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January 7, 2022 7:34 pm  #1


Not sure at all. Please read this long story and leave your opinions.

Together for 19years married 14years. Sex stopped as soon as I got pregnant 13years ago. Post partum, I had zero desire and husband didn't seem to want to pressure me or he felt out of place with my mother role and moving countries etc.. was a complicated time. He also had a health problem involving his anus within those 2years and became even more distant. Which I understand, as I was the one who helped him use the bathroom, cleaned the stitches,changed bandages blah blah.. he didn't feel good about himself during and after. Like men who lose sexual interest in their wife after seeing them give birth, he thought I had the same trauma. Although I never felt disgusted or put off as it was natural and obvious I would be taking care of him .
Fast forward, we had practically zero sex for 13years. A few times here and there only when I initiated. He never touched, showed affection. He never held my hand, kissed or hugged me. Yes, our son was always with us and husband has a problem being intimate with him in the house.
Recently our teenage son discovered Grindr on his fathers phone early in the morning. He came to me directly. He is very innocent for a 12year old, had no idea what it was other than dad was exchanging genital pictures with strangers.I had no idea what it was either. Never been exposed or interested in gay culture so it all seemed so foreign to me. Calmed my son and told him daddy is joking with friends. Like little boys joke about penises and poop and laugh about it. Sent him back to sleep and instructed to put daddy's phone back in place. I looked up what Grindr was and to my shock it is what it is. Husband woke up later and behaved as if everything was fine. I was already in a state of shock but didn't want him to know we found out. Kept on with my day and put on a straight face. Kept an eye on his behavior for a few more weeks. He would hide his phone when I suddenly enter the room, change the app to something else. I took my time and started snooping while he was in the shower or cleaning. I found many messages, all slightly different in context. Wanting blowjobs, wanting to hook up, asking for threesomes with another man he chatted with, male prostitutes, that he is bi, that he is younger, asking for explicit details of other men having sex etc. But nothing indicating he ever met anyone, Since covid he works fully from home and never goes out without me so I believe he never actually had an encounter. This went on for another month. Husband seemed to notice I was nervous and agitated but had no clue what I discovered. One day, my son and I had to go out on our own for an hour or so. I immeditately checked his app when I had the chance. He messaged some of the men for a quickie in his car at 4pm which was when we were to be away. I cancelled the appointment. (Also there were contant facebook notification which was not of his name or account. A mans name without a profile.) Husband had no sign of disapointment or any change. That night after son was in bed I asked if he was gay. He groaned oh god no, started crying. Sobbing. Said he is sorry. Said it was because he hated the way he looked, that we had no sex, that he felt like a loser. He wanted valdiation of some sort, he naver acted out but thought doing it with a man wasn't really cheating. It would be less bad to me. Said he never been with a man before and it was also out of curiosity. Told me to take everything I wanted and leave if I wanted to. That he is ashamed and hates himself for hurting me. That he loves me. He never cheated on me for real.
Well, I forgave and stayed. Or couldnt process so gave up. He deleted the app. We are better at being intimate. He shows affection. We even had sex a few times . But I still have vivid images of his texts in my mind the entire time. By the way I downloaded Grindr before he deleted it and saved him as a favorite to check on his activities. Keep checking if he ever logged on again. No. It was all good. Extra facebook account has been disactivated or he turned off notifications.
Then I had to travel abroad for a few weeks. When I was there, suspicion grew and had to check if he was using the app in my absence. No. Until a week later. He was logged on in the middle of the night. Only for an hour or so, then deleted the app. I did not tell him I knew he used it again. I returned and still kept my mouth shut. He is still being intimate than he was before but less than after confrontation. Turned down sex several times with excuses of his age, fatigue. Less motivated to be engaged into the act itself too.
My snooping continued. This time I checked his facebook messenger. Nothing out of ordinary but I fell upon a chat with an old friend from 2016. He traveled a lot for work to this friends country back then. In 2013 They spent a week together sightseeing and the friend was the tourguide. I know they stayed in hotels together. He told me so. That this friend was so kind and took him to amazing places but he had to share a room with him often because tourism was at its peak and no extra rooms were available. Many of husbands sent messages were deleted but the replies were there. One was 'wake me up when u r'.' Bulge? Haha dont know' and my husband replying 'made me think of certain nice things'. And some just 'yes? No?' And the rest deleted. Cannot figure out what that could mean. He went back to this country a zillion times for work and I tagged along a few times too. I met this friend and nothing felt off at all. The rest of their messages were still there but plainly asking to meet for lunch or asking info for work.
Another fishy thing I found was emails to an old collegue who moved to abother country. He was married with children. He stopped contacting us since he moved away. My husband has been almost at the verge of harrassing him via email to get back in touch and this collegue replies that husband is too persistant and getting on his nerves. Told husband to follow his instagram if he is that desperate but stop emailing. Husband keeps writing he misses him, what did he do wrong, why is he not being a friend anymore. I have never seen my husband cling on to a guy he worked with so much. Especially when the other party wants none of it. They were not even that close when working together.
That is as far as my investigation has gone. I am tempted to ask the travel buddy if he can screenshot his facebook messenger chat from 2016 and send it to me. Even if my husband deleted his sent messages the friend cannot delete what was sent to him. And if he slept or had sexual connection with my husband. I am tempted to email this ex collegue to ask if something happened between them which was inappropriate that makes him avoid my husband.
Do you think my husband is gay? Or is he bi? Or just has true bromances?
I have not found any other toys or unusal things. Condoms are kept in a box. We never had sex so they all expired. Nothing has been touched in that box since 2009. Dusty and all there like the last time I opened it.I know my  husband only uses a certain model from a certain brand and that is not available in the country we live in nor the country he visits. He is home most of the time and always told me if he had an unexpected dinner or meeting when he was working in the office with proof.
He had many female relationships and I have met most of them. They all say their relationship was great and stayed friends. He had several female friends with benefits too. Whom I met as well. He has many gay friends and not at all homophobic. He has always been into fashion, art, music, gardening, antiques, grooming. But that is normal in Europe. Found a couple of oldschool porn tapes long long ago but not gay porn. He does not use his computer to watch porn. He does not go to the gym. He does not shave his body or manscape. He has not been sexually abused, had a good childhood in a stable home with loving parents and grandparents. No history of substance abuse or addiction. Doesnt enjoy alcohol but loved going to bars and nightclubs. Which he stopped because I absolutely hate it.
He has been a good husband besides the absence of sex. He says I have to initiate even though he used to be the enthusiastic one. He never expressed any kind of desire for intimacy after our son was conceived.
Should I be concerned or am I being too suspicious? Was it really what he explained? Just a slump and he needed an exit? Did he already have sex with men but is putting on his poker face? I had no idea he was on that app until our son found out. He said it was only a month or so he used it. I found photos he took of himself to send out which were taken months before so it makes me doubt it was only for a month. I am always stressed and nervous. Losing weight and chewing my lips and hands till it bleeds. It is impacting my son gravely. He is starting to show anger and hate towards his father for making me unwell. Becoming too protective of me too. Wakes up in the middle of the night to check if I am breathing, hugs me all the time, grades are going down and he refuses to do anything but be home to check what his father is up to. Please let me know your thoughts. Help me get through this turnmoil. I know he will deny being gay or having had gay sex if I confront him again without solid proof yet to be found.

