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1 of 1- LostDad
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My story
I'm not sure where to begin so I'll try to keep it short but I'm still spinning because nothing is resolved and I've been given an impossible choice.
I guess I want to know if anyone has had this happen and did it work out.
My wife of 20 years (27 year relationship) told me 7 months ago she wouldn't come as Bi (we've always knew she was) until I had passed as it wouldn't be fair to me or our kids (4 under 14).
I didn't like that and suggested to be her true self she needed to Experience that part of her.
I told her I was ok with her dating as long as we had certain safety measures in place.
Even though we would describe our new relationship as polyamorous I wasn't to date.
In a month she started dating a good friend. In 2 weeks she started to use the word "Love".
Slowly the safety measures in place started to break down.
Rules changed on the fly and I struggled to keep up.
Promises were broken.
Trust was lost.
It was supposed to be equal between the GF and me.
But it never has been.
Time was the hardest.
We talked about moving in together and live a life like that.
Equal.
Then things changed.
My wife told me a month ago she is Lesbian but she is still physically attracted to me.
But now it has changed again.
She isn't sure how she feels about me physically.
But her and her GF still want us to move in together. To share raising our kids together.
So my choice.
Move in with them and see my kids every day but have to watch the only woman I have ever been intimate with and who has ever loved me go to bed each night with her GF as I go to bed alone.
Or
I walk away and lose a great deal of time with my kids.
Have my finances destroyed and very likely lose my home because I can't afford to continue to rent without her income as well.
It's an impossible choice.
But I've known since the week 2 this is where it would end.
She told me I was wrong.
The GF told me she wouldn't take my wife away.
What do I do???
LostDad
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: My story
LostDad,
[I'm going to leave this response here and with your other post, as it applies in both cases.]
You are a victim and this isn't your fault. Even though you knew she was bi from the get go, you are not the one who initiated this latest conversation. Nor was it your responsibility to check in with your wife periodically to ensure she was happily committed to you. That was her responsibility.
You are so deep in trying to manage the crisis and respond to your wife's moving the goalposts that you have not yet been able, I'm sure, to ask yourself why, after 20 years of marriage, your wife felt it necessary to initiate this conversation now (7 months ago), and, further, why she framed it in terms of "fairness."
Framing the situation as one in which she is being fair to you (and your kids) is a direct invitation to you, a way to subtly suggest to you, that you consider whether her not having a relationship with a women is "fair" to her. Framing it in this way strikes me as manipulation on her part. She didn't come to you and say, "You know I'm bi, and lately I have been feeling as if I would like to explore that part of myself, so could we talk about a polyamorous arrangement or an open marriage?" No. Instead she raises the issue of her sexuality in a way that places her in the position of making a noble sacrifice for you (and your family): "I'm bi, but I will never express that part of myself until you are dead, because it wouldn't be fair to you." Implied in that statement is, "I'm bi, but I will never get to express that part of myself, so I will suffer along, deprived of the ability to fully be who I am." No wonder you responded as you did, by rushing in to meet her implied "noble sacrifice" with one of your own.
I wonder: Why did she raise the issue now in the first place (and in those terms)? It would not surprise me at all if she had already begun a relationship with her friend when she initiated this conversation with you.
You are very right that the person you leaned on and depended on is now causing you pain. And she did so in all deliberateness. Nor do we go to the person who deliberately hurt us for comfort.
Please do not agree to the girlfriend moving into your house until you have seen a lawyer and a therapist. You need to discuss with a lawyer the financial implications of both divorce and a third person in your household, and you need to talk to a therapist about your feelings.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 17, 2022 10:27 am)
- Gloria
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Re: My story
So very sorry that you are going through this. I am not sure if you want full custody of your children or not, but in my opinion, a judge would let you have them if you want to raise them. I wish you the very best of luck.
