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December 12, 2021 10:31 am  #11


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

PrairieBorn wrote:

I will post my story and epiphanies on other threads later as I think it all through because I do think it is helpful for all of us to read about each other's situations.

I think he is hiding behind our relationship, and I think also from himself his whole life(he's turning 50 next year). Yes, I have been a Beard this whole time to a man who can't accept that he is probably gay/maybe bi/potentially trans??? All I know for a fact is that he is definitely not straight, and being anything else definitely scares the crap out of him. I know this in my bones. It's been like living with an alien creature or a strange life form that you're trying to figure out but just can't quite put your finger on it. Can't see the forest because of the trees, ha ha!

...I'm sending big love and support out to each and every one of you dealing with these crazy-making situations. We are all brave souls, onward ho!

PrairieBorn, I highly recommend that you start your own thread. It can be helpful to collect everything into one place for easy review. I'm not sure what your thoughts are but I would caution entering marriage until things are more certain. The question marks here are many. Marriage may place him in a situation where he feels less 'pressure to perform' but put you in an empty space.

Last edited by Daryl (December 12, 2021 10:32 am)


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

December 12, 2021 11:39 pm  #12


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

Daryl thank you so much for your response and valuable advice. I agree with you wholeheartedly, marriage is out of the question for me considering my gut feeling of the circumstance. I do love and care for him very much, however, but have made my peace with the uncomfortable truth of our relationship. Figuring out my next step in all of this is the hard part simply because I have no hard evidence, only my intuition to go by. I will take your advice to start my own thread soon, forums are completely new to me. Thanks to you all for helping my fog to clear!

 

December 13, 2021 3:29 pm  #13


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

Hi Prairie,  I think one of the difficulties we have in understanding our GID partners is that it is foreign to our nature.

Once I realised he was hiding being gay I thought oh it will be better now because he can be open with me.

oops!  walked straight over the thought - how could he have hidden this from me all this time?

Really after a little while I stopped being predictive and just watched a new person emerge out of the fictional one I had married.

The person you met was an act, the one you are going to meet over this next little while is the one who has always been there - running an act.  and this is not going to stop.  he is different to the way you imagined him to be because he is different to you.  Can you imagine keeping something like that hidden from your loved one?  and yet there he is doing it like it's bread and butter, as easy as falling off a log.  year after year, second after second.  in the bedroom and in public.

One day a friend came to visit.  I was supposed to have given up smoking, but when she came in she smelt the smoke and I denied it, but I'm sure I smelt it, oh it must have come from outside, I denied it three times.  Then I saw the look of confusion on her face.  She was starting to believe me and consequently doubting herself, her own true observations, and it was hurting her.  I came clean and started saying sorry.  That's the best I can understand it.  He does something that causes hurt and he watches that and he keeps doing it.

Self doubt is not good for you.  The basics, when your basic perception is denied and you believe it then you lose trust in yourself.

Last edited by lily (December 13, 2021 3:33 pm)

 

December 13, 2021 9:49 pm  #14


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

lily wrote:

.....One day a friend came to visit.  I was supposed to have given up smoking, but when she came in she smelt the smoke and I denied it, but I'm sure I smelt it, oh it must have come from outside, I denied it three times.  Then I saw the look of confusion on her face.  She was starting to believe me and consequently doubting herself, her own true observations, and it was hurting her.  I came clean and started saying sorry.  That's the best I can understand it.  He does something that causes hurt and he watches that and he keeps doing it....

That's such a good explanation Lily
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

December 14, 2021 8:16 am  #15


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

Lily wrote:
"Once I realised he was hiding being gay I thought oh it will be better now because he can be open with me.


oops!  walked straight over the thought - how could he have hidden this from me all this time?:


Also brilliant!  That first sentence describes the way many, many of us on the Forum have reported feeling when we are still mired in denial and grasping for hope.  The second describes what our subsequent realization after we discover that our first thoughts, and the "honeymoon" after disclosure, don't pan out and reality sets in.

 

 

December 14, 2021 5:08 pm  #16


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

thanks, these are very nice comments to get.  thank you.

 

December 15, 2021 12:11 am  #17


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

My husband and I began counseling last week after I gave an ultimatum.  I refuse to go through another year like the last one.  My husband is a crossdresser and, from my perspective, a sex addict.  He is happier in ladies' nighties than he ever is with me.  His eyes sparkle and there is joy in his carriage.  His walk sounds like a woman's walk - suppose that sounds weird, but it is a different walk.  I have refused participation in his crossdressing, not that I did not try.  The s**t hit the fan when I borrowed his phone to take pictures at a family event.  He had selfies of him in nighties.  That was not surprising, but when I tried to forward the family pics to my email, an odd email popped up.  I asked him who this stranger was.  It was his alter ego, a place for him to send his selfies.  I have no idea where he goes online.  He told me it was my fault because I was not responsive enough, especially with the crossdressing.  Thus the ultimatum.  I am a senior citizen, married five years to him, and not doing well with this journey.  I must figure things out soon for my sanity.

 

December 16, 2021 9:08 am  #18


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

My heart goes out to you. My ex gay boyfriend dresses in woman's clothes (I never saw this but was told about it)  When I broke up with him, he still would not admit that he is gay. He's 77 and will never come out. I am glad that your husband agreed to counseling and I wish you the best.

 

December 16, 2021 1:13 pm  #19


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

Thank you, Gloria.  A response makes me feel less alone.  I am sorry you had that experience; but Iam grateful to hear from you.  Counseling session two today.  What a way to negotiate the holidays!

 

December 16, 2021 4:58 pm  #20


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

Hi M, yes we do end up feeling very alone.  And for me, after a lifetime married to a pretend husband who didn't want children after moving across the planet to live in his home country Australia and then getting divorced at 59, I am still more alone than is good for me but that feeling of being alone eased enormously as I drew away from my ex.

I can see it now.  Why there is this commonality of experience of feeling alone in the marriage - it's the loss of self that we are experiencing.  We're lonely for ourself, if that makes any sense to you.

And it's more than that.  It's not just that you are misbelieving yourself.  So's everyone else, gaslighting is a public affair, you're being misrepresented to everyone.

Good for you addressing it sooner rather than later.

wishing you all the best, Lily





 

 

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