 

January 7, 2022 8:30 pm  #2


Re: Not sure at all. Please read this long story and leave your opinions.

Hi,

I think your son is telling you what you need to do.  

I think your husband is clearly gay.

and from reading your post I think you are caught in an abusive relationship.  

I think you are right not to confront him, you've already tried that once.

If you post this on Sean's thread, which is in this section, he will hopefully see it and reply in detail as to why the man is gay as a rainbow and not being kind to you.

Me I just want to say how mean it is of him to blame his lack of desire for you on your giving birth.  words fail me, or rather I just come up with swear words!

wishing you all the best, Lily

 

January 7, 2022 9:39 pm  #3


Re: Not sure at all. Please read this long story and leave your opinions.

Hello lostintranslation,

I'm sorry you find yourself here. In my opinion your husband is gay and cheating on you with men.  His gay sexual orientation is the one and only reason he's not interested in you. I'm with Lily at having just swear words for your husband's so-called reasons.

There are plenty of ways to cover your online activities with a little knowledge of how browsers work. It's easy to delete and reinstall apps on smartphones daily. Grindr's not the only gay hookup  app around. I wouldn't assume you've uncovered all details.  You may want to take a breather from looking to calm down though. This is difficult and shocking for you and your son.   

Do you have any friends or family you trust to seek support from? Do you have a therapist and/or a member of the clergy you can confide in? This is not a burden you should carry alone.  Here's a link to the personal support page where an Our Path volunteer will contact you with 48 business hours - https://ourpath.org/personal-support/

They can help with support as well.

Here's a link to the thread Lily spoke of. Sean is a gay man who was in the closet for many years.  He responds fairly quickly and thoroughly.

https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic_mobile.php?pid=32937#p32937

He was an interview subject for one of Our Path's podcasts. 
https://ourpath.org/ourpath_podcast/s4-ep-3-a-narcissist-in-recovery-gets-real/

Also, please post here if you have any questions or concerns or need to vent.