- MJM017
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Re: My story
Dear LostDad,
Am sorry this happened to you and you find yourself here. If you haven't done this already, please read the first post in this thread -
First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT
This is it in a podcast:
Here's a wonderful checklist written by a male poster whose ex-wife was a bit manipulative in her journey towards coming out as lesbian:
I agree with OutOfHisCloset. This is what I would do (with the caveat of consulting a family law attorney & seeing a therapist who sympathized with you first. You want to follow the letter of the law in the most minute of detail.) After careful deliberation, gf cannot move in. visit or stay overnight because you don't want it. It's your home, too, and you do not want you children exposed to adultery. Again, make sure you consult an attorney before you say this if you choose this route. It's extremely important.
LostDad, it's ok to change your mind. It's ok to set boundaries for the mental health of your children and yourself. You seem to be an honest person who tries to do the right thing. That will always serve you and your children.
My late GIDXH ( in denial to me, but known to him) was duplicitous and manipulative. It was a hard pill to swallow. I understand the pain and confusion. All posters on the board are or have lived through it.
Don't give up hope!
Last edited by MJM017 (January 17, 2022 11:14 am)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Rob
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Re: My story
What? They want you to move in with them?
First know that in terms of your kids there is no "them".. the girlfriend has no rights or privileges to your kids. You will always be their father in this life and the next. (I struggled with this as my GX tried to erase me..like she was a God or doctor who and could rewrite the past as well as the future..these spouses do not have that power).
Please read the first aid thread..know that there is nothing fair here as your heart mind and body are telling you she is wrong...wrong on so many levels.
Please start taking steps for yourself and more importantly your kids...those kids need a strong sane father that is not abused. Legal help is an important step here when your up to it.
Wishing you strength and stoicism..know that you did nothing wrong..just because she coerced you into being hurt does not make her right.
Last edited by Rob (January 17, 2022 1:57 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: My story
LostDad wrote:
I'm not sure where to begin so I'll try to keep it short but I'm still spinning because nothing is resolved and I've been given an impossible choice.
I guess I want to know if anyone has had this happen and did it work out.
The moment you agreed that you were "ok with her dating as long as we had certain safety measures in place." was the moment you can't get back. You gave her permission to do this. We....straightspouses....give our partners/wives/husbands this freedom because we believe it's for the growth of our r'ship, never thinking our SO has an ulterior motive other than to enhance what we as a couple have. Our SOs in this case often think differently, see differently....plan secretly.
Lostdad...you have to start seeing yourself as somebody who will not be treated like an option. The inner you, the man with the emotions has to get a little angry at what's being done to you. Until you're able to clearly comprehend that this will end badly you won't make good decisions.
Your first good decision should be to see a lawyer. Then find a good friend or family member you can trust to keep your confidence as you figure this out
Sometimes I wonder if I had 'been okay' with my partner seeing other men...things may have turned out differently. It gets harder the longer you stay. As it is, along with the new covid-world making anything I do without my partner too hard to contemplate (he's the breadwinner)...I feel stuck in a r'ship that gives me almost everything but denies me the loving trust in a man I believed in.....omg! I reread this and it reads like My partner is out there having a great old time fucking men but I said a solid "no fucking way" to his pathetic attempt to get me to agree and if he is playing around he's doing it in secret, and to be honest I don't really care because we're no longer intimate. I'm just here for the cruisy life his good job affords me/us.
I did see a lawyer, I did see a counselor and I did confide in the people I love.
Do it Lostdad....find a lawyer 
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (January 17, 2022 1:36 pm)
KIA KAHA
- lily
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Re: My story
Lost Dad, I am really sorry to read your story.
The sad thing is I bet you are the parent who can really look after the kids. That you will be endlessly and easily manipulated by her using the kids, quite apart from anything else.
so don't waste time now, be steadfast in your support of your own self. The emotional pain you are in will only get worse the longer you pay her any heed.
When you think about the girlfriend be thankful she is taking your wife off your hands.
she is going to put you through hell over the children whatever you do so don't worry about it too much. my suggestion is to make putting a place together where they can come and be with you the priority. and in immediate terms look for the support you need right now, family is good where possible. Even a visit to the doctor for a general check up helps.
You might be surprised how well you can do just by being without her.
wishing you all the best, Lily