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1 - Perplexed1
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I'm Wondering If He's Gay
I’m trying to figure out what to do. Here’s my story. Prior to marrying my husband of 14 years, I found gay and straight porn in his apt. When I confronted him about it he said that he was curious about gay porn, and that porn was something that he struggled with in the past and was no longer an issue. After about two years of marriage I found out that he was still watching porn. We talked and he agreed to stop watching porn. Two years later he told me about a one-time exploratory experience he had when he was 17 years old. He said that it wasn’t sex, just a lot of touching. Two years later he said there was another person he engaged with as a teen. I’d known that he was molested as a child, so I could understand why he might be confused as a teenager. In Jan 2020 I found out that he has been watching gay and straight porn on and off for the entirety of our marriage. In Nov of 2020 he supposedly came completely clean and told me about multiple sexual encounters he has had with men and about even living with a gay man and having sex with him. All of these experiences took place prior to us being married. I only found out about them a little more than a year ago. For years I have questioned his sexuality due to our lack of sex, and due to how he engages with me. Whenever I’d ask him why we weren’t having sex he’d say that he was tired, or that it’s difficult for him to engage with me sexually when we’re arguing. There were many times in which we did have sex, but I’ve always questioned the frequency. Our marriage has been very hard on me because my mind has swirled for years about whether or not he is gay. We’ve had hundreds of conversations about this but he has never admitted to being gay. Just last night he said, “there is something there that I need to deal with, and that’s why I watched gay porn”, but he said that he’s not gay. I’ve rarely felt like he desired me as a woman and wife. He has completely isolated himself and he has no friends. I wonder if this is the case because he is afraid of how he might engage with another man. He is currently in individual therapy, and he has started to participate in a sex addicts group. There is absolutely no trust in our relationship because every time something from his past, or present has surfaced it was due to a discovery on my part. He has never just come to me and been honest with the exception of when he came completely clean in Nov 2020, (and even then he felt pressure from me). I have not had any peace in this marriage and I’m praying about what to do. I welcome any feedback, thoughts, and questions.
- Soaplife
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Re: I'm Wondering If He's Gay
Not much to add to MJMs comprehensive post, except - we hear you. And that when trust is gone and he's still lying, there is absolutely nothing to work with. And that sex addiction is not a thing. I'm so sorry he has deceived you and preyed on your love and kindness.
- Blue Bear
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Re: I'm Wondering If He's Gay
He's gay. He's a ravenous consumer of gay porn, has had lots of gay sexual experiences, lived with a gay guy with whom he had sex in the past, and doesn't want to have sex with you. This seems like a pretty easy call.
He's dishonest. It sounds like he's lied to you about the gay porn, lies to you about the true reason he doesn't want to have sex with you (it's not because he's "tired" or you're "arguing"), and has not been forthright about important information from his past.
So the question you have to ask is this: do you want to remain married to a highly dishonest closeted gay man? If so, why?
- Perplexed1
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Re: I'm Wondering If He's Gay
Thank you for your responses. Blue Bear I think that you are right. The question is, “do you want to remain married to a highly dishonest closeted gay man? If so, why?”
My husband says that he knows what it’s like to want to have sex with men (due to his past), and he says that he no longer wants to have sex with men. But at the same time he’s been watching gay porn. I believe that he has this desire that he doesn’t want, but at the end of the day it is clearly a desire (whether he wants it to be one or not). We come from a conservative Christian background and I think to admit these desires may be too much for him. I think that on some unconscious level he convinced himself that he no longer had same-sex attraction because he was married. For years I allowed myself to believe his lies, but I can no longer ignore what I know and feel to be true.
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Thread Starter- Blue Bear
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Re: I'm Wondering If He's Gay
My ex-wife also came from a highly conservative Christian background. Her father is also a nasty homophobe. My ex-wife said things like "I don't want to be known as a lesbian" and has even denied that she is a lesbian despite having a girlfriend for four years. Their minds are a mess, partly as a result of their backgrounds and partly as a result of the decision they made to live a deceptive life by dragging an unknowing straight partner into the closet with them.
As you make your decisions, just remember what YOU know and what YOU know to be true. It sounds like you are doing well on that front. I'm sorry you are going through this, and good luck.
