Watch18 I'm so sorry this is happening.

A man who has a 3 year sexual affair with another man is gay.  He is also unfaithful. And dishonest. You CAN'T take the word of a deceitful liar about how many partners or how long he's been cheating.

He could have been honest and come out to you, given you a great divorce settlement, and gone on to live his gay life.  Instead he deceived you and has cheated for years before being caught. This means you can never trust him again and need to start looking after yourself and protecting your health and your share of marital assets.

Firstly stop all sexual contact and have a thorough STI check,
including HIV. 

Secondly find a therapist you can talk to to help you manage the emotions and maybe clarify what you want to happen next.

Thirdly check he isn't running up debt or spending family money behind your back.  Cheating is expensive.

Fourthly, consult a lawyer about what divorce might look like for you.

Now he's been found out, prepare for anger, excuses, him blaming you, threats of suicide, requests to have an open marriage, and many other nasty surprises. Don't fall for any of it - this is all on him.

Please understand that you did not cause this, you are not responsible for him or his choices. He could have been honest but chose to be a lying cheater instead. He has treated you and your marriage like rubbish.

Get angry, get organised and get rid of him.

I wish I could give you hope but there isnt any. Again, I'm so sorry.

He's "just curious"?  For three years and through numerous sexual encounters in your marital bed, the other man's marital bed, their cars?  That's some curiosity!   He sounds like a Dr. Seuss book!  "I was curious here!  I was curious there!  I wanted to do it in a bed!  In the car I gave him head!"   It defies credulity.  For him to think you're credulous enough to buy this desperate excuse is either insulting or a measure of his desperation that you not act on the truth you've uncovered.

He loves you?  He sure has a funny way of showing it!  Men who love their wives do not have three year long affairs with other people--men or women, gay or straight. 

I'm sorry you need to be here, but you are in the right place, because not only is your husband cheating with a man and therefore by all evidence a closeted gay man denying to you and maybe in denial to himself about his sexuality, in handing that flimsy excuse of "just curious," your husband has begun the run-through of all the excuses in a closeted and in denial spouse's playbook. 

This current sexual partner is likely not his first, either.  He's just the first one you know about.  One move in the playbook is to admit only to what has been discovered, when the overwhelming likelihood is that this man is just the latest in a line of male lovers. 

One of the most difficult things to absorb for those of us married to closeted and/or in denial spouses is that maintaining their cover and protecting their secret (and their secret lives) is their primary motivating force, and this is true whether they are trying to deceive only others or also themselves. 

  They do not want their secret out.  They do not want to accept who they are.  They do not want their cover blown.  They do not want a change in their lifestyle.  They are afraid of exposure.  Afraid of admitting to themselves that they are gay.  Afraid of losing the lifestyle they currently enjoy.  Your value to your husband is as his beard (his cover), and they will do and say quite a lot to keep you compliant and their cover intact.

  They will throw up a smokescreen of lies.  They'll count on our shock over our discovery, weaponize our love for them, and make themselves into victims in order to manipulate us into doubting ourselves, all in order to keep us compliant and silent and in the marriage.  They'll give us a show of contrition.  They'll ask for our "understanding," our pity, and to give them a chance!  They'll undertake to show us their contrition and their love.  They'll act out in desperation and threaten suicide. 

   Or, depending on their personality, and especially if and when we show signs of exposing them or leaving them, they'll  attack.  They'll blame-shift.  They'll threaten.  They'll follow through and become vindictive in the divorce proceedings.  They'll even marry another woman as cover when we divorce them.  

  Because your husband is a cheater, you might want to visit chumplady.com.  There are a number of women and men posting there who are dealing with same-sex cheating. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 4, 2022 8:45 am)

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. I guess you wont have to wonder the what ifs or whys or anything like that because you caught him with your own eyes.