I'm in a very similar situation to yours -- especially the growing old together part. I'm 67 and we've been together 30 years. I think often about the theory of great thinker Erik Erikson and his stage theory of psychosocial development. He says that, in the mid-60s, we can either contemplate our accomplishments and can develop integrity if we see ourselves as leading a successful life. On the other hand, individuals who reflect on their life and regret not achieving their goals will experience feelings of bitterness and despair. I often think the intense focus on sexuality is just a smokescreen, especially for older people for whom sex typically should be playing a smaller -- not bigger -- role in thier lives. 

Thank you, Lily. During our long marriages many of us overlooked/suppressed/denied our sexuality to adapt to our husband's lack of interest in us. I take umbrage at the idea that by the time I was out of his closet I was too old to reclaim that part of my life.

Touch and intimacy are important to me and I expect will continue to be, Aging does make it likely that I will be alone at the end but I hope the memories of loving and having been loved will sustain me and erase the painful memories of the coldness in my marriage.







 

bit of an update, probably going to re-engage with the solicitors with full divorce with stbx leaving the equity in our house until it is sold further down the line(or i can somehow buy her out)

better news on me front, i have now almost entirely detached myself from her comings and goings, ambivalence is probably the best way to describe it so now she says she is gong out and aslong as it doesn't affect my plans i just nod/ok etc, i did give her a friendly warning about affording stuff soon as once we are on separate bank accounts all her new spending will be coming out from her money and she needs to save up for moving /legal fees etc, i did point out that together as a financial team we are very strong and now thats ending she is going to have to tighten her belt, dont really care if she listened or not.

i met a lady last friday, she knows all about my situation and is ok with it, it was so nice we spent three hours in a bar talking about all sorts and plan to do it again but we both want a very slow burn to start with, i gave her a very open and frank account of where i was with full disclosure/honesty, she asked me if i thought i was ready and my honest answer was i wont know until i try, she was ok with that as well.
going back to my above post i dont want to feel like an unlovable hobgoblin and as long as i dont use another human being just for my own purposes then i dont think i am rushing into anything or "doing it too soon"

well its all under way now
went to see the solicitors and signed/paid for the divorce.

Cant say i imagined at the start of 2021 this would have been how its ending, certainly wasn't on my bucket list to get divorced and let my wife set fire to all our dreams and plans, but maybe they were never hers she just didn't have the bottle to say what she wanted.

So if it all works out as we have discussed i will get to keep my house for the time being and in that time try to work out a way of buying her out so i don't have to sell, at the moment i can only think of cashing in my pension.

coming out really is the gift that keeps on giving.

yes it's horrible isn't it.  more hugs coming your way.  Hope things work out well for you Jamie, very much you deserve it.