"Now I will beat myself up..I'm thinking back and I can only remember a single time I got a semi-sorry.  How could I have allowed that to happen..how forgiving and what low self worth I had.."

Don't be too hard on yourself!🙂 I think we just wanted very much to believe the fairytale. To be the very best partners and parent we could possibly be. And ended up being taken advantage of.

I wish you all the luck getting having your dream come true.

Jk,

My ex was staying out with her girlfriend until 230am.  I used to shake with the betrayal and violation of me. 
As soon as she filed the divorce papers she took off her rings and those became overnights.   Sometimes  she said when she'd be back..it didn't matter; by then I wanted her to stay out..I felt much better with the kids when she was out.
I learned to be on my own..it savored the solitude and time with  kid...away from her rage and abuse.
Things to do..I definitely watch movies I like.  I work on home projects.  I go to the library.
I also go to, get this, yard sales and garage sales..my ex hated those but I enjoy them..great place to find cds and stuff cheap.

Reality is I can do whatever I want now..I just wish I could figure out what that is.

JK,

I've been thinking about your anger and feelings of not knowing exactly what your STBX's place is in your life right now.  And I remember those feelings all too well - it's practically palpable to me.  I think at the core of it is that you are likely feeling taken advantage of.  After all, he gets to participate with his kids and the household at will, and have the single lifestyle when he feels it's convenient..  He is unavailable to help you, and you feel like a single parent in a home where you are essentially allowing a man with a teenage-like mentality to run amok.  If the two of you were in a committed relationship with each other, then yes - this behavior would be totally inappropriate.  And you wouldn't be able to let him continue without resentment.  It would be irresponsible and corrosive to the relationship.  However, you're in limbo, and you're not sure what your viewpoint should be.  Totally understandable.

As I've mentioned, I started seeing my ex doing such things - staying out overnight (oftentimes not telling me ahead of time), and it made me very angry and resentful at that time.  I looked at what I wanted though, and that wasn't a good alternative, either.  If I could have waved a magic wand, would I have wanted him home all the time just like he'd always been, involved with the kids and I?  Not really, because I didn't want us to be one family unit anymore, so that wasn't what I wanted.  The alternative would be to have him available to do stuff around the house, but not be overly involved with the kids - just doing chores and cleaning out the garage and gassing up the car.  That seemed like a good option, except what that meant is that what I really wanted was a maid of some sort, and that's not what I really needed, either.  Plus it meant that it would be harder in the end to detach - for both myself and the kids.  The last option was exactly what he was doing - hanging around sometimes, and sometimes not.  If he would have asked for permission, that would have meant that I was the boss of the relationship, and that seemed odd considering we were both becoming the bosses of our own lives rather than thinking about things from a couple perspective.  In the end, I figured out that while I didn't like what he was doing, there was no really good alternative.  What I wanted was separate lives where I didn't feel taken advantage of or for granted.  That's called divorce - with visitation.  And that's what you're moving toward.

The bottom line is that you can't really have what you want (nor can he) until he moves out.  It'd be nice if he could be respectful and do his fair share in a) bringing in money, b) taking care of the kids and helping around the house, c) making arrangements with you about when he is going out, d) offered you the same back, and e) making decisions with you about spending.  But realistically, he has no reason to do any of that except out of the goodness of his heart.  He's still getting a divorce out of it, in the end.  Which isn't what he wants - at least it's not what he THINKS he wants, anyway.  Nothing he does or doesn't do will alter any of this.  He could try harder to keep you happier so that he doesn't have to hear arguments from you about this stuff.  But why would he do that, when he can just escape to do so?  And he feels you're doing plenty without his permission - you've got control over the union since you're pushing the divorce through.  You've got control over the money (even if there is relatively little to be had) because you're the only one making any.  So he's taking whatever control he can - and all he really has is possession over his own being.  So he's GOING to exercise that.

Just keep reminding yourself that the more he's gone, the better you and the kids can acclimate to life without him in your household.  Think of him more as a visitor when he's there rather than the absentee husband and father you're seeing him as now.  And for goodness sake, set a date for him on when he has to be out by.  At this point, he has zero reason to make any changes to move when you're his preferred option and he's getting away with running around whenever he wants to.  You've got to make it uncomfortable enough for him that he wants out just to get the peace he wants.

Just my $0.02.

Kel

I'm happy to have helped in some small way. My straight ex-wife wanted so badly to remain part of my life...even following disclosure. But this was impossible. We had to decouple, heal, and then plot our own separate paths. In the final stages of our marriage, I threw everything I had at her, and yet she still held on. I came to realize that nothing short of me demanding divorce would end the relationship. We separated two years ago and divorced last year so still early days. She was raised in a broken home with an alcoholic father and manic depressive mother. Her emotional pain threshold was unusually high. She believed that through prayer she could heal illnesses and, later, exorcise my homosexuality. I'm not trying to paint her as deranged, but simply willing to do anything to save our broken relationship. But some pieces simply can't be put back together. So what's my point? My point is the gay spouse often tries to gain some degree of freedom, but all the while remaining in the family home. This didn't work in my case and given what I've read here, the only solution is to separate, divorce, and then heal. For us, we couldn't remain friends but while remaining friendly. I hope that helps in some way. 

Jk .
One thing I always tried to think during my year in hell..
Please remember it is a season..a horrible one but still a season.  It is not forever.  He's living at home with you for now.  He has no job for now.   
I was still humane and kind.  She however made it so hard with her anger and going out..rightly so she found a job and left. 
Give him time but a judge would expect him to get a job..

It does get me angry that these spouses ruin the finances in their gay pursuit.  I agree if there ever was an emergency this is it.
We go into accident/emergency mode while they sit there thinking what emergency..I don't see one.