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December 8, 2021 5:51 pm  #1

A second marriage for both, he was the love of my life

I married my second husband in December of 2014.  We both had been married for over two decades to other people, and met at a restaurant when we were both divorced.  We were both in our early 50s at the time.
I could not believe this man.  The kindness he showed me was unbelievable.  We seemed to really connect.  We shared so many interests.  I loved him with my whole heart.
We bought property and started our life together.  In August of 2020 he called me and told me he was having a "stroke".  He described the symptoms and I thought it was a heart attack.  I could hear that he was in the car driving.  I told him to pull over and call 911.  He told me what parking lot he was in and I drove there from work.  I found him in the car clutching his chest, telling me he was in so much pain.  The ambulance was on its way and I gave him 2 low dose aspirin.  I looked down at his phone and asked him if the code to open it was XXXX.  I knew I would need to call his close friends if he went to hospital.  He looked up at me and said "I'm sorry".
I was so panicked that I didn't give it a second thought.
He had a cardiac event which was not a heart attack.  He had emergency surgery by a vascular surgeon that night at 12:30 a.m.  They told me if he lived through the surgery that he would likely be fine.  I prayed that night harder than I ever have before.  The hospital called me in the morning and told me he made it through surgery and was in ICU.  
Unfortunately he never regained consciousness and I removed life support 7 days later.  He had a watershed stroke, and he had no brain function.
His mother and sister flew out from a few provinces over.  I was absolutely devastated.  When I walked our dogs I sobbed so hard that I could barely breathe.  I didn't think I could go on without him.
I went back to our apartment and looked for comfort.  I found a box of old phones in our den.  I looked through old photos and texts.  That brought me a small glimpse of comfort.  Then I looked at his phone log.  I had zero reason to do this.  I don't even know why I did it.  I found a number with a name calling him every morning on his way to work, and every night on his way home.  Every work day.  2016 and 2017.  I called the number, it was disconnected.  I had his passwords to the email so I searched for the name I found in his phone.  He had been having an affair with a 30 year old girl from 2016 to 2018.  She had been pregnant.  She aborted the baby.  I was in shock.  
I lost the man I loved with my entire soul, and now this.  For the first 5 or so months after he died I obsessed about this.  I found nearly 300 screen shots he had kept of their conversations on BBM.  Photos of her at work.  Photos of her at home.  She was married.  I then found on the computer he used for our small business in our den, dozens of recordings of their conversations.  I felt like I was in the twilight zone.
3 months after that I finally met his ex-wife to whom he had been married for 26 years.  I wanted to ask her something because his daughter told me that one of the stories I repeated to her that he had told me was a lie.  It made no sense.  I found out that day that everything he had told me about himself was a lie.  Everything.  Work history, education history, everything.
Again.  In shock.  I didn't know this man at all.
Then in August of 2021 I found a business card for a therapist he had been seeing.  I knew he was in therapy, he told me he had PTSD.  This therapist specialized in "affairs and sex addiction".  I ended up calling him, making an appointment for myself.  I wanted him to release my husband's records.  He wouldn't, but he did agree to talk to me.
My husband was bisexual and had been having unprotected sex with both men and women his entire life outside of marriage.  I sat in silent disbelief.  I had an STD panel run when I found out about the girlfriend.  Thankfully, all negative.
I reached out to Public Health in our city.  I told the nurse to call this girl and tell her she needed to be tested, that my husband had been having unprotected sex with men for years.  I have no idea if they ever did this, but I felt I had done the best I could where she was concerned.
I am left 16 months after his death, having burned through 4 therapists, feeling still like I am in the twilight zone.  I did not know anything about this man.  
I would have given my life for him.  Everyone I talk to tells me the same thing "All he could talk about was You".  How ironic and sad.
I suspect he lived a very tortured and sad life.  He had a mask he felt he couldn't remove.  
I wonder every day why he got married a second time.  He could have lived a single life, had sex with whoever he chose, and no one would have batted an eyelash.  Instead, he met me, and dragged me down into this mess.
I don't know how I feel about him and that breaks my heart because I really did love that man.


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