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November 21, 2021 4:23 am  #1


My husband turned my life upside down

I think I need to share my story. Maybe it will bring some relief, maybe not, I don't know.
Several months ago, my husband told me he was bisexual. He said it did not change anything between us and he expected me to encourage and support him. But I was extremely hurt and couldn't do it. In fact, many things DID change. Suddenly he was completely absorbed by LGBT communities, both online and in real life and started to support them almost fanatically. He remained faithful to me but I knew that I no longer could fulfill all of his needs and desires. And it was very painful to me when he tried to have a conversation with me about "which boys were cute" and expected it to be a "bonding experience" in our relationship.
I never signed up for any of that.
Just when I was starting to accept some of it, he told me he might be nonbinary.
My depression returned much stronger but it lasted only several days. I could understand him "looking for himself" and support him in that.
When I was starting to feel a bit better, he told me he was trans woman.
Then my world blew up completely.
I thought I knew how to choose a husband wisely and carefully. I wasn't blinded by money or sex, I chose a gentle, understanding soulmate.
But what a fail, I couldn't even tell the right gender. I feel like an idiot.

There are still some good things in this relationship and I don't want to leave. My husband also wants to stay. But it is very painful everytime he mentions some trans stuff (like having long hair, choosing a new name, clothing etc). Those things make me seriously sick. If he makes some kind of female caricature of himself, I don't think I can take it much longer. I'm attracted to men and nothing else.
If I decide to leave, I will probably remain alone. I'm almost 40 and extremely shy and besides, I won't probably believe anyone anymore after all this.
I just don't believe there is any good future for me.
Sorry to be so negative. I needed to let these feelings out somehow. 

 

November 21, 2021 9:06 am  #2


Re: My husband turned my life upside down

That is why we are here. Post as much as you want.

 

November 21, 2021 11:01 am  #3


Re: My husband turned my life upside down

Hi Marianne, sometimes the act of writing really does help. What you are dealing with is a major realignment of what you thought was real. None of us are idiots. These are answers to questions we never thought we should have needed to ask. One of our members (OutOfHisCloset) has posted a lot of links on this topic. You might want to search her posts and look up some of these links.

It sounds to me that, if there's to be any chance to save this relationship, you need this to slow down. How likely is your spouse to agree on removing his foot from the accelerator? For how long? Are your priorities aligned?

Be well.
 


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

November 21, 2021 12:36 pm  #4


Re: My husband turned my life upside down

Daryl, thank you for the recommendation. I searched and downloaded some of the papers that OutOfHisCloset linked. I'm also reading some books recommended on OurPath website. There is a lot to learn.
You are right that we need to slow down. My husband actually tries to make things easier for me but sometimes... stuff just happens. I don't think he can control it. We both have some old trauma and issues that make things more difficult for us now.
We agreed that each of us will go to therapy and try to solve the problems. My therapist taught me some distancing and relaxing techniques that help me a lot. I don't want to make any serious decisions before I calm down a bit. My husband does not want to make decisions before he finds out who he really is. So this is how we aligned our priorities: we need to heal and grow first. Then we decide.

     Thread Starter
 

November 21, 2021 12:47 pm  #5


Re: My husband turned my life upside down

Marianne wrote:

......I just don't believe there is any good future for me.
Sorry to be so negative. I needed to let these feelings out somehow. 

 

Welcome to our Forum Marianne Best place to let it out is here! where people truly understand what you're feeling. You're walking through a mighty storm at the moment, with all kinds of debri and weather being thrown at you and feeling battered and wary. But I can tell you have strength because you know who you are whereas your husband keeps changing his mind/can't decide.
Staying with the men and women who turn our lives upside down is often a financial choice. I am doing that myself, but am along the path a bit having had counseling, confided in family, and researched options (an on-going process) for being/living alone which I don't want to do but realise I should be prepared for it

Do you have family, friends you can talk to?

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

November 21, 2021 1:42 pm  #6


Re: My husband turned my life upside down

It's me, Out of His Closet, the person being referred to.

Marianne,
   What you are describing is very familiar to me, as I experienced exactly this same thing at the beginning after my ex's announcement he had decided he was trans   The ongoing redefinition of "who he really is," the expectation that you will support him and remain with him, his absorption in the LGBTQ+ community, especially online, his tone deaf parading in front of you his opinions of "cute" men (in my case it was women colleagues...more about this, below), and the lack of understanding of your position and feelings when he does so, e.g. expecting this to be a "bonding experience."  In short, the self-absorption, self-centeredness, entitlement, and lack of empathy.