All of us have been in your shoes. I was in a long term sexless marriage where I was blamed and abused for my husband's issues, one of which was his gay sexual orientation.  I divorced him. That turned out to be the best antidote for my miserable marriage.  That's not the resolution some reach. The divorce has led to a better life for me though.

Take good care of yourself and your son.
Maria

Edited to add- What straight man goes on Grindr because he doesn't find his wife appealing. Did the world run out of women?  Did you go on the lesbian version of Grindr because you were in a sexless marriage? I am guessing no. I never have because I don't want to.  I'd rather see some good looking male rock star on a YouTube video.

You've got proof he's not straight.  His gaslighting is making you doubt the obvious. Again, very sorry this is happening.

Last edited by MJM017 (January 8, 2022 1:26 am)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

January 7, 2022 10:28 pm  #4


Re: Not sure at all. Please read this long story and leave your opinions.

Welcome to our Forum Lost

Do you like the person you've become? The snooping, suspiciousness, the questions you have to ask? The confusion about the r'ship? The intense interest in a man you should trust and believe in?

When your head finally catches up with your heart... you may see your marriage (and your life) has become a question only you can answer.

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

January 8, 2022 5:12 am  #5


Re: Not sure at all. Please read this long story and leave your opinions.

Thank you all very much. I was hoping you would all say he is just going through midlife crisis but I guess I am just as stupid as I was to believe him when he denied.
I will not confront him or be more paranoid than I am now. After I posted here, I slept well for the first time in months. It was like lifting weights off my chest. Maybe it was writing it down instead of questioning in my head that helped.
I cannot speak to family yet, they are from another country ,culture and homosexuals are not widely accepted in society. I will be taken care of but shamed all my life for choosing a gay man to marry. Even though I was the one who was betrayed.
I have no friends here. Husband and son are the only people I have to communicate with. I am living in my husbands country so separation and coparenting will be a huge issue for me. I lose my rights to remain in this country if we divorce and being a full time mom without income my whole adult life, husband will be given full custody. Being gay is not a reason for divorce here. He did not commit adultery with proof. Judges will not give a foreigner a upper hand with a maybe gay, maybe not, may have cheated spouse. I cannot afford to rent or buy anything nearby as we live in one of the most expensive cities in the world in terms of real estate. Whew... thought the closet gay issue was bad but at least that was just in my mind. Reality is harsh.
I will investigate a bit more. He will hide it but once my attitude changes and look fine as before , he will slip and make a mistake. He is due to travel again next month with another 'friend'.

     Thread Starter
 

January 8, 2022 8:53 am  #6


Re: Not sure at all. Please read this long story and leave your opinions.

Thank you Lily. I did feel terrible he didn't love me more after having a child. Maybe seeing me pregnant was a wake up call for him that I was actually a woman. I have very short hair and no curves, look like a boy from far away. He was so distant during the entire pregnancy and birth. Never touched my growing belly or showed interest in the human he created inside. Nor did he come to checkups or look at ultrasounds pictures. Gave me depression that wasn't treated. Overcame on my own through exercise and better sleep but still deeply scarred from the experience that I never wanted to have more children. Obviously no sex leads to no babies so that was a done deal.

Huabands rectum health problem was odd. He never had bowel problems before, nor constipation. We never did anal sex or pegging. Doctor said it is common among men to develop fistulas in that area who drink heavily and have a bad diet. Neither applies to my husband. I wonder now if the infection was caused by unprotected sex performed there which was only a few months after the trip with his friend he shared a room with.



lily wrote:

Hi,

I think your son is telling you what you need to do.  

I think your husband is clearly gay.

and from reading your post I think you are caught in an abusive relationship.  

I think you are right not to confront him, you've already tried that once.

If you post this on Sean's thread, which is in this section, he will hopefully see it and reply in detail as to why the man is gay as a rainbow and not being kind to you.

Me I just want to say how mean it is of him to blame his lack of desire for you on your giving birth.  words fail me, or rather I just come up with swear words!

wishing you all the best, Lily

     Thread Starter
 

January 8, 2022 10:35 am  #7


Re: Not sure at all. Please read this long story and leave your opinions.

Hi Lost, you are not stupid. You thought you could trust your partner to be honest with you. That's one of the main parts of a true marriage. From your posts, it sounds like you have few options at this time. If you cannot change your situation, you will need to find a way to preserve your health, both physically and mentally until you have more options before you. It's also important that you find a way to help your son. He is too young for the concerns he has taken on in order to 'defend you'.

Wishing you strength.
 


