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November 26, 2021 12:48 am  #1

He is bi and polyamorous

I just need to share with someone. My spouse told me that he was bi about 3 weeks ago and I am working through it. He just told me that he is also polyamorous. I am hurt and confused and need to know there is support out here. I want to find a therapist in Arizona but having trouble.

Thanks for reading


November 26, 2021 1:38 am  #2

Re: He is bi and polyamorous

Hi confused10,

Am so sorry you find yourself here. If you haven't already done so, please read the first post in this thread:

First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT


Here's a link on the Our Path website where you can reach out to the organization to get personal support. They can let you know which resources are available locally.


It is shocking to hear when a spouse wants to have other sexual partners. It is confusing to hear that a spouse who you thought was straight isn't. You don't have to agree to or participate in an open marriage. It is your right to refuse and your right to tell your spouse that if you want to continue a monogamous marriage.

I hope you find personal support. Please continue to post here as often as you wish.

Take care

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

November 26, 2021 8:52 am  #3

Re: He is bi and polyamorous

In my opinion, declaring he's poly suggests he wishes to open the marriage (his side at least) and seek male side-partners. He just hasn't stated that yet. You should speak with someone, even if it's your family doctor. These types of revelations can create stress that manifests itself in different ways, Blood pressure, lack of sleep, anxiety, etc. To tackle this you will need to be well. Focus on you, what you want, what you need, and so on.

Best wishes,

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

November 27, 2021 9:07 am  #4

Re: He is bi and polyamorous

I wish you the best of luck. I know how shocked I was when I found out. In my opinion, this man is gay. He can tolerate sex with a woman. Try and get away from him.


November 29, 2021 10:08 am  #5

Re: He is bi and polyamorous

"Poly" is not an orientation, and his use of that term is manipulative.  

It suggests that his desire to step out is a biological imperative.  He's just trying to have it both ways: marriage to you and a little side action.  What he's saying is that he doesn't want to lose you, he wants to keep you but cheat on you.


November 29, 2021 1:21 pm  #6

Re: He is bi and polyamorous

Confused10 wrote:

I just need to share with someone. My spouse told me that he was bi about 3 weeks ago and I am working through it. He just told me that he is also polyamorous. I am hurt and confused and need to know there is support out here....


There is support, especially here. His manipulation of you has started soft. He'll use it to encourage you to understand and agree that he needs this but only if you keep it between you and him. He may get angry and turn you away if you say no. If you love him it will be difficult to not want to please him and go along with it because you're afraid to lose him. 
You're entering the Mindfuck and it's going to take all your strength to decide who you are and what you want...and then to tell him that you don't want what he wants. 

Do you have children...do you have family/friends to support you through this?


Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (November 29, 2021 1:59 pm)

KIA KAHA                       

December 1, 2021 1:36 pm  #7

Re: He is bi and polyamorous

There's a lot to unpack with him telling you that he's "bi" and "polyamorous".  Let's assume that he's being truthful about both.

As a preliminary issue, this is information that he was obliged to share with you before you got married.  You went into the marriage thinking he was "straight" and "monogamous".  He knew those were your foundational assumptions.

So what does it mean?  It means he wants to go and get some quality time with men, and he is telling you that you need to be ok with that because he's "polyamorous".

He wants to cheat on you, and he's telling you that you need to be ok with that.  He's telling you that he's not straight, and you need to be ok with that.  Is this acceptable to you?


December 1, 2021 8:30 pm  #8

Re: He is bi and polyamorous

Hi Confused10, 

I’m sorry you’re in the position you’re in. Some bisexual people feel a desire to have same sex experiences when they first come out. They may feel they’ve been hiding for so long and now they’re no longer hiding (or maybe he only recently had the realization) and they might be trying to embrace their bisexuality and live “authentically.” Living authentically means different things to different people. Polyamory has nothing to do with bisexuality. Most bisexual people can be happy and fulfilled in a committed monogamous relationship. My guess is he is throwing polyamory around to see if you’ll cave and agree to him having sex with others outside your marriage. You don’t have to agree to any such thing. None of this can be rushed. Your husband has had a lifetime to figure himself out. You’ve have a few weeks. He needs to give you a lot of time to come to terms with the new normal and what all of this means for your marriage. 

I know this is rough. I went through something very similar two years ago and we’re doing great. We’re still married happily and monogamous. 

I’d be happy to chat with you or you can find the link to a subreddit I moderate in the MOMs section.  


Edited… polyamory is very complicated. Nothing to take lightly. Usually polygamous people start out together as polyamorous. It’s exceptionally difficult to go from monogamous to poly, and it sounds like your husband is trying for “poly under duress.” Not cool. Don’t back down if you’re not okay with changes. Honestly, if he’s talking polyamory I’d wager he may have a person in mind already. Again, I’m sorry for all you’re going through but support is available.

Last edited by TangledOil (December 1, 2021 9:41 pm)


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