  The hard truth is that you are on a collision course with your husband.  He has made it very clear that he wants to be a woman; he is already looking forward to and imagining the person he wants to become--growing out his hair, choosing a new name, purchasing feminine clothing--while your reactions are to feel hurt, to feel pain, to be depressed, to respond with a physical reaction (you feel "seriously sick" and are intellectually skeptical of a "female caricature").  

  It is important for you to honor your physical, visceral reaction and intellectual response, and not to consider them things to "get over" or suppress.
 
   It is also important that you honor your own heterosexuality; you are attracted to men, and you were attracted to your husband not despite his maleness but because of it--his maleness is part and parcel of what you love about him.  His desire to be female, and his adoption of femininity, along with his belief you need to support him, is going to be enormous pressure on you to change your idea of yourself, your idea of your sexuality, etc etc. 

  And, now I'm going to address what I said I would address below:  men who wish to become women have very complicated and individual changes in whom they are attracted to, and why.  Some men, usually those who have been effeminate since childhood, transition and seek out men.  But most men, especially of the age yours is (and mine), are in fact heterosexual, and remain attracted to women.  If this is the case with your husband, he will redefine your relationship as a lesbian one, and your sex life will reflect that.  Last, some men who wish to become women remain attracted to women, but seek out men because when they can attract a man they find that to be the ultimate validation that they "are" women.  That your husband began with an announcement that he is bisexual should put you on high alert for this.  

  It's of paramount importance that your therapist does not see her or his job as persuading you to "accommodate yourself" to your husband's changes, but to help you sort out your feelings, and support you in those feelings.  At the first whiff that your therapist is invalidating your feelings or guiding you to accept what your own body is rebelling from, stop therapy and look for another therapist. 

  I'm so sorry you're in the middle of this.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 21, 2021 1:43 pm)

 

November 21, 2021 7:21 pm  #7


Re: My husband turned my life upside down

Marianne wrote:

If I decide to leave, I will probably remain alone. I'm almost 40 and extremely shy and besides, I won't probably believe anyone anymore after all this.
I just don't believe there is any good future for me.
Sorry to be so negative. I needed to let these feelings out somehow. 

As you work through TTT/TGT, you will see the truth that you can meet heterosexual men who would adore you and your introverted personality.  You will see that you deserve a great future and have the motivation and ability to carve it out - whether you choose to date or not.

If you stay with your husband out of fear rather than desire, you will be lonely.  The loneliest part of my life was when I was married to my late GIDXH. 

Keep venting away. It's helped with my grief.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

November 22, 2021 11:42 am  #8


Re: My husband turned my life upside down

Marianne, I'm so sorry you find yourself here ... but welcome.  

I want to echo what MUM017 says above: keeping a secret this devastating is deeply isolating.  Isolation breeds loneliness, but also depression, feelings of worthlessness, feelings of helplessness.  

When I first came here, people suggested divorce to me, and I totally shut down.  I did come around to understand the marriage was already over -- divorce was just what made it official.  What you need right now is a little breathing room, and time to absorb what's been dropped on you.  Your husband had plenty of time to rehearse and prepare himself, emotionally -- I think it's fair of you to point that out to him: you need a lot more time to adjust to this new reality and you need to decide whether this is a marriage you're prepared to re-commit to.

 

November 22, 2021 11:56 am  #9


Re: My husband turned my life upside down

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Do you have family, friends you can talk to?
 

Hi Elle, thank you for your kind words. I have family but I don't feel prepared to share it with them yet. I will do it when I have a clearer idea where I'm heading.
Staying (at least for now) is not a financial choice for me. I have a good job. Finding a new place for living would be challenging but I think I could do it on my own. I just don't want to make rash decisions. I don't expect anything good to happen, I just need some time to decide.

     Thread Starter
 

November 22, 2021 12:25 pm  #10


Re: My husband turned my life upside down

Hi OutofHisCloset. Thank you for your deep insight and I agree with everything you say. This forum helped me understand the validity and importance of my own feelings and I plan to honor them. My therapist also seems to be good in this, never pushing me to anything.
Maybe just one more detail that I didn't explain properly. My husband expected me to accept his bisexuality but he always understood that being trans is a deal-breaker. He expected me to throw him out after his announcement and was willing to face the consequences. He is as desperate about this situation as myself. We understand we're on a collision course and that we may need to separate if it becomes unbearable. But I need to know whom he becomes before I make that decision.

     Thread Starter
 

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