- walkbymyself
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Re: I'm Wondering If He's Gay
Perplexed1: I'm so sorry you find yourself here. We've all been where you are.
When I read your posts, it seems to me that you're trying to ask a question he's just not going to face. It's not so much that he's lying to YOU -- he's lying to HIMSELF and telling you what he wants to believe himself.
So he is gay and doesn't want to be gay. But asking him to tell you whether he's gay, just isn't going to work.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- ellefemme
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Re: I'm Wondering If He's Gay
He is lying to you, but I also agree with walkbymyself, in that he is also confused and lying to himself.
It is interesting, because I am seeing more and more people saying that their partner was sexually abused as a child. My partner was as well, but now, I think that is separate. I think that they want to have sex with men, or are attracted to men, and they have a hard time facing that, so they drag their partners down, and manipulate at all costs to keep their own illusions up. Also, the lack of sexual intimacy? because: I am tired, or my tummy hurts, or my back hurts, or I have a headache, or since you discovered my love of Gay porn or cyber sex with men, or encounters with men, I now have a hard time connecting sexually.
All lies.
and as much as it tears you down as a woman? You have to know that it isn't you, and that this was way before you. I hope you find courage and strength to find the closure in yourself, and the facts that you know from the secrets you unearthed are there and you don't need anything more than that. And if you want someone who is straight ? Then I hope you find the courage to walk right out of his closet.
- Perplexed1
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Re: I'm Wondering If He's Gay
Yes ellefemme, this definitely takes courage. I’ve been coming to grips with the fact that divorce, separation, leaving, is very hard. My husband and I have been best friends for a long time and we do everything together. We get along really well with the exception of issues related to his same-sex attraction. Unfortunately this has definitely caused a lot of issues for us, but the fact that we do get along so well makes divorce harder. At the same time, I’m in my 40s and I didn’t get married strictly for companionship. I do want to be with a straight man. I’m afraid that if I stay married to my husband I will always wonder if he’s wanting to be with a man, watching same-sex porn, or considering engaging in sex with a man. I don’t think that he has been with a man since we’ve been married, but I also think that anything is possible and our trust is gone. I think that he felt like watching gay porn meant he wasn’t gay because he wasn’t physically having sex with a man. What I have told him is that by watching gay porn he literally brought his past (that I didn’t know about until 14 months ago), into our marriage in a very active way. Walkbymyself and ellefemme, you are both spot on. He has been lying to himself, which means that he couldn’t possibly give me the truth. For so long I did not understand that. Up until recently he refused to admit to himself that he is attracted to men. I told him that I want a separation with the intention of divorcing. He said that he wants to stay married, but he has agreed to move out. Because we get along so well, sometimes I question if I’m making a bigger deal out of this than I should be. We have three children together (ages 12, 10, and 8), and I have major concerns regarding how they will handle us divorcing. At the same time, we’ve been living semi-separately for the past couple of months. He’s been on the couch (dad falls asleep on the couch…like a lot of dads), and I have taken some emotional steps back to create space for me to process and think. This has been a huge blessing because I don’t feel like I’m making emotional decisions about our relationship right now. I’m not angry any more. And that is really new for me. I’m not checking his phone, email, or wondering what he’s doing or watching. I feel like I have peace. And that too is new for me. While I have peace, I’m also sad about not being with my husband and about how our family will look different. I really appreciate everyone’s feedback. As you already know this is a crazy and difficult process. I’m feeling grateful for this community and sorry that it is even necessary.
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Thread Starter- Gloria
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Re: I'm Wondering If He's Gay
It is difficult to take the step to leave. When you do it you will wish that you had done it sooner. I am holding a good thought for you...
- Watch18
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Re: I'm Wondering If He's Gay
I’ve been happily married for 33 years , perfect husband etc, only to walk in on my husband with a man. It has come to light that they have been meeting up at our home, his home, cars etc for just over 3 years. This is also his friend, who is also married.
My husband says he loves me always has, never stopped wanting me, says it was a curiosity thing and it just kept going. He says he’s not gay, bisexual and he’s not even into men
Can anyone tell me if this could be true - I’m devastated and a mess