I have been struggling with wanting all the answers. My STBX husband told me "And by the way I am gay" last year on the 29th of August after being together for 42 years and married for 38 years. I asked him to tell me all the details in order for me to have a better understanding of whether the marriage can be solved. He told me that he has been watching gay porn for many years and started hooking up with men a year prior to telling me that he is gay. He also told me that he is in love with two men and is struggling to make a choice( he chose the 40 year old basically illiterate man who is now completely dependent on him financially and otherwise). He moved out in October 2020 and his now boyfriend moved in with him. We have been in business together since 1994 and I was innocent enough to pay my salary into his account every month and all our investments, pension funds etc. are also in his name only. I never thought that I would end up getting divorced at the age of 60! We are married out of community of property which means that I am not entitled to any of his assets, despite working extremely long hours to build our business together. He now wants me to physically manage one of our businesses' which means that I would be in contact with him every day. At this stage I am managing all the finances and a large rental book for our companies. I have been able to work from home for the five past years. At first I thought I will be able to manage the company, but after some more verbal abuse by him, I realized that the only way I am going to get through this is by having no or as little as possible contact with him. This was confirmed by my psychologist. I also thought that I wanted more answers from him. My STBX did make an appointment for us at his therapist, but when I spoke to my psychologist she said I must first do a session with his therapist on my own. I am so relieved that I listened to her! I have realized that any additional information will most probably only hurt me and and cause me to regress emotionally. The facts are that he has known that he is gay for a long time, he has emotionally abused me basically throughout our whole marriage and I can't solve anything by having more information. He has checked out of our marriage long ago and the last few years were spent grooming our friends and children by telling them what a bad person I am. I was completely oblivious. The only way I can heal is by having no contact. I have a very good attorney, therapist and support from my children and friends. Sorry for this long rant. I just want to warn that more information is not always the answer.

Hello oliviap, Am sorry you went through this. None of us deserve this treatment.  Agree that no contact will free you from your STBX's continued manipulation of your mind and money.

Many of these spouses, including my late GIDXH, choose a debased, vice-filled life. It was a surprise and shock when I discovered the truth about his cheating and popper abuse (amyl nitrate). I am so far removed from those behaviors that it sickens me to think of it. It doesn't help me to dwell on it either.

You are smart to have a great support team to back you. I sincerely hope everything works out in your favor.

Best,
Maria