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December 16, 2021 1:13 pm  #21


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

Thank you, Gloria.  A response makes me feel less alone.  I am sorry you had that experience; but Iam grateful to hear from you.  Counseling session two today.  What a way to negotiate the holidays!

 

December 16, 2021 4:58 pm  #22


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

Hi M, yes we do end up feeling very alone.  And for me, after a lifetime married to a pretend husband who didn't want children after moving across the planet to live in his home country Australia and then getting divorced at 59, I am still more alone than is good for me but that feeling of being alone eased enormously as I drew away from my ex.

I can see it now.  Why there is this commonality of experience of feeling alone in the marriage - it's the loss of self that we are experiencing.  We're lonely for ourself, if that makes any sense to you.

And it's more than that.  It's not just that you are misbelieving yourself.  So's everyone else, gaslighting is a public affair, you're being misrepresented to everyone.

Good for you addressing it sooner rather than later.

wishing you all the best, Lily





 

 

December 17, 2021 4:24 pm  #23


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

M8&M9 wrote:

  His walk sounds like a woman's walk - suppose that sounds weird, but it is a different walk.

Hello M8&M9,
It's not weird at all. My late GIDXH had a gait like that when we first met. It set off my gaydar.  He hid it most of the time except when upset or excited.

M8&M9 wrote:

  I have refused participation in his crossdressing, not that I did not try.  The s**t hit the fan when I borrowed his phone to take pictures at a family event.  He had selfies of him in nighties.  That was not surprising, but when I tried to forward the family pics to my email, an odd email popped up.  I asked him who this stranger was.  It was his alter ego, a place for him to send his selfies.  I have no idea where he goes online.  He told me it was my fault because I was not responsive enough, especially with the crossdressing.  Thus the ultimatum.  I am a senior citizen, married five years to him, and not doing well with this journey.  I must figure things out soon for my sanity.

Am so sorry this happened to you.  I had a 20+ year long marriage to a GID. I wanted out sooner than I could safely leave.  I divorced in my early 50s. It was painful and expensive, but worth being away from a cheater (sex addiction) and abuser. It was the best thing that ever happened to that marriage.

You may wish to read this over if you haven't already -
First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT
https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1217

You may want to start your own thread to get more support during this difficult time. OutofHisCloset went through something similar. You may wish to read through her old posts for insight.

Lastly, you may wish to read "The Secret Sexual Basement" by Omar Minwalla, PhD. It's a great resource explaining the adverse effects we suffer due to a partner's hidden sex addiction -

https://secureservercdn.net/72.167.241.180/226.c7e.myftpupload.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/The-Secret-Sexual-Basement_2_12_21.pdf

Post when you need and want to. We've been through the wringer with this too.

Take care,
Maria







 

Last edited by MJM017 (December 17, 2021 4:42 pm)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

December 17, 2021 9:42 pm  #24


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

M8&M9,

  If he's like my ex, your husband's eyes sparkle when he's crossdressed because he's in love with himself, and sexually excited by himself, when acting as a woman.  It's a sexual paraphilia, autogynephilia ["the love of oneself as a woman"], and is a sexual orientation--to the self.

  Your spouse may be blaming you, but that's pure bunkum blameshifting.  You, and nothing you may have done, or not done, are not responsible for his behavior.  He is wired this way, however his shame about it tries to make it your problem.

 I found it impossible to live with, although like you, I tried.  

  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 18, 2021 10:32 am)

 

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