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

January 8, 2022 11:34 am  #8


Re: Not sure at all. Please read this long story and leave your opinions.

okay, so what you will find is you have been gaslighted from the start and have been absorbing a lot of his blame-shifting.  meanwhile his lack of desire for you is the elephant in the room that no one sees but it is sure making a mess of the carpet - your self esteem is shot to pieces.  

You've gone from saying he lost desire for you from giving birth to saying I don't have curves.  Ask a man who is straight.  He would run a hand over your body and be excited by it.  He is not going to be complaining.

You even suggest it's your fault there was no sex and no more babies due to being traumatised from his response to your motherhood.  see what a massive blame shift has happened.  it's your fault even when you are saying he hurt you.

This is the classic straight spouse experience.  we can all relate.  There you are on the floor getting a kicking and slowly you realise you need to get away but you are so shattered from the abusive relationship how can you possibly move.  

Somewhere though, you found the confidence to track his activities, find this site, write your story down and then post it.  I bet you slept well afterwards!  that is a lot to achieve.  give yourself lots of hugs.

When I read your story I feel concern for your son.  I don't think he can un-see what he saw on that phone any more than he can un-feel what he feels.  I think it is telling that he came to you with it, not his father.

 

January 8, 2022 4:58 pm  #9


Re: Not sure at all. Please read this long story and leave your opinions.

You are 100% correct on my son came to me instead of asking his father about Grindr. They have a close bond and hang out a lot together so there was no reason for my son to run to me in tears. His instinct told him that dad was up to no good.
Going to spend more time with him quietly and explain how things could end.






lily wrote:

okay, so what you will find is you have been gaslighted from the start and have been absorbing a lot of his blame-shifting.  meanwhile his lack of desire for you is the elephant in the room that no one sees but it is sure making a mess of the carpet - your self esteem is shot to pieces.  

You've gone from saying he lost desire for you from giving birth to saying I don't have curves.  Ask a man who is straight.  He would run a hand over your body and be excited by it.  He is not going to be complaining.

You even suggest it's your fault there was no sex and no more babies due to being traumatised from his response to your motherhood.  see what a massive blame shift has happened.  it's your fault even when you are saying he hurt you.

This is the classic straight spouse experience.  we can all relate.  There you are on the floor getting a kicking and slowly you realise you need to get away but you are so shattered from the abusive relationship how can you possibly move.  

Somewhere though, you found the confidence to track his activities, find this site, write your story down and then post it.  I bet you slept well afterwards!  that is a lot to achieve.  give yourself lots of hugs.

When I read your story I feel concern for your son.  I don't think he can un-see what he saw on that phone any more than he can un-feel what he feels.  I think it is telling that he came to you with it, not his father.

     Thread Starter
 

January 8, 2022 9:12 pm  #10


Re: Not sure at all. Please read this long story and leave your opinions.

Lost, I have read your posts here and on Sean's thread also.

My gxh abused me the same way - everything wrong all the time.  It is a very cruel way to treat someone you promised to love.  It is soul-destroying and makes you feel utterly worthless and helpless. 

We are here to tell you that you are none of those things.  You have been a faithful, supportive and hard-working wife, given your husband a a beautiful son, kept a lovely home and paid attention to his every need and want. In spite of his cruelty you have stuck with it day in and day out.

But we all reach a breaking point.  It is often when what our spouse is doing starts to badly affect our children.  Your son loves you and wants to protect you - what a beautiful thing to see in a boy on the edge of adolescence.

You are not helpless, Lost. If you start focusing on getting you and your son away from this toxic lying cheating man (rather than focusing on how hopeless it seems) you will begin to see possibilities.

Could you talk to your family and see if they can offer you a place to stay if you came home? Can you quietly plan what you would need if you and your son left? While your husband is away, can you gather information about your finances? Can your family help you get a bank account in your home country where you can deposit money? If you have access to your passports and money or credit card, can you wait until your husband leaves on a 'work' trip then pack what you need plus the info you have gathered and as much money as you can, and get you and your son on the next flight home to your family?
Does your son have right of residency in your home country so he can live there legally longer term? Can you talk to a lawyer and start divorce proceedings from your home country?

If your family will help you - even if they don't understand and are sometimes unkind - that is better than where you are now.  With time you can find work and become independent of them, making a home for your son and yourself.

Just start thinking about the possibilities.  That is how I started - just by thinking about getting free rather than coping with being trapped. 

You have lived and brought up a son competently and successfully in a foreign country, with a difficult husband who often is not there. You are full of courage, determination and resourcefulness.  You are formidable - your son needs you to use that strength. And you deserve better.

Last edited by Soaplife (January 8, 2022 9:49 pm)

 

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