Hi Ellexoh,
Thank you for asking. Today, not so well. I have regular contact with my siblings regarding our late dad, and we zoomed on Sunday evening, that was soo amazing. the 4 of us get along quite well, most of the time. But today, I feel a bit down. My husband and I often talk about our 'past' relationship, and it is liberating that I can hear the truth and for him to speak the truth from his heart. However, at a time when I thought we might try again, last year Oct, we went away to Tauranga for a weekend, and he had time to lay his heart on the table, but he didn't quite do so. I thought we're good, we can try again, but actually at that time he's already had a new online lover....one that he's had for probably a year or so. He said that he wanted to tell me, but he didn't know how to, and we gave our marriage another 4 months until the 31st of Dec, when I told him that I think we should call it quits.  He revealed his online relationship with his friend to me in detail, over this past weekend... It's as if he is coming out of the closet for the 2nd time, this time I understand what it's all about and I am informed. And this time, it hurts, as I know I have lost my husband for good. We have just gone for a long walk and he had to listen to me, unpacking my hurt and frustrations. For hte first time I feel incompetent, with a low-self-esteem, worthless. I have given my life for us as a family and for him, and I stopped being involved in hobbies, - I love singing and writing songs, and playing the piano...I need to start getting busy, involved in community events, perhaps go back to church, I want to get someone to help me with my clothing collection (and throw out what doesn't work). Perhaps I need to join a fitness class, as I simply can't do this on my own. As a teacher I work extremely hard during the week and drive far to work too. But getting out will help to make new/more friends and just start doing something for myself for a change! Haven't done this in years!!! I have to think with my head and not my heart. Getting angry will bring me nowhere. Talking and crying and reading my book gives me insight, and I intend to move on, move forward instead of sitting down and feeling sorry for myself. It's just today, but talking to amazing people like you certainly helps. Thanks so much!

Thank you SusanneH. A good suggestion from my husband, which I think is true, is that I shouldn't rush things. I need to give myself enough time for all of this to sink in and to think what it is that I want. I told him that I have always thought of others in my family, not once about myself. And not once did I even look at someone else. I adored my husband even though I had some frustrations at times. I cannot believe my marriage is over. But ALL THE many, many discussions that we've had during the year (2020) helps me to realise that I have to move on. 

Two days ago, my 'wheels' came off completely... I was shattered, down and out, as all the facts that I now get in bit and pieces over the past few days/weeks, add up and make it clear to me that, yip, time to move on. And I had to sort out my classroom the following day and have a team meeting too... I was not up to that at all. And stupidly I thought I could go on a dating website and with nobody interested (yet), I honestly thought my life here is done. I had anxiety after signing up, what was I thinking? I am not ready yet for another relationship, I am just lonely and need to find myself again. Some of my colleagues and I went for a beach picnic today, OH it was wonderful... we also decided to enter our own 'Biggest Loser' compitition and will all weigh in on Tuesday on our teacher-only- day...I thoroughly appreciate this support and feeling of belonging, even though just one of them know what I am going through with hubby at the moment. They all know about my dad, and I am dealing with that, in a different way. Our siblings who live out of S Africa, will have an online memorial service mid Feb, which will be wonderful, but so necessary. I love music and singing so I am going to see where I can get involved in that activity this year. I have put that away for TOO long...I love playing the piano. Anyway, I cancelled the online dating, 3 days later...that wasn't a good move at all. Reading the book "My husband is gay" is helping me A LOT. So many things she describes of what gay hubbies go through before they actually come out, I have seen, but didn't realized, until afterwards. Spot on. As I read through the book, I summarize my own thoughts, especially after my husband and I talked about those things which take time to sink in, hurts me, makes me mad, -yeah it will take time, a lot of time....to get through this and to be a whole new person again. See, I come from a home where parents didn't get along, argued in front of us, for years, and never got along after their divorce. It broke my heart, our family has never been the same, but our siblings stick together. I don't want to do that to our two amazing boys, I still want them to know we are there for them, we can still get together and be crazy, and we STILL love them. I just need to use my head, when making decisions, - over a period of time, -  but give my heart time to heal. The hurt is huge, it's deep, life sometimes doesn't make sense at all..hey?

