It's an interesting dynamic between the different meanings associated with the word victim.  on the one hand there's all the users walking round claiming to be victims needing a hand and on the other hand so many of the actual victims don't want to complain and don't til their hair's on fire.

Personally I have no problem with saying I was a victim of a fraud.  That it was ongoing, that increasingly he used me as a scratching post for his ill humour.

I like the way you make the point that being a victim is not the definition of who you are, Towards the Light.  

Thanks Walkby for confirming that correlation to physical symptoms, I experienced that too, and I agree with Soaplife, excellent analysis.



 

Tangled Oil,
    If I recall, you've said your husband has never acted on his bisexuality and hasn't expressed a wish to open the marriage to do so.  Plus, bisexuality is very different than homosexuality or transgenderism.  Your husband's bisexuality doesn't mean he isn't attracted to you (TGT).  It doesn't mean that for years he wouldn't have sex with you and tried to make you think you were the problem (TGT).  It doesn't mean that your husband doesn't want to be either a man or a husband to you (TTT). I think that's a very different situation than most of the rest of us.

Victim no.  Betrayed yes, not only by my wife of 20 years and who I thought I was to continue to grow old with but also by a society that celebrates the "bravery" of homosexuals coming out regardless of the harm they do to their spouses and family.  Left in a financial and emotional mess not of my making, yes.   Overall I felt like society was treating my son and I's destroyed lives were just a byproduct of serving the perceived "greater woke purpose" of my stbx coming out and living as a lesbian.   Victim No.    Piece of trash tossed to the side of the road, yes for a long time but not anymore.  Empowered,  yes.   I'm still standing and moving forward and I don't care what she thinks and what society believes anymore. 

Last edited by Charting My Path (December 2, 2021 11:35 pm)

Momoftwo wrote:

New to website, but I am so depressed and lonely. I was married for 34 years and my husband did not have sex with me for over 27 years of the marriage. I chose to ignore it don't ask me why. Low self esteem is all I can say. He recently died from a heart attack at 61 years and at his funeral it was a lot of gay men who chose not to talk to me. I am sad and depressed and hoping this forum can help me accept the passing of my husband who I am thinking didn't love me and I because of my Catholic faith chose to look the other way.

Hello.  I feel your pain.  My husband and I were only married for 6 years, it was a second marriage for both of us.  I found out after he died that he was bisexual and had been having sex with men since he was in his early 20s.  I also chose to ignore the lack of sex.  My husband died from a cardiac event in August of 2020.  I wonder every day if he loved me.  It tears me up inside because I absolutely adored and would have done anything for him.  My husband was 55 when he passed.  I too am hoping that this forum can help me because I have burned through 4 therapists since August of 2020 and I feel like I am no further ahead.  I feel lost.  I have questions that will never be answered because my husband is no longer alive.  I hope we can support each other here.  I question everything we had.
 

ThinktheChi, ellefemme,

Welcome.. so sorry for both your losses.    It seems to you both have a double wammy of grieving a loss and dealing with the hurt and betrayal.      I can only say my GX is still alive ...she living, breathing, and living with my kids part time but she is not the person I married.  Its like she is a walking ghost of who I knew..changed to forever hurt me.    I know its absolutely not the same thing but many of us have grieved the loss of the spouse we knew while at these same time coming to grips with their secret sexuality and affairs.

  First I would say despite their lie to us we loved fiercely and loyally and have nothing to be ashamed of. We can and should hold our heads high and not feel shame for how we loved.   
  It is a trauma you experience though and you should seek help (5th therapist?) to process the betrayal, hurt, grief, anger etc.   Do not go it alone.    Definitely start or respond to as many threads here as you want to help process some of the hurt and betrayal.    What I found helpful when I feel the sadness or trauma is to acknowledge it,  not beat myself up about it,  dwell some time on it , but then try to do something productive to get my mind off it.   Small steps each day.  

Prayers and thoughts of strength and fortitude