Jamie could you take on the mortgage and get her off the title and maybe take a bigger loan or give her a portion of your retirement fund to buy out her share in the current equity of the house? Then she can use that to sort out her own housing. The house value will likely significantly increase while you are paying it off so if her equity is a percentage rather than a cash figure she will do very well out of your hard work.

I was awarded 67% of house and chattels and 50% of combined superannuation. My gxh chose to take out a loan to buy me out of our house (we owned it) plus give me a cash amount in lieu of all chattels and cars which he kept.

Beware too - in Australia if either party begins earning significantly less than the other, the higher earner may likely be up for paying increased state mandated child support until the children are 18 if you are sharing custody. So you might find yourself paying more than you think that way also. Worth bearing in mind as there are a few years to go until your children are 18.

There's lots of ways to get more money from ex-spouses even in no-fault jurisdictions. You really need a good lawyer who specialises in family law matters to advise you and you would be wise to listen carefully to their advice. General practice solicitors do not always know all the tricks, of which there are many.  And she should have her own lawyer that she pays for out of her income that is about equal to yours; you probably should stop acting for her.

I found it much better to make a clean break and get my gxh out of my finances and my life as much as I could.

Last edited by Soaplife (December 1, 2021 7:35 pm)

Good for you. Divorce is almost always the answer

I'm in a very similar situation to yours -- especially the growing old together part. I'm 67 and we've been together 30 years. I think often about the theory of great thinker Erik Erikson and his stage theory of psychosocial development. He says that, in the mid-60s, we can either contemplate our accomplishments and can develop integrity if we see ourselves as leading a successful life. On the other hand, individuals who reflect on their life and regret not achieving their goals will experience feelings of bitterness and despair. I often think the intense focus on sexuality is just a smokescreen, especially for older people for whom sex typically should be playing a smaller -- not bigger -- role in thier lives. 

Thank you, Lily. During our long marriages many of us overlooked/suppressed/denied our sexuality to adapt to our husband's lack of interest in us. I take umbrage at the idea that by the time I was out of his closet I was too old to reclaim that part of my life.

Touch and intimacy are important to me and I expect will continue to be, Aging does make it likely that I will be alone at the end but I hope the memories of loving and having been loved will sustain me and erase the painful memories of the coldness in my marriage.







 

bit of an update, probably going to re-engage with the solicitors with full divorce with stbx leaving the equity in our house until it is sold further down the line(or i can somehow buy her out)

better news on me front, i have now almost entirely detached myself from her comings and goings, ambivalence is probably the best way to describe it so now she says she is gong out and aslong as it doesn't affect my plans i just nod/ok etc, i did give her a friendly warning about affording stuff soon as once we are on separate bank accounts all her new spending will be coming out from her money and she needs to save up for moving /legal fees etc, i did point out that together as a financial team we are very strong and now thats ending she is going to have to tighten her belt, dont really care if she listened or not.

i met a lady last friday, she knows all about my situation and is ok with it, it was so nice we spent three hours in a bar talking about all sorts and plan to do it again but we both want a very slow burn to start with, i gave her a very open and frank account of where i was with full disclosure/honesty, she asked me if i thought i was ready and my honest answer was i wont know until i try, she was ok with that as well.
going back to my above post i dont want to feel like an unlovable hobgoblin and as long as i dont use another human being just for my own purposes then i dont think i am rushing into anything or "doing it too soon"