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- jamieblunt
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Re: Probably sounds familiar
i am not excited by the thought of endless cohabitation with stbx (or rather no not so soon tbx) nnsstbx 
but maybe i need to focus on the children more as being away from here is very much for me.
The two paths open to me as far as i can see are;
cohabitation for the foreseeable future as we generally get on and it will allow us to save up
or
we sell our house and move into rented accommodation whilst the divorce goes through, this makes us more flexible for this shared ownership scheme but is more expensive in the short term and means two big upheavals in quite a short space of time ,also no guarantee that we get our desired houses and we end up renting for ages
- Soaplife
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Re: Probably sounds familiar
Jamie it really is a testing time, I feel for you. My own instinct was to get away as soon as possible and do the rental thing for a while. It might mean 2 moves in a relatively short time but you will be a lot less stressed and will be able to work on your 'new normal' if you have your own space away from her. You will find its worth the extra money to be away from her. I certainly did. I left and rented until property division was finalised (a couple of months) and a few months later bought a small house.
We have no-fault divorce after a standard 12 month separation. Through lawyers and with as little direct contact as possible, Me and my gxh sorted out the property division and custody in the first couple of months after separation. Yours sounds like a pretty straightforward 50-50 split.
Once I had the money from the settlement I bought a small house. So it was 2 moves in less than a year but soooo worth it to be away from the constant pain of daily contact with gxh.
Gxh was out of my face, I had time and space of my own, got my son into therapy at his request and started seeing a therapist myself and putting my life back together.
Our divorce was finalised after the standard 12 months separation but it was little more than an $850 rubber stamp. The property and custody settlement was long done and we were well into our separate lives.
I would always recommend distance and as little contact as possible as soon as possible. And ...you are not driving this, her life choices are. Don't let her tell you otherwise.
Good luck, it is a time of great suckitude but it will end.
Last edited by Soaplife (December 1, 2021 11:02 am)
- walkbymyself
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Re: Probably sounds familiar
No advice, Jamie, but I'm so sorry you're faced with such difficult choices.
In the earlier process of divorce, we'd more or less concluded the the house was too large a share of our marital assets for one of us to be able to afford alone -- we're both in our 60's -- and our original plan was to put it on the market and split the proceeds. After a few months, my husband came to me with the Sad Sausage story: he didn't feel he "had a lot going on for him" and it would mean a lot to him if we could find a way for him to keep the house. So in theory, I was willing to let him make whatever sacrifices it took to keep the house; I had no need for four bedrooms. I downsized to a more manageable one-bedroom apartment.
Of course, he and his lawyer later tried to use the expense of his house to argue that my support needed to be as low as possible! As if I'd forced this big expensive house on him or something.
In retrospect, it was always unrealistic for one of us to keep the house. So Jamie, remember the long game here.
- lily
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Re: Probably sounds familiar
Jamie, you're doing brilliant. It's painful and a bit overwhelming but it's so much better to know now where you stand with your mate. Time to regroup but not time to hit the delay button.
two things stick out for me in your post - you say you are getting on with your stbx and you talk about the organising of a house for her as if it is your responsibility.
I live in Australia, we have ticks here so that is what I think of - if you have a tick on you sometimes you can dislodge it without killing it and what does it do? well what any tick does - move along a bit and attach itself again.
there is no respite there is no easy landing there is no getting on with someone who not reciprocal. you can only deal with them from a safe distance. what you can do is make your own place. that is respite, that is a soft landing. and that is where you can meet someone new.
- jamieblunt
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Re: Probably sounds familiar
Thank you all, you are all going to raise your eyebrows and tutt but this is my latest hair brain scheme.
Bearing in mind the house we live in at the moment is my dream house and it ticks all the boxes i wanted, location, peace, good neighbours and lots of space for the children.
sbx has not agreed to this yet or even discussed it as she is out meeting a friend and i only came up with it today but we had a conversation yesterday when she found out i couldn't buy her out and she just wanted out even without her equity, there is no way i would let that happen as regardless of what she has done to me everything we have created together is 50/50. anyhow if she agrees.
I remove her from our joint mortgage and take it on myself (already checked i can do this)
I give her the deposit for her shared house and she takes out a mortgage for the rest
we legally agree when it comes time to sell the family home what her % will be (more than likely 50% up until she stopped paying the mortgage)
then i get to stay in my home until i want to downsize, she gets her own space and the children have room at both houses.
This wont be divorce but legal separation.
yes i know there are a ton of legal things to cover but i can set that all in motion if she agrees, this way i get very much what i wanted out of a divorce but it also caters better for the childrens stability, i have six years until they are both adults and at that point i can sell up and retire into a park home mortgage free and stbx would still have a house big enough for them, (if i wanted to to that)
and yes it does leave her hooks into me as much as i am living in her equity but unless she changes her character 100% she isnt going to leverage this against me, and the worse that happens is that i have to sell the house and the children would have to move in with her full time so it would defeat the purpose of her moving out to live the life she wants to. She also would know that our son really is not very happy with her in a big way and if she forced him out of his bedroom it would be the end of them.
Last edited by jamieblunt (December 1, 2021 1:46 pm)
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Probably sounds familiar
not tut tutting - there's a lot to like in the plan. I had a similar plan going with my ex at one point but I was relieved when his brother stepped in and lent him the money against the value of the house.
please don't fall about being fair to her. If she is talking about walking away from equity in the house she is hiding something else, imo.
- Soaplife
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Re: Probably sounds familiar
Jamie could you take on the mortgage and get her off the title and maybe take a bigger loan or give her a portion of your retirement fund to buy out her share in the current equity of the house? Then she can use that to sort out her own housing. The house value will likely significantly increase while you are paying it off so if her equity is a percentage rather than a cash figure she will do very well out of your hard work.
I was awarded 67% of house and chattels and 50% of combined superannuation. My gxh chose to take out a loan to buy me out of our house (we owned it) plus give me a cash amount in lieu of all chattels and cars which he kept.
Beware too - in Australia if either party begins earning significantly less than the other, the higher earner may likely be up for paying increased state mandated child support until the children are 18 if you are sharing custody. So you might find yourself paying more than you think that way also. Worth bearing in mind as there are a few years to go until your children are 18.
There's lots of ways to get more money from ex-spouses even in no-fault jurisdictions. You really need a good lawyer who specialises in family law matters to advise you and you would be wise to listen carefully to their advice. General practice solicitors do not always know all the tricks, of which there are many. And she should have her own lawyer that she pays for out of her income that is about equal to yours; you probably should stop acting for her.
I found it much better to make a clean break and get my gxh out of my finances and my life as much as I could.
Last edited by Soaplife (December 1, 2021 7:35 pm)
- jamieblunt
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Re: Probably sounds familiar
Buying her out was my first plan but that is not possible now, i don't have the salary to be able to do it myself,
This way i get to keep the house on my terms until i want to downsize and once the children are of adult age (six years) they get to stay in the family home.
stbx moving out will be paying more than me for rent/mortgage so the childcare portion of which i think i will be doing more of is a little bit up in the air.
The legal executive i am dealing with is head of family law at her firm so i don't have any worries on that front.
We will be splitting bank accounts in January with her paying into my account for family stuff/mortgage etc, i dont want to be paying for all the vanity items she is currently paying for that have manifested since this all started and they are not cheap.
Last edited by jamieblunt (December 2, 2021 2:11 am)
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Thread Starter- Gloria
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Re: Probably sounds familiar
Good for you. Divorce is almost always the answer