OurPath Open Forum
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1 of 1- awholenewworld
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Day 1
My husband came out to me last night as gay or bi - 70%ish gay he says. We have had a decent sex life but very lacking compared to our best friendship and partnership as we live life and parent 2 kids. I suspected for years. Together for 10 years, having sex for 6 years (waiting til married - both are Christians who grew up in a VERY conservative Christian church and have both been very affected by purity culture and general conservative church constraints on gender and sexuality - no longer in a church but still Christians, questioning everything about what that means). In the past 2 years our sex life declined from sex every 1-2 weeks to about once a month. Last night he said with the pandemic his mental health declined and he started looking at gay porn and masturbating much more regularly, but in his whole life has only watched gay porn in phases as he felt guilty about it and doesn’t like porn in general. We started having frequent general convos about sex and gender and especially it’s context in Christianity around the same time. I recently said that I believed it is fine to be gay / in a gay relationship and Christian. Anyway last night after he came out, I told him that I am also bi. This wasn’t as big a deal for me because on the Kinsey scale I’d say I’m a 2 (and a female) and he’s a male at a 4 or 5 based on what he told me. He was terrified I’d want to leave him and vice versa, but neither of us want that as we love our life together. We already feel so much more open together. And we immediately had sex afterwards lol but I think that happened because besides us both feeling more open and relieved he briefly showed me the gay porn account he regularly watches in order to be more transparent with me. I believe him that he wants to stay together - he is loyal, respectful, and wonderful. I don’t think he’ll blindside me but I fear that in 10 or so years he’ll realize he can’t be fully satisfied. I feel very loved but I do feel a void too because physicality with my one (male) ex was much more satisfying and easy than with my husband and I never knew why. I have access to all of our bank accounts and stuff like that so I don’t think he’ll take everything and run away. I just want to know who can relate to any part of this. It’s going to be hard to trust him fully even though I do know him and know his character still. And I don’t think we’d ever be comfortable with an open relationship as Christians and also just because it seems way too complicated. Part of me wants to be like just watch gay porn and masturbate when you want to but that also feels super weird to affirm as a Christian. Okay the end. Thanks for listening <3
- Daryl
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Re: Day 1
Hi there, there is a subforum here for people actively working on mixed orientation marriages (MOM). It's not overly busy but there may be regulars who check it without leaving posts behind. You will also see a post about a reddit community that might be helpful to you. I have no experience in maintaining a MOM but I am certain it requires 100% communication and honesty. I would also suggest being mindful of the possible effects of porn. Use of porn as a couple is very different from using it as a private outlet. Although it might provide temporary relief, I think it's possible that prolonged use might lead to stress. Particularly if any sort of open relationship is off the table.
(Edit - just want to say I'm not trying to discourag you from posting. Just be aware that many of the people who post in the regular support channel may now be out of their relationship or are planning to be so. We do listen, even if your path isn't the same one we decided to take.)
Be well.
Last edited by Daryl (January 10, 2022 1:29 pm)
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- awholenewworld
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Re: Day 1
Thank you so much for responding! Labels still feel very fluid because this just rocked my world yesterday. I have already read a lot of past posts and appreciate everyone’s perspectives, since I have no idea how this will turn out for me. It’s not my intention to post out of context for the majority of people here. I also realized I might not be accepted because I am “mostly straight” but not 100%. Anyway, I really appreciate the response, and yes I definitely think the psychology of porn is really complicated and I have no idea how it will apply here. I would like it to be out of the picture but it does seem like it would be a better alternative to an open relationship, but who really knows.
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Thread Starter- walkbymyself
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Re: Day 1
You will be accepted here; the issue for us tends to be the adjustment: from the marriage you thought you had, to the one you're suddenly asked to adapt to.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- lily
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Re: Day 1
Hi,
yes, I think you are right to feel concerned - sexual attraction feels so important for human happiness.
the Kinsey scale doesn't really apply to straights, we always feel 100%. It was a lot easier for you to have sex with a straight man, he is feeling attracted to you.
With a percentage like 70% I think that means your H is very much feeling his attraction to men. I am wondering if you watched any gay porn for women? that might help you both to gain a clearer perspective.
- jamieblunt
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Re: Day 1
i would say when men tell you how much porn they do or don't do its a bit like when someone asks them how many ladies they have slept with when they are young, and they say twenty when they mean zero, or the old adage that 95% of men masturbate the other 5% lie. if he has a regular account then he watches plenty of porn and will get off on it, but porn is very transient unless you have an addiction and its only a quick win satisfaction with no real lasting benefit, i have nothing against porn except the nasty stuff.
anyhow my wife came out as Bi in the summer but it quickly moved on to lesbian within two months, i think she was just softening the blow for both of us but all it did was hold me back by two months trying/waiting to see if i had a marriage left, i don't and we are now getting divorced even though its amicable as much as it can be, my son did the same thing and came out as Bi ,we both accepted that immediately then the next day he said he was gay, and again immediate acceptance,
i don't hate my wife because she has blown up our marriage or the fact she is gay, my frustrations are passing until she moves out as she is very much like a teenager immersing herself in her new culture and doing the bare minimum in the house as a co-parenting unit, i was out doing the weekly shop just now and she left before i went out to do whatever she does away from us, then an issue arose and she was texting me to sort things out when i was in the middle of the supermarket, i told her to act like a parent and sort it, as i was busy doing other bits of the co-parenting she hasn't done for months now.
I am giving no advice as i tried to initiate a mixed marriage and for about 6 weeks she gave warm words and encouragement that we could try but then it fell flat on its face.
I am moving on and hopefully will remain good friends but i jsut dont want to be with her anymore and vice versa.
good luck with it all