I am now three and a half years out from moving out, and not yet three years out from divorce.  What you say about what you feeling, what you realizing about your now-ex, and your regret at some of the choices you made to see your ex--in short, the stage you're in--feels familiar to me.

Living on one's own after so many years of marriage (I was married 35 years when I left) is a learning experience.  Not every choice or experiment in figuring out what's right for us will turn out well.  Those instances in which you regret actions you took to see, travel with, or contact your now-ex when you needed help are both part of that learning experience and a reflection that it is still early days for you in building a new support network.  The self-doubt you feel about not having seen it coming is also a normal and a part of the process, but eventually as you grow and develop on your own that practice of castigating or blaming yourself will fade.  In my case self-blame and self-castigation was (and occasionally still is) a product of my fear and self-doubt about my ability to build a satisfying life on my own; I felt that if I couldn't discern the truth about my husband for all those years, what made me think I had what it takes to live on my own. The blows we take are so many, and one of them, for me, was that as the result of realizing that my now-ex had lived a secret life my confidence in my ability to read or judge a situation, or draw a conclusion, took a big hit.  It's important, I think, to remember that we were deceived by somoene who spent a lifetime perfecting that deception, and that we were not the only ones deceived and fooled, whose trust was violated and betrayed; in other words, the failure wasn't ours, it was our spouses' failure to live honestly.  As you say, it is important to remind ourselves that they weren't the people we thought they were; and trying to understand them is ultimately futile (for one thing we're working from a false sense of who they were); what's important is to focus on helping ourselves and our healing, and on our new life.  That seeing your ex interferes with and sets you back on that process makes perfect sense to me.  (I myself can't be around--and don't want to--my ex at all!)

 I see a lot in your post that is positive and that you should celebrate--yes, celebrate!--because it represents your strength and indicates you are capable of acting on your own behalf to heal from what is so very painful: you have realized that in order to heal you must (and more importantly you are able to) set a firm boundary in relation to being in the company of your former spouse; you have recognized that the therapist you had was not a good fit, terminated that therapy, and found another, "amazing," therapist; that you are nurturing friendships with those who are and will constitute a bigger part of your social life and support network; that you have begun to return to what gives you pleasure (reading books, playing piano).  And icing on the case you have done this during the school holidays without the support of a familiar schedule, colleagues, interactions with students, and the satisfaction and validation you derive from teaching.

  You are doing great!  The grief and loneliness you feel is a measure of the love you felt and the investment you made in your marriage, so although it's painful, it's a testament to your character.  The progress you've made in building a new life for yourself despite that grief and the attendant loneliness is indeed hopeful.

  I hope you are able to move with your dog into your own place soon!  

 

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 23, 2021 7:48 am)

My heart breaks for you. I’m in a similar place. 20 years ago I was a very sheltered fundamentalist Christian with abusive parents. I never dated because of the purity ideas and “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”. My husband had conversion therapy as a teen to make him straight, and they told him it would work if he proved his faith by marrying a girl.

Back then, age 23, I felt honored that God chose me to be part of his healing miracle. Plus, I didn’t know what porn was or what gay really meant. My parents and churches didn’t teach us anything because that was seen as evil. I never had sex Ed class because I was homeschooled. I didn’t even really know what sex involved until my wedding night and then it was really weird and strange. I had never watched mainstream movies or TV.

All that to say, this year I’m starting to forgive myself for not knowing what a ridiculous choice I made. I really loved him and he showed me in a million ways he didn’t care about me. He used me. He protected himself. I stood by him when he almost died of cancer in 2018-20. I patented like a single mom because he never attached to our kids - he’s seeing that he never wanted any kids and hates having people need him. Church people kept telling me I felt alone and unloved because I wasn’t submissive enough, but then I got a job in 2020 and I saw that no other women submit even half as much as me! God showed me what a real marriage involves, care and affection without earning them.