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January 27, 2022 9:37 am  #31


Re: Futility or Productive Work?

Rob wrote:

LMM,

My GX's physical rejection of me started with her lesbian affair but I must say if I look back on my decades of  marriage it was 98% of time me who initiated any physical contact.   Im not talking just sex but even hugs, kisses, basic couple contact..  Its not like she didnt hug me or anything..  but as I look back now with 20/20 hindsight I can say;
a.) I was blind to it because I loved her so much.  
b.) Its was not normal for a heterosexual woman.
c.) I can see clearly though the narcissism..

I think like you my inexperience and youth  coupled with a.)   blinded me to b.) and c.,).     But its not all my fault because my GX with her closet and narcissistic skill was perfectly capable of stringing me on for years and hiding the gay..    Some say our upbringing and low self worth makes us blind to it...   but even my friends that knew her when we were dating did not see the gay.     

So I absolve myself of blame and naivety  in TGT.   And you should do the same.    We gave true, fierce love.. absolute and unselfish.   We loved them when they were sick, mean, any weight etc..    They gave ???
 

Rob,
I really appreciate this. I can relate! When we were engaged (we didn’t date, just had a prophetic command to marry) he would hold my hand, kiss me, showed the world how he loved me. The day we got married it stopped. Not only did he sob in the hotel that night and then take days to be able to have sex (with anger and anxiety). The other affection dried up. He snapped that there was something wrong with me because if I touched his arm, held his hand, put my hand on his shoulder - basically any human contact at all - he felt a burning, buzzing pain there.

I’m a really compassionate person who is super accommodating to people’s needs. If I know someone has a grief day every year when he baby died, I call her or text. If my friend has a disability I do everything to help her and include her. I think my husband loved this trait. I was very concerned about not giving him that burning pain. I treated it like a medical mystery. I wanted to get therapy or work on our love languages, but that just made him angry. “You’re critical of my problem! You’re so overbearing, reminding me of this awful problem and pushing me when there’s nothing I can do! If there was anything to fix it, I would do it! You’re so mean to make it seem like there’s something I should do, when I’m the one who can’t enjoy my wife touching me!”

See how he made himself the victim of me? And blamed and accused me? And I bought it. I hated how mean and selfish I was. I was starved for not only affection, but touch in general. Part of the abuse was him requiring that I leave friendships. In our first month of marriage he moved us away from our community (where I was well loved and had great support) to a new city where he got anxious if I left the apartment. He was always home watching movies and I had to stay. It’s like he took me, set me down in a cave where he could gaslight and manipulate me, and I had no touch, nothing that fed my soul except my connection to God.

Now I’ve had three months of lots of affection and sex. But it all turns out to be a ploy to keep me.

You’re totally right that we loved them when they were mean and unloving. We kept going. We can be good people! We’ve built character and integrity that many people never get to build. We’ve done it while starved and bruised.

 

January 31, 2022 10:02 pm  #32


Re: Futility or Productive Work?

Hello LMM

I just wanted to reply here and let you know I sent you a message. This is a very difficult road for him too. He is grappling with things he has very likely felt a LOT of shame and fear over for much of his life. Please have empathy for him in this as well. And know that the things he might be saying are not at all intended to hurt you. He is simply having to learn how to express the things he has been keeping inside for a long time. Things he might have NEVER thought he would be allowing himself to feel let alone share with others. A happy, successful, thriving monogamous mixed orientation relationship is absolutely possible. Sometimes it is just getting through these beginning confusing stages that is the most difficult. Sending you positive vibes. Please reach out any time. I am very open to you messaging me or we can email or talk any other way you like. You are not alone. Many of us have been in the confusing part you are in now and gotten through it successfully. Wishing you all the best.

 

March 25, 2022 4:41 pm  #33


Re: Futility or Productive Work?

Rob wrote:

LMM,    

My GX's physical rejection of me started with her lesbian affair but I must say if I look back on my decades of  marriage it was 98% of time me who initiated any physical contact.   Im not talking just sex but even hugs, kisses, basic couple contact..  Its not like she didnt hug me or anything..  but as I look back now with 20/20 hindsight I can say;
a.) I was blind to it because I loved her so much.  
b.) Its was not normal for a heterosexual woman.
c.) I can see clearly though the narcissism.

 

Oh Rob 😢

This made me cry and is EXACTLY my situation.

Hope you are doing ok

But the narcissist - I've seen that come up a bit on several posts.

Can you/anyone elaborate on how it is being used? Don't really understand? Selfish?!

 

March 25, 2022 6:53 pm  #34


Re: Futility or Productive Work?

Chapster, you sound like a nice man.  Chances are your wife is not the only narcissist in your life - nice honest people attract charmingly selfish ones - we just do, for obvious reasons - easy to manipulate, caring and giving - what's not to like.

I have just been through it again with the man I hired to do some landscaping - I thought he was so nice, I thought he would help me with my garden, in fact the job is never done, really all he has on offer is an endless bill for his time doing what he wants to do not what I need or ask him to do and I have spent hour upon hour of backbreaking work fixing what I have just paid him to do.

I mean I am in my 60's, I manage to avoid a lot of it nowadays, it's like I am old enough to see them coming, but there always seems to be one that gets through - I really believed I'd found someone who I could collaborate with and I let him string me along further than I should have.  But I have wised up now and no real harm done as he was not a friend of any sort - I'm just a bit angry, not heartbroken.  and on the plus side a friend has stepped up and is helping me get it done just out of fun and friendship, that feels really nice.

 

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