Hi Everyone! I'm new here and hope my dilemma/story will help someone in the way that reading so many sites on this thread has helped me.

I am a straight, 40-year old cisgender woman. I met my partner (same age), who presented as a straight male, about 4 years ago. We met through a dating app, and I was so taken with him even on Day 1. He was polite, kind, thoughtful, adventurous, and manly - he checked every box! We got along so well, and within a few months we had made our relationship exclusive. 

Fastforward 10 months. He sits me down on the couch one evening and tells me he is transgender and that he feels like a woman on the inside. This shocks me. He was clearly in some distress when he told me, and I admired him for his honesty and trust in me. Not ever having been in this situation before, I did everything I could do to support him right off the bat. More long talks than I could count, helping him tell his family, his friends, experimenting with various toys, etc. Our relationship was only a year old, and I wanted to do anything I could to help support this beautiful soul. He really unfolded in many ways I couldn't have expected at this time. He revealed that he cross-dresses at night (sleeps in panties and a bra, or a night gown). He bought breast forms to sleep in. He would also talk about wanting to have a threesome (MMF) with me (truth: it's just not for me). We made plenty of sex shop visits around this time. He wanted me to use a strap-on on him, and we bought several large dildos with balls that he was so excited about - I could see it in his eyes. We'd incorporate them a bit into our sex life, but not regularly. He was into it, I was not (but I went along with it). I should add that my partner grew up in a very strict religion, that he has since left.

A few months later, he tells me he wants to have an open relationship. He also tells me he wants to sleep with men. It comes to light that he had slept with men on a few occasions prior to our getting together. Again, wanting to be supportive and never having been in an open relationship before, I figured "why not? Let's try this." He goes out to dinner with a few women (yes, women - as far as I know no men were in the picture). Meanwhile, I go on several dates with someone who I end up really hitting it off with. We were never physical, but my partner gets wildly jealous and he proposes that we close our relationship. So we do. 

At this point, the jealousy from the open relationship seems to close my partner up entirely. He never asks for the strap-on, rarely pushes gender-bending during sex. Our sex life cools off, though I do know he masturbates. He admits that shemale porn is his preference. He also still continues to cross-dress at night.

He now says he's bisexual and transgender. He says he "probably won't" transition, but he can't promise me he won't. He wants strap-on, gender-bending sex with the option of an open relationship if the sex with me doesn't do it for him.

Meanwhile, I am struggling with the sheer UNCERTAINTY of it all!  I can't maintain the strong connection I need for sex if I'm not sure that my partner might transition to a woman one day! And how can I be certain when I have such resentment about him opening - and then closing - the relationship! Also, something in my gut just doesn't believe that he is done exploring. I can't get over the feeling that I'm holding him back, though he swears I'm not. When he first came out to me, it broke any trust I had that he is exactly who he says he is, and that it won't progress further. I feel bad about this.

I also feel so much GUILT for struggling to accept this. I can't get over the guilt of "why can't I just be okay with it"? Am I just too sexually conservative for him? He's such a great person and we're compatible in so many other ways!

We have been going to therapy as individuals. Something in me doesn't want to do couples therapy. We're not married, and I'm wondering if we should just pull the plug on our relationship now.

Has anyone else tried to work through these challenges early in a relationship, and it worked out? We've only been dating 4 years, and he's been "out" for 3. Or are we better just going our separate ways? I truly feel it's the latter, but am so scared of breaking up over something that could be worked through. Like, why can't I just believe him when he says he "probably won't" transition?

Thank you, and love to you all - this is so tough.

 

Last edited by NotSure12 (January 13, 2022 7:07 pm)