of yourself.  You have nothing to be embarrassed about.  You are a victim.  You know that now and you are taking action to change the situation, but you haven't done anything wrong. 

Physical abuse as well??   That's just awful.. i'm so sorry for you.     

I'm so proud of you for taking action today.  You did some amazing things to protect yourself (and do you have kids?)   You mentioned staying at home and I assume that's to care for kids..  

Many attorneys give free consultations.  You can go see a few of them and ask a ton of different questions and get quite a lot of information for free.  Plus you will have a few more option to chose from so that you are comfortable that you have found the one who is best for you. 

Good for you for taking financial control over what you have available.  

Please find protection from physical abuse.  If he's hit you before, then he might very well do it again when he finds out that you've taken money from his car or from joint bank accounts.  Do you have a friend who could stay with you for a while?   

I'm worried for your safety..  He is a powder keg and I don't want you to risk getting hurt (or having your kids hurt). Please find a safe place or protection to stay with you for a while. 
 

feelingoverwelmed,

Those are good steps you took!   It doesn't matter how small...you do what is necessary.  Whole forum here is cheering you on.

Physical abuse also..  just wow.   You could easily get a restraining order with that.    I think your doing awesome,  discrete positive steps.    Yes,  a lawyer will have you list all the accounts you know about.
Your abuser husband will have to list/declare accounts and assets also.    I would suggest more snooping to find more papers....no way you can feel any guilt with this guy.  Small, discrete steps , slow and steady..always  positive for you and forward.  Don't let on to him anything is wrong.     We walk forward.. we are not citizens of the gay abusive valley.  God would not want us to build our home in such a place.


You can do this..  a warm ehug for you.   (sincere and authentic).


 

feelingoverwelmed wrote:

I can't really share with anyone what is going on but I met and married a man 12 years ago that is gay.

I hope you aren't saying this because you feel responsible for keeping his secrets. You have nothing to be ashamed of even though we all felt it. Don't let that secret prevent you from doing what you need to move on and create your own happiness.